Dark Turn of Events - Please Help me find the Light

(Sunrise pic I took a few days ago)

I had a dream last night that I was standing outside one evening with friends, looking up at the dark yet starry sky. Suddenly the horizon burst to life with a rainbow of lights. In the midst of this illumination - tiny white orbs fell down all around us, and then seemed to come to life like a swarm of fireflies at the lake on a warm summer's eve. When one of these orbs flew near to me, I crushed it by clapping my hands together as if I were fighting a thirsty mosquito (which is incredibly out of character for me, I don't usually hurt living things) and immediately knew that I had made a terrible mistake. A sense of dread overwhelmed me, and in that moment I awoke wide-eyed and terrified.

This may all sound like the random firings of neurons in my mind as I rested - however I've been keenly aware of my dream cycles going back my entire life. I vividly remember teaching myself to lucid dream in 1st grade, before I even knew what lucid dreaming was. I also clearly remember the first time I had a deja-vu moment, which occurred in 5th grade while walking back to my desk from the front of the class. I paused midstride, looked at the blue pen sitting on a desk to my right about halfway down the aisle, and realized I had seen that exact image in my dream the night before. I've always felt like dreamstates are a means for the mind to either 'connect' or 'become aware' of ulterior realms of consciousness that we usually ignore, and these foggy states have always held meaning for me once I've returned to the waking world. And knowing that fact about how my mind works- I'm fairly concerned this morning when I think about last night's messages received.

Its not something I spread around on Steemit, nor have I really talked in much detail about the situation as a co-host of the weekly Steemit Talk Podcast. (I'm honestly a fairly private person) That said - I'm currently in a situation that feels like its a timebomb ticking - and I'm not certain I know which wire to cut to cease the destruction before it explodes.

In early 2014 I began working for a company that was in desperate need of help. After my first year of service I was promoted to management - which basically meant I handled most all the day to day in that office since the owner is completely disengaged and spends most of the year on vacation. I did what I usually do with most positions I've held - which is to assume all the responsibilities thrown my direction and basically created a scenario where I was doing at least 3 people's jobs myself. In early 2016 I hired someone at 35 hours a week to just take over payroll, and that hire shows that just that one task is a full time position, which is only one of about 5000 tasks I had been managing alone.

The owner of the company made it very clear that she wanted to sell the business (which she never wanted to operate as it was given to her in a divorce) and was basically looking for anyway out. That option came in September of this year when she decided to hire someone who was a sales agent at another local company. She hired him as GM (placing him over me in the hierarchy) and basically informed me to train him as if he was going to buy buying the business someday. Part of me felt 'cut out of the loop' in that this new person knew nothing about our business that I had been managing the past 2+ years, however I did try & put myself in the owner's shoes and realized that I had no interest in buying the company (as if I could afford it) so I tried to rationalize this decision as what was best for the owner, so I went along with it.

WIthin the first few weeks training the new GM - I realized immediately that he's an Alpha Male, super dominant personality type - which mixes with my team oriented, passive and friendly personality type like oil & water. We butted heads a few times, but the biggest hiccup came the day he asked me to join him outside to 'talk about something' then proceeded to scream at me so loud that the staff inside the brick building heard him. He was waiving his finger in my face and very much within my personal space as he was yelling - so badly that my mind went into 'defense mode' and I was visualizing what my counter was going to be if he actually physically assaulted me - which I honestly thought could happen in that moment. What was the cause of his threatening & blinding rage you ask? He was upset when he informed me I had to drive what would have been an 88 mile errand for the office in my personal vehicle, and I said "no" since the company never reimburses mileage or travel costs. That sent him over the edge as his alpha male brain apparently cannot handle anyone telling him 'no' - despite the fact I was hired to work in an office (not run errands in my personal vehicle) and its illegal for them not to reimburse me. He shortly thereafter wrote me up for "Insubordination", the first time I've ever been written up for anything my professional career.

Fast forward to the last week of November. I had kinda come to the realization that I had invested a ton of myself into that company, watching it grow over the years I had been there. I had formed close relationships with a few of the staff members there, as well as I was somewhat known as the 'face' of the company to most of the clientele. I decided that I wasn't going to let this guy run me off, so I became this subservient employee who pretty much answered any question with "Yes Sir" without retort. In my mind I thought that I would use my upcoming vacation time to take a week off, and find other employment once the holidays had passed. Much to the new GM's liking, my shift in attitude had been noticed and on Tuesday of that week the GM took me out to lunch where he praised me up down & sideways as being an asset to the company. We talked logistics about future plans moving forward, as well as training sessions I would need to complete in January. The meeting left me somewhat motivated moving forward, and for a fleeting moment I had the thought "This guy's not so bad, we can make this work". Sadly, I was very wrong.

Two days later, Thursday December 1st, was an unusually busy day. I ran in circles managing appointments and 5000 other daily tasks I was responsible for, and rolled into the late afternoon somehow still smiling. I had noticed the owner & GM had been in meetings most of the day, and I didn't think much of it, as it was fairly usual for them to hide when the office got busy. At 4pm the GM's door opened, and he said he wanted to have a talk. I sat down in his office and he stated that everything had been going great, however he was letting me go today. I asked 'why' and he responded "I feel like we're having to fit this job around you." I said "Ok, that doesn't make any sense to me since I've been doing the job for almost 3 years successfully, can you please give me an example of what you're talking about?" He responded "No, I can't - however I want you to know that I've prayed about it, the owner has prayed about it, and this is what's best for the company."

In that moment I became very upset, however wearing my best poker face, I didn't show it. I'm not a religious minded person, and he had just informed me that he was firing me for what mostly amounts to him hearing voices in his head via prayer. Somehow I held my tongue. He then slid a piece of paper across the table saying "sign this". I looked down and within attempting to read the first few words, my eyes started to go blurry as my adrenaline had dumped. I slid the page back across the desk and said "I'm sorry, I can't sign this." He shot forward in his chair aggressively, raising his voice to a yell, and repeated back at me forcefully "What you mean you're not going to sign it?" Realizing that the situation would only escalate based on this guy's inability to accept the word "No", I decided to get the fuck out of there. I said "I'm not going to make a scene, I'm leaving my key & my credit card, but if you've just terminated me then there is nothing left to say or sign, I'm leaving." I got up & went to my desk to collect my personal items. In that moment an Agent entered the room not knowing what was going on. She saw me removing pictures, asked what was going on, and I informed her I had just been terminated. She burst into tears, knowing that I was being screwed over after everything I had done for the company the past several years. I collected my things, walked right past the GM pausing to shake his hand and wish him luck. I felt like me being the bigger person and remaining professional was the right course of action - despite my wanting to scream.

So I'm sitting here now 13 days later. It took me a few days to digest what had happened. It hit me like a severe breakup, and there were some dark days as my mind learned to accept the change. I hit the job hunting pretty hard that following week - and as of today have applied at probably 50-75 different places in that time. I've also filed for unemployment - which I know the company will try to fight using the write up in October for "insubordination" as their reasoning for letting me go. In the state I live in - you are subject to unemployment benefits under certain circumstances - its not automatically granted. I filed on December 5th, and it will take at least 18-25 days (not including any days missed because of Christmas) for a determination to be made. I whole heartedly expect the company to fight it - hence my voracious job hunting games since then. However, I've only received one callback from those efforts, which stated that they'll let me know when they're interviewing. No dice.

When the company decides to fight my unemployment filing - I have the option to appeal which will bring the case before a judge. At that time I plan on burying the company by bringing to light all the illegal activities I witnessed when employed there ranging from cheating on certification tests to straight up forging insurance applications. There was also the time I instructed the owner I was not signing up for healthcare through the government run exchange (as is my right) based on the fact that I know that website is not secure and I don't want my personal data listed there. The owner then decided to take my name/bday/ssn and create an account herself for me - listing all the details online that I had told her earlier that day I didn't want them to have. I listed those examples on my unemployment claim as to what the working environment was, knowing that when the company receives the Unemployment request from the state, they'll see exactly what information I'm holding & willing to bring before a judge should they try to screw me over again.

I'm 37 years old, have never claimed unemployment benefits before, never been written up at a job before, never been fired before. This experience has left me feeling like I got dropped on my ass after saving that ship from sinking the past 3 years. Its a bitter pill to swallow.

But my stress seems to be growing everyday, as my bank account is dwindling quickly and though my bills are paid through December, January is fast approaching and if my unemployment claim is denied or I cannot find work in the next few weeks - I'll be homeless come January. This terrifies me, as it feels like the walls are closing in tighter & tighter everyday. I'm a single man and though I do have a loving family, nobody is in a position to help me - even if I had the humility to ask for it.

And now we've come full circle to my dream last night. Standing outside with friends under the stars in that dream marks the most relaxing moment I've experienced in the past 2 weeks. Seeing the sky light on fire is most likely an example of the sudden & somewhat vicious change that has taken place in my life, and I'm scared to death that my crushing the white orb is a representation that things are about to get very shitty for me. This may sound like a pessimistic view to some people - but I've always been keenly aware of what the meaning is in my dreams - and I'm taking that crushed orb to be a sign that I've made a mistake and now the darkness is setting in.

I don't really even know why I'm sharing all this with you fine folks. Perhaps blogging all this out is a therapeutic means of getting it off my chest? Perhaps in the method of Sigilism - manifesting these thoughts into a physical reality will provide the 'shift' I'm needing that pushes me in the right direction, whatever that step may be? I don't know. Maybe its a little of both.

All I know right now is that this is the absolute worse month to be searching for work, and I'm praying to the gods that either my phone rings with an applicable job offer, or I see a deposit in my bank account from the Unemployment office in the next few weeks. If not, I honestly do not know what will happen come January 1st 2017, when I cannot afford to pay my rent.

If you go back and read my introduction post - I talk briefly about always having crazy shit happen to me my entire life, and how important it is to eat that negativity for breakfast and move on as a stronger person. This situation is a great example of someone needing to take their own advice, and stay positive. I do believe that whatever is meant to happen, will happen. That said - I'm not sure what other lessons life wants for me to pull out of this situation, and the stress & struggle has now worked its way into my dreams - which was one of the last few refuges I had to escape.

If there is a point to this ramble - I suppose its to serve as a reminder to anyone reading this that Life can pull the rug out from under you at any moment. Be thankful for what you have, count your blessings, and never forget that it could always be worse. That's about as positive of a spin as I can muster this morning.

Sorry for the rant - thanks for listening.