Each year thousands of women become victims of domestic violence in America. Jealous spouses, potential lovers, and bitter ex-boyfriends commit a litany of offensives against a vulnerable population. There has been a surge in attacks towards women in my city since I was a kid that has shocked my community. People trying to escape poverty from other countries have altered the social fabric of a once peaceful little town.

Something similar occurred when I spoke to people during my recent visits to the UK and Germany. Quiet villages have been turned upside-down by people from other countries with a very different cultural outlook on women. Growing up in a family of strong women, I never saw any of my relatives treat them as possessions. But as time passed and new people arrived, that began to change.

Change, but not the good kind...

Our town has been nicknamed "The armpit of Pennsylvania." At first, we were excited to see new people moving here, but puzzled as well. We began to wonder how anybody found us on a map, or why. Are you sure you want to move HERE? became the common refrain as the youth were all trying to get out. It seems we have among the lowest real estate prices in the country, which is attracting people from developing nations. The pipeline seems to be from outside the US, to large cities on the east coast. Then sensing the high cost of living, begins a migration to much smaller town’s further inland. This is where I had my first instance of a man treating a female as his own personal property.

I had a friend nicknamed "Rock" from another country. One day I happened to pass him and his wife by chance on the sidewalk. As I was greeting them, I noticed his hand was gripping the back of her neck. Curious, I asked him why he was doing that. He said That's my wife, that's my property. My arm is the chain, my hand is the collar. I kid you not, he actually said it. I'm like:

You're joking right?
No, that's the way men are in my country...
I asked his wife you’re ok with being someone’s property?
He's the Man was her tepid response...

So, I sat down with him one last time to be sure he wasn't kidding. Once it was confirmed he was serious, I ended our friendship. Saying that may have been the way you were raised back home, but you've been in America for years now, and I want nothing to do with anyone thinking like that. I never spoke to him again and he was jailed the following year for a violent attack on his wife.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

At a work site, we were discussing a string of rapes in the area. A co-worker from the same country as "Rock" from above, announced the following. "If I thought my girlfriend had been raped, I'd kill her, my kids and then myself." We all gasped. He felt comfortable enough to say this in a crowd of Americans without a care in the world. The supervisor came over to see if he was serious and he repeated the statement again. Fearing for the safety of the children we heard the next day that the authorities had gotten involved. This man had told me that he'd been driven to the US by extreme poverty. He said he'd even eaten cats and dogs in his home country and had committed a string of stabbings for money in order to survive. Last we heard he had been sent back to his home to face justice.

When I was a kid, my city had a German/Polish majority with a smaller Irish and African American population. There were many empty rowhomes and shuttered businesses. Property prices were low as most young people wanted to get out. So the youth would move out leaving their parents behind. Our town and many others in eastern Pennsylvania were hit with a deluge of people from outside America. They introduced a rich history, wonderful food and much-needed diversity, but they also brought a culture of violence against women along with them as well.

The stages of abuse

Abuse happens in stages. The relationship began with the courtship period with the male feigning tenderness and undying love. Once she falls for it and agrees to his advances things change. It's almost as if a switch has been flipped and now comes the controlling stage. He questions what took her so long at the store:

What took you so long? It doesn't take an hour to go get Pampers.
There was a long line at the store.
It doesn't take that long to go shopping. I better not find out you're seeing another man!

The first threat safely out of the way, things escalate in the months ahead. He starts to "box her in" by not just asking her where she's been but now requires her to tell him where she's going, and for how long. Soon, she has to account for every minute away from him as he begins imagining nonexistent infidelities. Next, he starts openly accusing her of cheating on him and begins hitting the walls and throwing things across the room. Seeing his girl hasn’t left him, he ratchets up the pressure. The violence gets closer. Jumping out of his seat, he punches the wall next to her. This has the mental effect of breaking down her wall of protection by violating her personal space. She should have already left by now, if not, she's doomed.

He throws something at her head and she ducks at the last moment. Now he gets physical and the slapping starts. Which leads to punches and then full-on physical assaults. I know this because it happened to my cousin. The family stepped it at the "throwing things" stage by paying him a visit and "helping" him out the door. He was told: "you might be used to doing this to a woman from your country, but you won't be doing that to ours." His shit was packed up and we never saw him again. If you'll notice, all of this happens gradually, acclimatizing the female at every stage. I almost wonder if some form of Stockholm syndrome is at play here forming an attachment between the two. Either way, it's important to recognize these stages so you can get out before it's too late.

We may not wish to look at culture in these politically correct days but when it comes to domestic violence, we may have to. If you're considering dating someone who was raised in a culture of controlling women with force, that needs to be considered. If not for your own sake, but also for the peace and safety of any potential children you may have as a result of this union. No one deserves to live a life in fear.

Control

A woman could be beaten by her boyfriend or husband simply for taking too long shopping. In English culture, hitting a female is considered cowardly. The only time you're allowed to do so is in self-defense, and that's after warning her first unless your life is in imminent danger. I heard many men say they had grown up watching their Fathers, Uncles, and Grandfathers attack the females in the family as part of being "manly." Beating on a woman became a way of proving they were a real man and had total control over their household.

I began to wonder why the women put up with it at all. It seemed no one bothered to check the backgrounds of the guys they dated. Wouldn't you contact the ex-wife or girlfriend to see what kind of person he was before committing to a relationship? But from numerous conversations, it seemed that these women were stuck in the same "culture trap" that the men were. They had seen so much violence and possessiveness against members of their own sex, that they were almost resigned to it. There was a constant fear of being attacked or even killed for leaving the man. Often, children were expressed as the reason for staying in an abusive relationship.

One of the tricks I heard from the men is that they quickly get the girl pregnant so that she cannot leave him. Once you get them knocked-up, they have no choice but to remain with you. was a refrain I heard again and again. Condoms ripped off prior to climax, guys refusing to pull out, nothing seemed off the table to anchor the woman to the man.

We felt bad for these girls but whenever they asked the neighbors to call the police when their husbands were beating them, we noticed something strange. Almost every single time, the women would plead with the police: Don't arrest my husband! This after begging the very same neighbors to call the authorities. The cops got mad at the people for calling them and eventually everyone agreed to stop. They all realized that due to the upbringing in her culture, she would never leave him as long as she thought somebody would intervene. Everyone did stop and then something amazing happened...

Had enough, taking action

After the umpteenth beating from her husband, he realized no one would call the police. He began to go after her even more so that his young children tried to defend her. He then started hitting the kids. Seeing him now go after the innocent children awoke something inside her that had been repressed for far too long. Thinking quickly, she grabbed the fire extinguisher, aimed it at his face and pulled the trigger. Driving him away from her and the injured kids. This time she turned him in herself, pressed charges and left him. We were so proud of her. She now lives in Connecticut with a man who treats her and the kids with the love and respect they deserve.

Resources

Domestic Violence Fact Sheet.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Information on common date rape drugs
Emergency Shelter List and programs, US & Canada

Women are our Grandmothers, mothers, and daughters. They gave birth to us, nurtured and loved us and will always be there when we need them. The only time a man should raise his hand to them is to give her a hug. A REAL man should never have to prove how "macho" he is by hitting a woman. Do you agree?

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