And the judgement rained down with the tears
One year ago was an important day for my family and a hard one for my wife. It was the day she stopped breast feeding our daughter.
She didn't want to but, it had to be done as she herself had only eaten unseasoned pork and sweet potato for the last three months and at this point, weighed less than before she was pregnant. She tried her best to push it to six months but, it couldn't be done. Her backbone was showing through her clothes and still our baby screamed in pain. It had to happen. My wife cried, she felt like she had failed as a mother.
Is it strange that I am writing about breastfeeding?
The price of the formula that would replace breast milk (Neocate LCP) was going to be between 500 and 700€ a month, almost twice our mortgage and we had no idea how we were going to cover it. In a near panic, a new father, a recovering wife and a baby that barely slept more than an hour at a time, and screamed nearly constantly while awake, I did all I could.
I tried to extend some of my business but the time was wrong for clients. It was this that was the catalyst for me hearing about and joining Steemit, it is when I started writing. If I could get something, anything to ease the burden I would try it. Who wouldn't do all they can in this position?
But, it wasn't the financial hardship that was the worst in this, it was the judgements and assumptions of friends and strangers. Yes, family new the story but it was the outer group and random strangers who were the worst. Those who without even asking for detail, would make their assumption and provide their opinions.
Some were well-intentioned and would say to my wife things like, 'Don't eat spicy foods, chocolate' or some other obvious things as if we hadn't thought of researching and testing them already. But others, passed judgement and would say things like, 'Did you stop to save your boobs?' or 'You know, it is healthier for the baby to breast feed'.
People spoke to my wife as if she was an uneducated teen who had a baby as a lifestyle prop with which to take selfies. They didn't see her face in pain as they were too lost in spilling their pious diatribe of groupthink bile, as if the information they gave was that of an expert with the necessary background.
They didn't see her face after when she told me what she had heard. They didn't see her cry when she gave our daughter the bottle filled with formula.
It is interesting how fast we pass judgements upon others with no background but our assumptions on what we see. We all do it, even those that know better. Some though are so blind to themselves and oblivious of others that they cannot even recognise they do it. It is often these people who are also the most sensitive to criticism.
But regardless of the judgements that come, it is up to us to walk our path and for better or for worse, up to us how we raise our children. Many parents are such that they run on autopilot, habits of the past, slices of information uninvestigated. Is it any wonder we become like our parents as parents when we repeat the patterns they taught?
There is so much controversy surrounding breast feeding, so much stigma and conflicting advice but yes, it is better for the child, but people forget, each child is unique. What is good for the average may not suit an individual and to treat all the same is to do inflict much suffering.
Two weeks after we started the formula, we met our daughter for the first time. Gone was the screaming, the twisting and writhing in pain and she was sleeping for three or four hours in a row. And when she was awake, the near constant frown was replaced by a smile and instead of looking for comfort, she looked around with curiosity at the world she seemed to truly notice for the first time. She hasn't stopped paying attention to her world since.
As hard as it was on my wife, as difficult as it was on our family, for our daughter, we made the right decision, no matter what anyone else may think. Even though it hurt at the time, my wife absorbed the judgement and disapproval of others, and instead of complaining and explaining, thought of our daughter's health instead.
This is the thing with parenting, the thing about being a mother or a father, it is not about you. The hardship and suffering you are willing to endure is for another. We have a brilliant daughter and she has a brilliant mother.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
Is this her only kid? I made almost no milk for my first baby. The second one was starving too at first. With the first, I switched to formula all together. With the 2nd, I gave him formula two or 3 times a day and nursed in between. He was so hungrey without the formula he cried all the time and was losing weight instead of gaining. He was almost 2 weeks old and I knew he was starving. He kept up atleast 1 bottle and usually 2 every day untill he started on fruit and cereal. Hes 14 months now and only nurses at bedtime
All kids are different, even with the same set of parents.
What would all the know it alls think about letting the baby starve on the principal of breast is best.
Good for her for being smart enugh to reconize a problem and address it at all costs in the best intrest of her kid.
First and only child. There are so many variables people do not consider when they pass judgement yet if in the same position, would do much the same.
She may have another baby and have a completely different experience. Encourage her not to give up on the idea if she does because of a bad first experience. I had thought that the way things went with my first kid, there was no chance with my second. I was so wrong. I had some great encouragement to try again, and it worked out a lot better the second time. I even learned that events during delivery can affect the moms' ability to produce milk and the nurses at the second hospital were aware of the problems I had had before and were a lot of help.
People tell you that its natural and the only option woman had until recently. That's not true at all. Wetnurses were used, and a lot of babies died early on. I've even heard the old woman tell of dipping cotton rags for the baby to feed on because common folks didn't have glass or nipples. Those days were an era of things not talked about, unlike today where everything is everybody's business. Woman have always done whatever's necessary for the babies. If the baby's living happy and healthy then she must be doing something right.
Sorry for the delay in responce. My internet went off for 3 days. Then I just lost track of what I was doing.
It is very important that the baby has breast milk in its first days but it is also important to remove it at a certain age for the good of the baby and your wife. I think they were acetive to remove it at that time as everything in life should have a balance. By the way, how is this new stage of your life going? Great guess is the most beautiful stage you can live
Things are going relatively well now, thank you.
This is such a personal and sensitive topic. People can be terrible and seriously thoughtless individuals at times.
It's a crime how expensive a decent baby formula costs. So many of the formulas are filled with random chemicals and byproducts that you wouldn't want to feed to your worst enemy, let alone a young newborn child!
My son had ear infections for most of the second 3 months of his life. 5 rounds of Antibiotics (effectively back-to-back) couldn't get rid of the infections. We were forced to make a decision about putting our son under anesthesia, before he was 1 year old!, to have "tubes" surgically implanted in his ears. It was such a challenging decision considering all of the risks you can find online about putting such a small human under anesthesia so early in their life.
We wound up deciding to go through with implanting the tubes, and like you said, we met our son! He was a whole new boy. No More Ear Infections!! Now he's able to hear and speak and talk and be the happiest little pain in the butt toddler that every parent dreams of :)
Don't let other people bring you (or your wife) down. It's interesting how when you're the ignorant one, Ignorance is bliss, but when you're dealing with ignorant people, it's not so blissful!
That procedure is really common here for Finnish children. I will go out on a limb and say that there is some genetic reasoning for it like, 'narrow canals' or something because very few foreign children here have the same levels of ear infections. They put our daughter on antibiotics one and a half times for no reason for a urinary infection.
What we have done to help her stomach, allergies and recover from the antibiotics is give probiotics every day for the last year. We use this (again retardedly expensive) one called Vivomixx. It seems to have helped her in many ways.
Yeah, the ear tubes are becoming a more and more common procedure here as well. My son was barely 7 months old when he had the surgery, so he was the youngest (and therefore the first procedure of the day). I believe we were told something about the "narrow canals" genetic reasoning.
The hospital had a TV with the list of procedures, and the doctors performing them, in the waiting room. It's mildly comforting when you see such a long list, with all of the children having the same procedure being performed. Although as a parent, you're never really "at ease" until you physically see your child and that they are OK.
Hmm, I haven't heard of Vivomixx, but that doesn't mean too much; my wife and I wound up finding a formula that our son liked and went with it for the 2-3 months before he transitioned to solids.
When my son was still on formula, we heard about a site from one of my colleagues my-german-depot.com where you can purchase some "high-quality-organic" formula at "affordable prices", at least compared to the competition. The affordability only really comes in when you buy in bulk though.
I think the one we looked at was the "Holle organic infant formula PRE" formula, since it doesn't contain maltrodextrin. I believe there was at least one other ingredient that "you should avoid" in baby formula, but I can't recall the name of it (I know.. that's not very helpful).
If that one isn't helpful, another site that we found was organicstart.com. Maybe one of these formulas fits your daughter's needs and is less expensive than what you're paying? I understand that changing from something that works might not be worth the effort though, so I won't be offended if you don't use any of these :)
The only thing stranger than you writing about breastfeeding is me reading about breastfeeding. Putting humor aside, this article was firstly about about parenting and the necessary sacrifices involved in it, and secondly, it was about the ugly side of human nature; the busy-bodies who feel compelled to offer their unasked for opinions, and the insensitive cruelty and self-righteousness that seems to be epidemic.
My wife breast fed our three children, but back when they were born in California (1979 to 1985), having babies at home with a midwife was all the rage. My wife endured incredible pressure to go the home-birth route from other women. The comments were incredible. We were just kids at the time, 20 and 21, but we knew enough to opt for a very comfortable birthing room in a hospital. As fate would have it my wife wouldn't dilate, and was completely exhausted and tapped out after 36 hours of labor. Our first-born was removed with forceps. If she had succumbed to the pressure for a home birth the consequences could have been tragic.
Home birth is not allowed in Finland (legally) for first children, no midwife will perform it as the risk is too high. One thing in Finland is that they really do a pretty decent job of baby healthcare. A benefit of high taxes. The birth of ours is another story altogether and suction was required (new forceps?) and the recovery is still ongoing a year and a half later.
Essentially, people know what they know and believe what they know to be correct whilst rarely doing the research required to check.
That's really sad, what you and your wife especially, had gone through. She must really be devastated not to be able to breastfeed your child. But hey, I think you made the right choice as it turned out better for your baby and wife- healthwise, psycologically and in many other aspects. Even the financial part of the formula being expensive. See, you found steemit!😉
What works for others does not mean it will work for everyone. You chose an option that would be beneficial to your family, so the h#ck to what others say! You are great parents in your own way.
Cheers!
Sometimes I wonder what kind of damage would have been done by continuing breastfeeding also. I can only assume that there is the potential to create some unhealthy psychological complexes with food when whenever you eat you feel pain. It doesn't matter now, she is the smartest kid I know.
Not only to her but to your wife too, when she's thin to the bones already... and true it does not matter now. Whay's important is what lies ahead. So many baby milestones to look forward to! Enjoy! 😉
I know it's very hard for a mom to withdraw breastfeeding. I had that same experience with my youngest when I started having hypertension we need to feed her with formula milk. I know you both did that for the benefit of your wife and baby. Whatever decisions you made is always what's best for your family. Don't mind what other people would say(I know it's not easy) but as long as you know that what you're doing is right don't mind them. :) And I can see now that your baby is healthy and is enjoying her milk formula I am very happy for her and your wife. :)
Thank you for sharing this @tarazkp. :)
Not being a parent, I'm not exactly qualified to throw my hat in the ring, but talking from a detached position on this, maybe it gives me a clarity not afforded by being a parent.
Seeing parenting in anthropological terms, and seeing parents where the child is not he center of everything makes no sense to me.
No rules, no social pressures.
It's all about them, whatever it takes..
Your job, as two gene sets, is to pass them on. That's how it works.
To not do anything that maximizes your child chances of success (passing on their genes in the most advantageous way) to me, seems like a dereliction of a genetic job!
My genes have skipped the motivational chromosome, in that area. Voluntarily unemployed, you might say.
(paradoxically, the amount of times mothers, and girlfriends, have said what a great parent I would be...oh well).
I have a feeling, seeing the thought you seem to put into everything (steemit being my only point of reference )- you and your wife are, and will be, fantastic parents...
I think there are two sides to this as some parents neglect themselves 'too much' for their children which ends negatively impacting on the child also. But, I think there is this societal trend for everyone to be free of responsibility, even those who have chosen to have children. It is an entitlement problem where people think they can have everything without paying an opportunity/cost price.
...but that still means the parents are not doing their job, if they fail to see this happening, if it is negative to the child..?
Abundance, and decadence, infused with 50 years cultural marxism ...hey presto..!
(as a non parent, please feel free to tell me to shut up as I have no idea what I'm on about, at any time. No offense taken. lol)
:)
I'm not sure if you know the answer to this, but I'm spamming my contacts!
You strike as someone who might know about this..
Cheers..
https://steemit.com/blog/@lucylin/a-techy-dunce-asks-a-question
Dang, I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through all of that. It sounds really rough. You're right, not every child is the same and all you can do is the best you can. If you're trying your hardest and it's not working, you have to switch to something else.
I'm sorry the formula is so expensive. That's just another added difficulty, but i can imagine that the baby being healthy, your wife being healthy, and everyone getting a little sleep makes it all a bit better.
Hope things continue to get better for you!
It is still not over but things are much, much better now. She struggles with many solids but it also means she has a pretty healthy diet that excludes all processed foods and sugars. She still uses formula but it is now a supplement to make sure she gets enough nutrients. Thanks for stopping by again :)
In our religion Islam said that mother should Breast feeding about 2 years its better because milk of mother is so important for child than other milk, I have a son have 8 months he will complet 2 years of breast feeding 👌
It is good that it is possible to do this as you would like.
but often the mother doesn't have a choice, and has to stop breastfeeding earlier.
firstly
holy shit how is formula costing you 500 euro/month?
In Australia a tub costs around $25-30....
secondly, yeah, people are judgmental assholes, especially when it comes to parenting.
and considering that mother's are very emotionally vulnerable to be begin with, people need to stop being assholes.
It is an amino acid based formula that is suitable for kids with all kinds of allergies. It is about 65€ a can and is only available from pharmacies. We were going through 7 to 10 a month. Now about 3 -4 a month since she needs it less often but in larger quantities. It is also a version for older babies. Finland is crazy expensive for a lot of things.
Yeah, people are arseholes over many things.
that's absurd.
We go through probably 2 cans a month now - trying to really cut down on the milk because too much milk after a certain age is no good.