I am STRUGGLING Lately. A LOT. I Feel Like I'm Underwater
I'm posting this because I am in some sort of self sabotaging, mental blocking, near panic inducing emotional state right now and I can not seem to get myself into a coherent state of mind. I literally wrote over 50,000 words on one single writing project last week in 6 days. Something that I have been excited to start and finally had all of my 'ducks in a row' so to speak. The project goal is to write somewhere around 80,000 words, but for some reason I froze in the middle. I guess I did end up getting horribly sick and that kept me from accomplishing anything for a few days, but STILL.
I was on a roll and the words were just flying out of me, I knew where I wanted the story to go, etc. and now... I've written, deleted and rewritten 3,000 words over and over for the last few days. I can NOT seem to get past this block. It is sending me into a weird state of mind where I am doubting myself in SO many ways (yay! ANXIETY!) and turning this block into an overpowering, mindnumbing complete and utter freak the fuck out kind of thing.
Now I can't seem to write anything. The more I try to go back to writing on my project, the more I stress out about it. I've decided to just let it go for the day. I am determined NOT to even attempt to write anything on it at all. I've been struggling to write anything at all today. I can't seem to do any of the fun challenges I'm seeing, I can't even get a freewrite out today! That is really bad.
That thought has been spinning me in vicious circles, thinking, "Well, what if I just can't finish ANYTHING?" and if I do, What makes me think that I could ever write anything that people would spend money on? I think start to draw in the external stress about money and start thinking that I should just kick ALL of this writing shit to the curb and go get a job making $9.00 an hour at the grocery store, because of course I haven't worked much outside of the house for over twenty years and few people put a value on being a stay at home mom when it comes to hiring you.
And that of course just spirals up and up into utter panic.
I'm wigging OUT man!
I have to find my chill. I am letting my emotions run away with me and I need to NOT do that. It's time to let it go for now. I tend to just take the hits of stress and tamp them down, because there are just so many things that I can't fix myself, that I have no control over. I have to rediscover my own 'center' I guess you could say, and I always feel like I'm drowning during times like this. I can't seem to focus or remember how to calm myself down. It's quite ridiculous in some ways, because I've been through this so many times in the past and I KNOW that looking back I'll say, "Gee, I wonder why I was so stressed out!?"
What are your DE-STRESS routines? How do you get a handle on it?
For me, right now, I'm going to grab a silly little romance novel and go soak in a hot bath with some calming essential oils.
I could really use some positive vibes.
hugs to you!!! I find laughter yoga helpful. It clears the mind and gets a completely different mindset going.
here is a schedule for on the phone sessions
http://www.laughteryogaonthephone.com/laughter-yoga-on-the-phone-schedule-for-free-calls-.html
As for writing - just keep going. don't stop, don't edit. You can throw it away later. keep going until you are through it. And that will happen!! And people want to pay for what you write...
You might be surprised. I write EVERYTHING like a freewrite. I don't edit, I don't plan anything. Hell, I don't even know what's going to happen next... even during the 50,000 words! I think the problem might be that I started to think I knew what was going to happen next! :/ So yeah, I've been writing, but then deleting what I wrote every day, so I think it's time to take a step back for a few days.
I did take the evening/night off after writing this post, though. I had a long bath and just read a bit of a romance novel... and then I slept for about 14 hours. I stayed off of the internet/computer and just read and went to sleep. Socializing tends to stress me out sometimes as well, even online or even being around family. My husband offered to take our daughter to a movie last night and then I just had alone time until I went to bed. I'm hoping that this will maybe refresh my brain a bit! If nothing else, I'm going to just read this novel until it's finished and enjoy it or get inspired midway through and finally start writing :)
Totally get what you are saying. And I am with you on the writing front. If I have plotted out a story - somehow, my writing gets really stilted.
And the alone time..... When I get stressed out, I used to hide in the bedroom and just read. Day, night, for a couple of days. Disappear into the world of a new author I might have discovered..... And come back refreshed to tackle my own life - and, I probably should be writing this from my personal account lol (mw)
I understand what you are experiencing. I am going through something similar. Not the same, because I am not you.
I can't give you any specific advice. Something to (perhaps) bear in mind is that I see a lot of stuff about positive thinking and how great it is. See, the thing is, it certainly has a place. There are times, whatever path one is on, that doubts will creep in, and it is important that we don't give in to these doubts.
However, blinkered, evangelical positive thinking can lead one into a blind alley. Sometimes what we are doing isn't going to work, and I think every grown up has worked out that failure is a part of life. It's a vital part.
I am not suggesting for one second that you are on the wrong path! You are a terrific writer - really engaging and confident - and you have the talent to be a successful author - that's obvious.
I suppose I am just saying that all of us need to read the writing on the wall from time to time, whether we like it or not.
I feel the same way about the positive thinking. I definitely agree that it can help and has a place, but sometimes the very fact that I can't wrap my brain around positive thoughts stresses me out even more! Having been raised in an evangelical church and gotten all the "you wouldn't be depressed if you just had more faith" and all that... it sometimes just makes me cringe to even hear anything related to it. However, I do believe that our thoughts can have an effect, it's just not always the way my brain wants to function.
I'm afraid I'm still not conveying my thoughts well, but hey, at least I'm writing something. Even if it is just semi-coherent replies to supportive comments!?
Thank you for the reality check nonetheless. I appreciate it.
I am not sure I was trying to give you a reality check!
There is a terrific book by Derren Brown called "Happy":
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30142270-happy
He rallies against blinkered positive thinking, and encourages the reader to really consider the concept of happiness. It's a good read, and I would really recommend that anyone gives it a go. I think you might really like it.
Thank you! I'll check it out! (and, btw, I didn't mean 'reality check' in any kind of bad way... but I had been feeling like I shouldn't be feeling so negative and kind of continuing the cycle by beating myself up about the whole 'positive thinking' thing, so your words helped take me out of that cycle for a moment. I really needed that!
Ah, okay, I get you. I was a bit concerned that it looked like I was suggesting a certain course. It seems to me that both negative and positive thinking have their respective places - it's just about finding the balance. Which kind of sums up life!
chucks an inflatable ring at you.
Oh maaaaan, writer's block on a large assignment is no fun. You're doing good by purposely taking a break from it today to cool off though c:
Remember how you were in my post the other day about consistency? I think a good idea is to just put the rest of the words out there first in some form of a draft—just to get that weight off of you that's dragging you down.
I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety myself, and a method that I'm finding (working on now) is to just do and if something truly requires my perfectionism I can get back to it, after I got the main gist down.
You got this for sure, don't delude yourself into a downward spiral. You don't see me trying to get a day job even when my payouts aren't making me serious bank. One step at a time.
Do now (tomorrow), and think after it's done! ^_^
Thank you :) That's very much how I always write... I just let the words flow onto the page and watch the story unfold. I think I tripped myself up by starting to plan ahead with the story for once and it totally stopped the flow! My brain really prefers to just let it fly without a plan. I do need to not allow my brain to go into such a downward spiral, though. I mean sheesh, brain, CALM DOWN already! :)
Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it!
No problem ^_^ I like going with the flow too! Now don't get me wrong lol, I do plan out the main ideas that I want to get across when I write, but it's almost like my mind possesses the keyboard afterward. I learned from a presentation given by Neil Strauss that if we get hung up on a word, wording, definition, or idea to note where it is and keep writing. Things like that can be revisted after!
Everything needs some kind of freaky balance xD LOOOOOOL I tell my brain that everyday too! Do now, think later... I'm trying to embody that.
I'm not even worried—you got this! :D
I have had to start just leaving a "_____" or something when I'm writing and get stuck on a word (quite often it's names that trip me up!) I totally get what you mean with the mind possessing the keyboard. My husband always calls it my 'verbal vomit' when he sees me write :)
There's actually an abbreviation you can use called TK which means "to come." I get all impatient a bunch of the time and just look words up instead (sometimes I'm not sure if a word means what I think it does!)
Ewww vomit makes it sound lame! I scold your husband x'D You are in the zone yo!~
I haven't written anything in the past days either. I'm also terribly stressed out in general with the situation of Venezuela, the fact that I'll probably be trapped here if I don't get a passport renewal (which seems unlikely with the current government stopping the passport renewal processes in a new Cuba-like effort) and other similar stuff about my broken computer and all.
What I've been doing is just dodge it all, play games, read and listen to music and "the problems shall magically disappear" (they won't till I solve them).
Ah, and I've also been more 'consuming' other people's content than minding my own.
Oh man, I can not imagine. It sounds beyond stressful. I don't have such imminent problems to deal with, my brain just keeps reacting as if I do. I feel a little silly even complaining!
I wish you the best.
I did very much the same as you, I did take the evening/night off after writing this post, though. I had a long bath and just read a bit of a romance novel... and then I slept for about 14 hours. I stayed off of the internet/computer and just read and went to sleep. Socializing tends to stress me out sometimes as well, even online or even being around family. My husband offered to take our daughter to a movie last night and then I just had alone time until I went to bed.
I hope your situation is resolved and maybe something magical happens with your passport.
You're sweet. :) Thank you. I love your graphics! <3
Helo @cuddlekitten, apa kabar? Ini artikel yang bagus.. telah kami upvote.. :-˃
Have a 100% upvote for some positive vibes.
I so know this feeling. Everytime I have sat down to write about our adoption i freeze up because its so importamt to me and then I cant write anything. Or I spend hours writting and deleting my thoughts as they never look as good as I think them. So like you I have excused myself and jumped in the bath with a good book and chocolate of course lol.
Fingers crossed with a break you will get your mojo back. You rock! Dont forget it xx
I wished for chocolate, but I just ended up in the bath with a book :) I LOVE that board/desk thing you have going on there! That is amazing! I did take the night off from writing and being online at all. It was a much needed break.
My sister got me that for my birthday last year. I love it. Has saved me a few times. I have dropped many things into the bath. My husband ironed about 100 pages of a book I hadn't finished reading that I had dropped in with me. The worst was a bag popcorn. I had to have a shower to scrub off the residue left over lol.
HAHAHAHAHAHA I have done this too many times, which is why I always buy $1.00 books from the used book store to read :) I have had to let a book dry out before, so it's definitely not just you.
The bag of popcorn cracks me up :) It would make for an interesting perfume! :)
Haha im glad I made you laugh. What was even funnier is I had only just got in the bath so I put it to an insta vote. To stay or get out of the bath. We voted stay as who wants to waste that much water. So i just hid the popcorn under the bubbles and literally soaked in the popcorn for an hour. I had no clue of the residue until went to dry myself and realised I was a giant wet popcorn kernal lol.
1st. LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2nd. Grab your phone and TALK into it about how you want your novel to end so you don't forget........ cuz you will..........and that has you worried.........you know the feeling when you are IN something how you know the voices and everything!! this way you will stop worrying about forgetting....as you will have YOUR tone and idea's on tape :D to be used when you need it.......
3rd. I'm holding you in a HUGE HUG and sending many, many happy thoughts your way!!!!!!!
4th. You are HUMAN and humans doubt themselves when things are going to well......you know that and so do I..........
5th. I look UP to you and in doing so that means your very wonderful no matter how you are feeling and I'm SURE there are other's that feel that way too.
6th I LOVE your honesty
7th. we are back to I love you!! hugs
Thank you Snook, you are amazing, encouraging and just so damn uplifting. You have a gift! :) I don't know how I want to end this story, I tend to always write like I'm just doing a freewrite. Even with long novel length stories. The stories only come out while I'm writing... BUT I think that my issue this time is that I got sick and had too much time to think about it when I was too sick to actually write and all of the thoughts on how the story SHOULD go actually tripped me up!
I did take the advice to just walk away from it all for a bit. I spent the evening in a nice bath reading a book that was completely different and nothing like what I'm writing just to get my brain off of all things writing, all things internet, etc. It was nice. So we'll see how today goes, but I'm still not going to think about pressuring myself to write anything other than maybe a freewrite or something if I feel inspired. The freewrites are what got me started writing again... maybe I just haven't been doing enough of them lately!
hugs thank you for everything you just said!!
I tagged you in a post I resteemed as it talks about......something you might want to do, maybe? it will help? but it's worth reading......yesssssssssssss I'm going to read it too LOLLL and maybe try it.......
Oh man I can just feel your pain and frustration in this post and stop being so hard on yourself. You wrote this didn't you? A calming bath sounds like a good plan, I do that too. Hope you feel a bit better after that and I'm sending you lots of positive vibes. You'll get through this 😀.
I did write this. You're right. I'm not sure if it's even cohesive, but finally out of pure frustration decided that even if the only thing I wrote all day was venting about not being able to write... then that was okay. :) Thank you for the comment. I did have a nice relaxing bath with a paperback and slept hard all night. Hopefully today will be better.
Im sure it will be and maybe you just needed a good nights rest and some bubble bath 😀.
Exercise is my secret stress relief. Yoga and biking with daily warm baths. Take a break as you have a lot of material in the wings. Pamper yourself, something we tend to forget to do as single parents (raised my daughter on my own since she was one year old).
Hope that may be a few ideas to help.
I wish I could exercise at the moment, but I'm still recovering from being sick, which means I'm still at the pathetic rate that loading the dishwasher wears me out! I'll be back to it soon, though!!!
I can't imagine being a single parent. I was a single mom with my first child for 2 1/2 years and I was not a good mom at that point. You are a strong person!
I did take the advice of a nice warm bath, though. I unplugged for the night and just read a paperback and then slept. I feel better this morning and I really appreciate the support. Thank you <3