I Broke My Leg! I Couldn't Stop Abusing Myself!
I've been running, Or I had been running nonstop for over a month.
8 miles in one day... 11 miles... 12 miles in one day.
I ran until my bones in my leg hurt. Then I'd go for another run. The piled up shit I had to put up with this year. Was starting to take its toll.
I started realizing I needed to take drastic action to help ease my mind. Because I couldn't continue this behavior.
For those of you who don't know, I don't run for the physical benefits. For me, It's a form of meditation.
I stopped eating
I swear I had an eating disorder for a bit. I couldn't bring myself to eat. Some days I wouldn't eat at all. But I'd still insist on running all night long.
Other days, I'd pick at my food a little bit. Even getting a frozen pizza, Only to pick the toppings off to throw the rest in the garbage.
I'd even order my favorite foods, and I still had no desire or appetite to eat.
It's weird Because I didn't even feel that sad on a day to day basis. But the way my brain was going, I knew something was up.
I had no motivation to do anything. I would spend half the day in bed.
My dreams would tease me, The characters in my dreams Would tell me that I could have everything I've ever wanted, And spend forever playing in the ocean. If I just, Killed myself in real life.
Yeah, I pretty much went insane for a little while.
But who could blame me? This year fucked with every belief I've had. I came into 2017 with a couple of people that I thought would be around "forever." Lauralemons Being one of them. And all the sudden I'm ending 2017, and not a single person is here. It's life, It happens. I get it. But sometimes it can be hard to cope.
Went Running Again
Only to realize the reality of the situation...
I'm not invincible.
The lack of nutrition and beating those legs all over the concrete for hours each day, Impulsively and carelessly. Finally did its full damage.
Unbearable pain in my left leg, Focused on one area.
A Fractured bone.
Now I can't run at all. And I'm left limping.
I Had To Have A Serious Talk With Myself
Sometimes we lose our minds, And at the end of the day, It's up to us to rescue ourselves.
I sat down and had to ask myself,
What can I do right now to make myself happy again? To go back to the old Kaylin that has left...
Obviously, a lot of crazy things jumped into mind, That just isn't possible right now.
But then I realized I needed that stability.
So I decided to go back to my old part-time job.
I was so determined to leave a year and a half ago.
And I do not plan to make it a career.
I didn't expect to get the job again... But I got it.
I get to load boxes.
Mind you; I said "get to" not "have to."
Now my brain is finally at ease.
Something about just loading your heart out for hours... just letting your mind wander, Listening to music. Is just so peaceful.
I'm finally eating normally,
I'm taking care of myself.
I'm building muscle.
And I'm trying to get my messed up leg healed...
Don't Let Yourself Get Lost
I feel lucky that I only damaged my leg after all this.
But even that could have been avoided.
It's okay to struggle; It's okay to be weak. Just don't let it destroy you. Constantly be aware of your mindset and your decisions you are making. Don't be afraid to make massive adjustments if necessary. Even if its something that seems a little humiliating.
Don't give a shit about what others think.
Sometimes you know better than anyone else, What Is right for you. So do it!
Happy Freaking Monday!
We should chat. I still struggle GREATLY with Lauras death. What you were describing as not really feeling sad but just feeling basically nothing & the not eating thing, that's depression, I am sure you know that. I love running been at it more than half my life. I have had stress fractures before once when I first started running and was over doing it. Did you get it xrayed? I'm sorry you have to deal with it, no fun. Hit me up on Facebook or discord DM if you want to chat. Laura is on my mind every day. She made a much larger impact on the art community and otherwise than she'd ever know. I still expect to be getting fb messages or whatever from her.
BIG {{HUGS}} to you ♡♡
We can talk anytime <3 Thank you!
The funny thing Is I didn't quite understand it was possibly depression. I think it's the first time I've experienced it for myself.
I haven't had it xrayed yet. I'm still looking into the whole insurance situation first.
I'm glad she impacted you as much as she did me! It makes me sick to think she's just gone. I hope we can both feel better about it overall.
I'm glad I could help you see that regarding your depression. Just take good care of yourself. I still need to get your coloring books. Laura talked about you allot. I think you were a positive person to have in her life!!
Anyway, Sounds like you are doing just the right thing for yourself though. You have realised the problem and ways to fix it. You are not embracing a victim mentality by "having to work." I like that mindset. Inspiring.
I am a physical therapist assistant. There is a nearly sure fire way to "test" if you've got an actual stress fracture on your hands. I am assuming it is pain in either your foot (metatarsals) or shin area? Those are the most common. You may have the pain higher up in your femur but that is less likely.
Do the single leg hop test. That is hop on the side (left or right) that it hurts on. So if it's you right and you hop on one foot (right foot) under normal healthy circumstances there is NO pain. If you've got a stress fracture, you will get pinpoint intense or sharp pain when you hop on one foot.
You will then need to rest it from intense weight bearing activities like extensive walking, any hiking or running. You can do low to non weight bearing stuff in the meantime like BIKE or swim. On terms of caloric burn you can expect 3 miles on the bike at a moderate intensity would equal 1 mile of running.
I had to learn The hard way about that. I started running for my mental health. When i could not run, i had to find a way to get those endorphins out other ways.
Some people like to ice with peas or a flexible ice pack 15 min, 3x/ day. I think it would help You.
Stress fractures can take upwards of 6-8 weeks to heal, longer if you aren't supplementing with calcium & vitamin D.
Meantime, i wouldn't fret too much about an xray, stress fractures can take up to 3 weeks to show up on an xray.
I've really blabbered here but you brought up three really relevant things to me - Laura being great & highly missed, running, my physical therapy brain, and depression which i deal with.
Take care & talk soon ♡♡
Laura did? awww! I had no idea hehe.
Thank you so much for this! I did the hop test and found the sharp pain :/
I'm glad that I can at least bike or swim! I haven't exercised at all besides my job, And that has been really hard on me!
Aww You run too? I do the same! It makes such a big difference!
Yikes thats a long time for it to heal. But I'll do my best to keep up on vitamins.
Thank you so much for this help! I had no idea what to do and I've been worried.
I hope you are able to keep running! And working on your depression :( She will! I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. But I still want her here! Let me know if I can help or anything! :)
Take care!
Aw, I'm sorry to hear you had a positive "hop test".... but at least you now have some indication. I have been running for 15 years now and barring an act of God I will not stop. But I've had My share of the injuries so I feel you!!
My job is very physically demanding too sometimes it is hard to find the energy to run.
Well, best wishes to you on a speedy recovery & good health here on forward! =)
All the negative thoughts, the things you feel you HAVE to fix right away which has led to this happening..
It's not true, you're both amazing and beautiful inside and out. You are such a hard working, determined and strong-willed girl, and if you focus on making yourself happy with what you have going on for you and personal growth without expecting you HAVE to do this and that, or this and that is not acceptable as an image etc, you will be okay.
:) :) :)
Awww you are soooo sweet :) hehe
I think I get what you are saying. I'm being too impatient perhaps?
This is correct. You're trying to make too much happen so soon, which is doing more harm than good in some aspects. But consider this as a learning experience, you over-worked yourself with a lack of eating and you got injured as a result. I usually take it as a sign to re-evaluate and keep working on what will be positive and helpful, while remembering things can take time, but you get there eventually and when you need to.
Hehe :)
Always sweet and caring to good friends. :)
As long as you’re not lactose intolerant, I’d be loading up on cheese, milk, and yogurt if I was you. Calcium all the way.
Glad you’re feeling better!
Good idea !I'll have to do that hehe. Hopefully it will help things heal quicker
One more thing: Drink less pop! Less alcohol!
Those are murder on your bones!
I take calcium tablets and vitamin d. Have to work on the less pop and alcohol part, though! 😂🤣😂🤣
Cerebrate what victories you have. Live for today. Listen to your inner self. Do what is right for you, not what others may think is right for you. Thank you for being so honest about what is happening. Many people would cover it up. Which is not the best thing to do.
I don't often comment on your posts @kaylinart although I read them often. I'm glad you wrote your feelings out and that you are trying to help yourself. It makes sense seeing as this has been a tough couple of months for you.
Hope your leg heals quickly.
There is a lot of wisdom in that statement.
All the best.
Beautiful share and self-realization, Kaylin... and glad you understood where to stop, even if it was your leg that ultimately stopped you.
Sometimes I think we tell ourselves stories of the "why" we're doing things... and they are often lies. I used to run a lot, too... and ended up not with a stress fracture, but with bad knees. I called my running "relaxation" and "de-stressing" but at a deeper level I was running away from myself; from a life that was causing me to NEED to run "to de-stress" in the first place.
This has been a difficult year for many... a lot of loss. A lot of changes... and not voluntary, most of the time.
Hang in there! This too... shall pass.
What a great, honest, transparent, beautiful post. So glad I'm following you! Thank you for this. Heal soon @kaylinart!
Thank you hehe
I have been through many things in my life. I know what it is like to just not care. Been there done that. I am grateful for you@kaylinart because sometimes I need to be reminded of when we are not taking care of our basic needs. Enough of me droning on now, take care of that leg and put a SMILE on your face young Lady !
Did you see a doctor about the leg? Sounds like a stress fracture.
Not yet, I'm still trying to figure out the whole insurance situation. I was locked out of my account for a few days. I think you might be right. I did some research and it sounding more and more like one.
It could be tendonitis, but just in case it isn't, don't run. If it hurts to walk or hurts after a day of walking such as at work, try and figure out a way to get to the Dr. I've had two in my life, the most severe one my leg would hurt just laying in bed after walking all day. That's when the dr told me to stay on crutches as it wouldn't heal if I put any weight on it. Hopefully you'll figure out the insurance thing soon.
Such an honest post. You know yourself better than anyone else. Good to see that you are enjoying being YOU! So sorry about your leg but It will heal faster now that you have found that which is making you happy! All the best going forward.