I’m a 43 year old male, when I turn 44, I’ll have lived a total of 45 years. I’ve been 33, 23, etc. so I know what I’m about to say doesn’t pertain to any males in their 30’s, 20’s, etc. because you’re the best, you’re one out of seven billion people who’s unique and unlike anyone else, I don’t know anything about you and, if there’s one thing I’ll never understand, it’s you—I know! Believe me, I know this, I’ve been every number between 0 and 44.

Just hear me out!

Real quick, I should probably add a #comedy tag right here otherwise someone may read these #jokes and brush it off as though what I’m about to say isn’t going to happen to them—in the real near future. A big shout-out to @comedyopenmic just to see if there’s anyone left on the platform from that channel, “hello-ello- looooo!” I’ll add them to the title just in case they didn’t hear me (for old times sake).

Shaving:

Look, I’ve been shaving my face off for a long time. The first time I applied a razor to my flesh was between 9th and 10th grade—I would’ve 14 years old. That’s nearly thirty years of practice—three decades. I know exactly how much foam I need—I can lather my cheeks with my eyes shut and I know when I need a new razor. I always start on the left side of my face and work my way to the right, I know the proper direction and force to use in and around my nostrils (yes, in), I know how long to rinse the razor in the sink between strokes and I even know the optimum water pressure needed to flow from the faucet—I got this! It’s shaving, something I’ve done a bajillion times, like putting on shoes—I’ve developed a method and I know which up strokes and down strokes work best for the contours of my face.

Welcome to 39’ish, fellas. Somewhere in your late 30’s is when it happens, it happens overnight. It’s the age when your Adam’s apple, the same one you’ve been shaving since you were 14, sprouts a new patch of scattered hairs without warning! One post-shower shave and suddenly you’ve got about a dozen, unfamiliar, non-directional stragglers protruding from your Adam’s apple which is already a difficult contour to navigate without cutting yourself. Circles, cross-diagonals, sideways strokes, get used to it, all of it! You’ll be developing your own method in no time—don’t say I didn’t warn you. Speaking of hair removal...

Tweezers:

You’ll want to invest in a #quality pair of tweezers with a tweezing-edge that runs parallel to the body of the hair-plucking instrument, you following me? No, really, are you #following me?! You don’t want a pair of tweezers with the sharp edge at the point of the instrument, the type that require a stabbing position for optimum plucking, negative, those aren’t the ones you want. You want a pair that lays parallel to the contours of your face, length-wise, with a sharp plucking blade approximately 1/8 inch long for maximum surface grabbing area—it’ll decrease your chances of air plucking (see, grab, pluck.. nothing = Air plucking).

You’ll need them for your nose hairs—not nostrile hairs, either, not the ones you’re familiar with that grow inside your nose, trimmers still work best for those! I’m talking about nose hairs that are unfamiliar, #newbies, the random 3-5 hairs that begin their bi-weekly appearance cycle on the exterior of your nose around age 42. And, you won’t catch them in their blooming phase, either—never! I’m convinced they don’t have a blooming phase, they’re only noticeable once they’re the length of an average-sized, slightly singed, lower eye lash. Yeah, about that long. Don’t cut yourself short when it comes time to purchase your first pair of tweezers, go all out, splurge on yourself, get the nice ones! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Speaking of short...

Shake it:

Look, I’ve been peeing for a long time, I’ve been peeing regularly since before I could get ahold of myself. Even if I only peed twice a day, which I’ll prove in a moment isn’t prossible, would mean I’ve peed two times 365 days which equals 730 times, now multiply that by 43 years and you have a lot! That’s a lot of practice. Back in my drinking days (this is the proof) I’m going two and three times an hour so when it comes to practice—I’m a seasoned vet! I can clean paper remnants off the side of a toilet bowl without hitting the rim, I can overflow an ant hole without getting any on my feet, I’ve been writing my name in the snow, in cursive, since before I could tie my shoes—you name it! I can speed pee, too, that’s the side of the road pee where you have to hurry and pee with force because there’s a vehicle approaching—I got this!

Well, fellas, this is what’s going to happen in your early 40’s, let’s just say you’re not going to trust yourself speed peeing anymore. You’re going to have to give yourself adequate time to shake it about 40 times more than what you previously considered normal. Ok, 40 is an exaggeration... for now! I’m not kidding fellas, you’ll understand soon enough, get your shake game on, one miss-shake in a pair of board shorts is going to ruin the next 35 minutes of your day and you’re going to need to develop multiple cover-up techniques—stat! Why do you think the old dudes are always at the urinal before you and still they’re there when you leave? There, now you know! Ladies, I’ll let you in on a secret, you probably don’t know this: when your man comes out of the bathroom reaching at his knee like he’s got an itch or he’s adjusting his pants—he didn’t shake it enough. He’s not scratching his leg at all, he’s rubbing the drip(s) he didn’t shake off thoroughly into the leg of his pants. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Speaking of bathroom...

It’s perfectly natural:

Look, I don’t need to get into a poop game detail right here, everyone knows how it goes down in the morning, that’s all I’m going to say about it.

Butt! But! ‘Morning’ is a vague wOrd at age 41 whereas “regular” is more accurate and, as far as I know, it extends 10 minutes with age. What do I mean by that? Simple! 41 means your day starts at 4:10, 42 - 4:20, 43 - 4:30 and so on. Sure, there’s going to be fluctuation depending on what you ate last, what time you have your coffee, timezones, etc. these are all genuine discrepancies. However, 10 minutes is 10 minutes and, at 70 years old, all I’m saying is I wouldn’t chance extending your daily regiment beyond seven a.m—the consequences could be disastrous, far worse than a pair of spotted board shorts. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Speaking of things...

Blackheads:

Look, I’m sorry I have to be the bearer of bad news but it’s for your own good, I’m here to report they don’t go away. I’m starting to believe they never will, ever—they’re lifetime followers. They’re not near as noticeable or unattractive as they were when you were a teenager, just know the ones you’re not so fond of at this very moment, yeah, those ones—they never go away, ever. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Speaking of never go away...

Blackheads:

Yeah, I’m here to report they don’t go away, I’m starting to believe they neeee... hey—hold up! Wait a got-dang minute!! I already did this part, see that? Did you catch what just happened? I’m repeating myself. That’s another thing to look forward to when you reach 40, when you reach 40—you start repeating yourself, you start repeating yourself. Speaking of 40...

Count on being stronger than you ever were, it’s a fact. I know that’s difficult to believe for someone reading this who’s in their 20’s but it’s the truth—I’m substantially stronger now, at 43, than I ever was at 25, it’s no comparison actually. Wiser, too! I’ve been around the block a little bit, with that comes wisdom, it’s inevitable thanks to the knowledge gained by the phenomenon known as life’s daily occurrences. I’ve been told by several of my seniors that 35-45 is the age of a man’s prime and, as far as I know, they couldn’t be more accurate! That’s another thing—two ears and one mouth when your elders are speaking. You’ll begin rolling into your mental and physical prime at age 35 and you’ll really start to feel your #new stride around 37-39. Some of my seniors have told me a man’s prime extends to age 49—I’ll take it! The shaking, repeating yourself, the shaking, repeating yourself, poop schedule, etc. are just part of the evolution process—embrace it! It only gets better from here—I promise! Each decade has been a steady climb toward better, clearer things, 40 is no exception, it’s the best one yet!

There’s one more thing I wanted to tell you but I can’t remember what it is now—danget! Eh, trying to remember things, that’s another one.. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.