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About
Published in 1989, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a self-help book written by Stephen Covey that has helped shape leaders all around the globe with 25 million copies sold and translated to 38 different languages. This book provides step-by-step actions we can take to achieve holistic effectiveness.

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NOTE: To understand some of the concepts that will be mentioned in this chapter, make sure that you have read the previous chapters first:

• Inside-Out
• The Seven Habits - An Overview
• Habit 1: Be proactive.
• Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind.
• Habit 3: Put first things first.
• Paradigms of Interdependence
• Habit 4: Think Win/Win

We are almost at the end! Can you suggest a book that I can give a review/summary of after this? Let me know by replying to this post :) But for now, we still have to cover Habits 5, 6, 7, and the concluding chapter.

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Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood

"I can't understand my kid. He just won't listen to me at all."

Before proceeding, analyze what is wrong with the father's situation.

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These are the exact words of a father struggling to build a connection with his kid. To which Stephen Covey replied, "You don't understand your son because he won't listen to you? ... I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him."

One of the deepest desires of man is to be understood. Do we really listen? Or do we desperately want others to hear our side of the story right away? Are we quick to giving advice without deeply understanding the other person?

You see, there are five levels of "listening":

1. Ignoring: Level zero - not listening at all.
2. Pretending: Showing through our body language that we are listening, but in reality the other person's words enter in one ear but exit at the other
3. Selective Listening: Paying attention to only selected parts of the conversation
4. Attentive Listening: Listening to reply, not to understand
5. Emphatic Listening: The highest form of listening, putting yourselves in the shoes of others

In psychology, communication is said to be 10% words, 30% sounds, and 60% body language. This means that we listen with our ears, eyes, body, and heart. If we truly are empathetic, it will reflect in our body language. Again, "the first person who gives value has the leverage."* You want someone else to listen to you? Listen to them first. Listening emphatically is one of the biggest gifts of high value that you can give someone. Build that Emotional Bank Account first so you can gain the leverage of trust. This principle is also true in business. We first have to identify the needs of the target market before we develop a business idea.

Diagnose before you prescribe. Understand before you give advice.

AVOID Autobiographical Responses

One way to observe our listening skills is if we incorporate our own autobiography into the conversation. Remember that we are still trying to understand the other person. Avoid autobiography at all costs. An autobiographical response comes in four forms:

1. Evaluation: Agreeing or disagreeing (quick to judge, assume)
2. Probing: Asking questions in our own frame of reference
3. Advising: Giving counsel based on our own experience
4. Interpreting: Explaining their motives and behavior based on our own motives and behavior

I have taken counseling classes as well, and the biggest lesson that I have learned is that most of the time, we do not have the answer to other people's problems; we can only help them find it within themselves. There is a higher alternative that we can choose which will yield a Win/Win solution.

A first stage skill in effective and emphatic listening is to (1) mimic content. This is alternatively called reflective listening. Be careful not to overuse this skill as you come across as insulting. This gives time for you to internalize the content of what is being said. A higher skill is to (2) rephrase the content. This is when you think about what the other person said and put it into your own words, not your own bias. Rephrasing uses the left part of your brain; to (3) reflect the feeling is using the right part of your brain. This is when you have to imagine what you would have felt if you were in the other person's situation.

With these skills, you give the other person time and space to dwell with his own thoughts and feelings. This is not possible when you keep pushing your own agenda and autobiography. As he develops inner peace, the other person is now ready to listen to you. Remember: Change comes from the Inside-Out. Let him deal with himself first before he deals with your advice.

[a] * Gary Vaynerchuk

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Thank you!

The next chapter will talk about the sixth habit, "Synergize". To capture the whole value of these habits, I highly recommend you BUY a copy of the book - or at least download an audiobook. While summaries can give you key concepts, reading the book will give you the whole picture: real world applications, anecdotes, etc.

ALSO! Support this blog by voting for me in the ongoing Minnows Accelerator Project. Just click on this link and look for the comment "VOTE FOR @cbcheng HERE BY CLICKING THE UPVOTE. THANKS!" and upvote it. I will really appreciate the support and hopefully use my new SP to support you guys in return :)

If you have found value in this blog, please give an upvote / resteem - it would really mean a lot to me and it helps other steemians get value from this as well :) Otherwise, please do give a feedback on how my future posts can be improved! Either way, thank you for reaching the end of this post, and please follow my account as I'll be continuing this series. 'Til next time :D