Say “I Love you” no matter what! introducemyself part #2

I ALWAYS end a conversation with the love of my life with “I Love You” no matter what!

(We have matching belt buckle rings passed down to me from my grandparents which both wore as they served in WW2)

Fiancé

(We are animal lovers, Meesha our three-legged dog is no longer with us but we still have our Mexican rescue Jerry)

Today while I was looking through the conversation between my fiance and myself and I realized that both of us always say I love you at the end of our conversations, whether or not the conversation goes well. Currently I am waiting for her to return home, and as usual she does not discuss the major details of her family visit till she is home. We enjoy each other’s company yet at times we cannot stand one another.

Why?

Well I often wonder does saying I love you ever where out? When we use it all the time are we saying it to reinforce our own feelings or to reinforce the reciprocation of another’s? I can say for me it is both, sometimes we need redundancy to keep systems in check. I never get tired of hearing “ I Love You”, when you are used to hearing it all the time not becomes alarming. When my Fiancé simply does not say i love you I feel it with a heavy heart and I know something is off. Never have we had a conversation about the subject just it seems we mutually agree on the same practice of never leaving that one thing unsaid, you never know it may be your last chance!

Journey

Well I believe this will be dark but necessary to explain how I went from a fighter to a lover!

I will start from the beginning of the downturn as I can recall it, sometime just after high school. I was a drug dealer back then, and I enjoyed it atleast I thought I did. I was fulfilling a need giving me a sense of purpose, the stress of always looking over my shoulder broke me down in the end. I spent a long weekend in the mental ward after loosing my job my employer called the police when I broke down crying, this is when I can really say my darkness crept in. I was forced to look at myself but was not ready to see what was there, so I ignored the issue at hand(anxiety, depression, aggression, sleeplessness) that wore me down to the point of having that breakdown.

(ohh how I miss my Fiero, Shot on Saltspring Island from Mt.Twamp)

I continued dealing after moving with my gf at the time now Fiancé too Salt Spring Island for a new start for both of us, but I didn’t really leave the old life behind. Again I ended up at a breaking point, again loosing a job. This time it was just after my mothers passing and I was already on a super low, had started prescriptions for major-depression. The prescriptions did not do anything but make everything worse no matter the cocktail but under their suggestion I continued to take them.

(gif from culturacolectiva.com)

It was after watching Crash(he refused to tell anyone his real name) a good friend of mine and roommate struggle with his addiction that I realized how what I was doing was effecting me. While in his withdrawal state we spoke a lot about the others that he has seen pass and how that has even effected the dealers in negative ways. Most just go so dark there is no coming back, I saw the light.

This is where things get really bad for me, but they mean the most to me at the same time. My other roommate Tristan Watterworth, was pretty well single handedly the one whom pulled me out of my funk.

(He always gave me that look)

He was there for me by allowing me in on his big secret, he was depressed too! I Never would have thunk it! He always had so much charisma but he told me it was all an act for those around him. None the less it always brought a warm feeling to my heart and his when we would say “yellow” with big smiles greeting each other(yellow came from when we were way too stoned to talk correctly). Through watching people lives fall apart right infront of me I came to the conclusion I needed out of my nefarious buisiness, things turned bad quick as they always do when you want out.

I moved off island(getting away from dealing) and we fell out of touch for a year or 2, but he moved a block away from me in the big city coincidence much? He saw me driving by while he was getting of the bus screaming my name, lucky the windows were down I recognized that screechy voice immediately wiped my head around and almost got rear ended trying to pull a quick maneuver to the curb.

(Tristan on the right leaning in, This was our SaltSpring Crew)

It was like old times, driving & enjoying each other’s company every weekend. He was our mandatory third wheel. Tristans struggle got significantly harder and eventually after a very long, ugly battle he lost. He drank while on his antidepressants and overdosed accidentally, I know it was accidental because part of how he helped me was by making me promise to never hurt myself and he did the same! If there is only one thing I know to be true, he like I was a man of his word. Loosing my bestest-best-friend shook me to the core, fired up the darkness I had suppressed and this time I didn’t have Tristan’s help too recover. I will always have the memories and lessons that man left behind, he was the best man I have ever known. He was going to be my best man, I may be putting the wedding off still today because he cannot be there in body.

Reason I always say “I Love You”

I wish that we had more time, I told him directly what he meant to me, told him “I Love You”. Soul Mates don’t have to be lovers you know, and love has many different severities and contexts. Spanish is a good example of this with diffent words meaning love for context of friend, family, lover. I will always regret not saying more to him when I had the chance!

Life became a journey of helping others, and in doing so I learned that is ultimately how Tristan helped me. By helping him I was healing myself and I continued that path till near exhaustion!

• My Buddy Ryan Hill from my home town, was run over by his drug dealer angry he got clean, ended up back on heroion after being put on Fentanyl while he was unconscious, I helped him get off the streets for 6 months and clean for 3 months before he slipped and OD during the anniversary of his late baby girl Taylor’s passing.
  
  (My brother while in Mexico treatment, last thing I have heard from him if by chance you see him around Nanaimo, BC tell him “I Love Him” for me please)
• My Brother had a stroke while cheating on his wife, ended up back on crack after 25 years clean, left his wife for the woman and moved to Mexico, was tortured in Mexican treatment, came back to canada and I haven’t heard from him since nor can I find him or can anyone else for that matter. He was refusing my help but until I lost contact was continuously trying to manipulate me into handouts(I have a lot of experience with drug addicts manipulation attempts).
  
• Heather Jones had expressed her excitement for me to work for her cab company to both myself and her family whom I am very close friends with her sister Chelsea. I studied for my class 4 license and 3 weeks before my scheduled test she was Murdered by her son Martin, this was absolutely devastating. Unnatural thing, having a very close friend’s head smashed in by her own son while suffering a Schizophrenic break.

Some time during my journey I noticed, when someone has not heard “I Love You” in awhile you can almost bring a tear to their eye in doing so. My buddy Ryan started it, and he meant it. I was there through the hospital, his physical thearapy, addiction, recovery and death. He always made sure too say “I Love You” when ever we would end a visit and for awhile I felt odd saying it back to another man.

I realize now it is completely normal and I was in the process of breaking the social programming I had endured which thought me to be hard and show no weakness. I started to accept my “weakness” as a strength its all in how you apply yourself in life, are you a victim or a victor?

Victor

I am a victor of life, by finding my way out of the darkness into the light I choose to not be a victim of life’s tragedies. Finding this community has been my most recent victory and as the lesson of my journey has taught me to say!

“I LOVE YOU” Steemit community

I have not had a passion in many moons, crypto started that change and I have found Steemit now there is no turning back.

Always say “I Love You” even if you wont be reciprocated, you never know what it could really mean to someone. The power of such simple words is unimaginable till you have also been on the receiving end coming from a place of dispair. Friends may think its weird but if they never see you again they will know where you stood. Don’t create regrets rather create memories by neutralizing all tension with three simple words “I Love You”.

If you or anyone you know suffers from Mental Health or anything the like, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Refer them to help or just be there for them, you never know it may be all that’s needed. Think of yourself in a situation where death is inevitable from your perspective, a hand up could encourage you to try again like my buddy Ryan or myself thanks to Tristan Watterworth.

##Mental Health Awareness
Schizophrenia Wiki
MentalHealth.gov Crisis Prevention Hotlines
If you fear someone will hurt themselves or someone else always Call 911 first! (This may have saved Heather Jones)

Honourable mentions

@czechglobalhosts for this post - started the reflection process
@buddy67 for this post - How choice is the key to fitting into life

Whats a d00k13? introduceyourself part #1

As a knower on the path of knowing to discover the known I reveal to you my findings, good and bad.

Follow @d00k13 if you wish to learn more about me or my cryptoverse journey!
If you wish too help me on my journey, Power please! Anything else will be converted anyhow, Brutally Honest Always Beats a Liar.