Anyone Grieving And Realize All The Advice Is Shit?
I try not to post too much personal stuff on Facebook because it's such a fake platform and people use it as a popularity contest. So, since I'm here on Steemit I just wanted to offer my story & my views on the whole business of grief. I guess I kind of hope that some people will be able to relate to me and send me some replies.
Unfortunately, I've had to say goodbye to three very important family members in my life. One of which was my father, who died at the age of 61. I was a caregiver for all three of them while they struggled with illness & disease. Whatever the reason...fate, genetics, poor dieting, ineffective treatments, etc....it doesn't really matter and I won't go into that aspect of it. When someone dies...most people are well-meaning and they'll try to assist you during hard times. Some people are selfish pricks and that sucks too. But of all the advice from family, friends & religious leaders... the books from various authors, the step by step programs, the grief therapy offered by groups...it's all bullshit. I'm sorry to say that. Some of it does help...mildly...but largely it's all bullshit because in the USA we're so terrified of death that we don't know how to deal with it. We push it to the side and avoid it just like sending our old people to homes when we don't want to deal with them anymore.
There's only one thing that truly helps when someone close to you dies. And that is time. You can go through the stages of shock, depression, anger and disbelief. You can make yourself charts and set goals to alleviate your fluctuating emotions....but the bottom line is that someone that you loved is gone and will never return again in this life. Even if you're super spiritual and believe in the unseen realms of the dreamworld, prayer, faith or contacting spirits....it doesn't matter. That physical presence. The ability to speak with, and hang out with and form future memories with someone you love...is not possible anymore.
Time flies. Time passes you by and slowly you start to forget. You forget the pain of missing them because life is busy. You become preoccupied. As each year goes by you forget about it more and more. But it always comes back around. You'll see an old photo or hear a song and it'll hit you. You'll always love them. You'll always miss them. You'll always wish for what could have been. You'll always long for just one more day with them. And if you say, 'that's just depression talking', 'you can't think like that', 'you must move on properly'.....bullshit. There's no proper way to move on from death. You can't avoid it and delude yourself that it's a passing thing like having a cold. And you can't just put yourself back together and be exactly who you were. You have to move forward and make it work somehow...as a new person.
My Father didn't get to see me turn 30. I will never get to call him up and tell him I'm getting married. Or having a kid. Or even...something small like getting a new job. I'll never hug my Grandma again. I'll never watch Austrian movies with my Great Aunt again. And that sucks.
I know I'll see my father again one day, along with other loved ones, in whatever life exists after this one. I'm not looking for pity. I'm a fairly private person and I like to work out my problems on my own when possible. It's been several years and I've already gone through the hard times. And I know that a lot of people have had hard times as well so I don't invalidate them nor myself. But since this is a community....I figured I'd just give it a shot to see how many like minds there are regarding this issue.
If you've dealt with death like I have. Your family members. Your friends. Whoever. Listen to well meaning people. Read the books. Do your best to move forward. But know that....it's ok to still be sad about it. It'll be ok to be sad about it forever. And it's ok to figure it out on your own and find out what works for you. That's just life. That's a part of life that all too often we avoid. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. You just gotta move on, take those bouts of sadness when they come, hold on to those good memories and do the best that you can.
And hey....I'm a goofball so....at least I've still got humor.
Thanks for reading.
-Joe
Amazing post dude. I am dealing with my older father, he's old (63) suffered a stroke when I was like 1 years old, and in general wasn't the most perfect guy in his life from what I know. For instance, he was born in Philly Pennsylvania in 1954..100% sicilian..he knows quite a few people.
And Facebook really is a popularity contest, although that applies to almost any social media platform these days imo.
I never grew up around much of my family, as my Dad moved on from his past, divorced my mom, and became a union electrician and was always on the road making money.
My Mom was diagnosed with Manic depression (maybe because of my Dad, I wouldn't blaim her.)
There were tons of times in my life where things never went right, starting from like two years old. Sometimes I became extremely frustrated and angry at my life.
Im still out here trying to help my Dad instead of telling him he needs to go to a home. I have enough reasons to really legitimately hate him, but he is my Father and I gotta be the better one in this relationship.
I never really had real love from him, like when I was in 4th grade he was telling me to tell my mother God will shit on her grave, yet he's "very religious." What kind of a religious person says that shit?
Anyway, Im here for him no matter what, even though I really shouldn't be.
His Father used to beat him and stuff from what I know, plus the stroke, so I tend to keep that in my mind when I think about how he's treated my whole family.
Yeah, that's a tough situation but I think you're doing the right thing by showing him respect. My father and I didn't have a perfect relationship...there were some bad times. But ya know....while I was taking care of him in the end. That stuff kinda just went away and we became better friends. Each situation is different and yeah...seems like you went through some shitty times. He's your dad and you're his son after all. Even if he doesn't know how to say it...I'm sure he appreciates that you're there for him. Stay strong.
I wish my upvote was worth more right now, because this post deserves more.
What you wrote here is really the truth about loosing a loved one. My dad was 55 when he died of service connected cancer. That was in 1984. I still think about him when certain things come up. My mom died in 1993 at the age of 62. Certain things will still make me get tears about that. But, life continues and we get past those events in our own time. Life is not quite the same after that kind of loss, but why would someone expect it to be.
Upvoted and resteemed.
Thank you. I'm not out for upvotes. I don't even really know how this whole cryptocurrency thing works yet anyway. It's only my second day. Life is never the same....you're older than I am but...I think lots of people I talked to and books I read kind of expected me to just move on completely as if it was something I could get over. It's a shitty philosophy and is disrespectful to those that gave us life I think.
I agree with you on that.
sorry for your loss, you have a great outlook on life, hang on to that!
Thank you.
I wish I had seen this post sooner, there is a lot I could have told you - and an upvote would have been in order, along with a resteem. I've had people close to me die from old-age, illness, murder, and causes I still have not found out because I was not there and no one can tell me what happened. Death happens to every living thing, and when it comes, we always try to deny the reality of the situation. Grieving is something you have to do alone. No one can help you, and the self-help people are pedaling moonshine.