Jesus smoked crack and so should you. Everyone knows that so there's no point in reading more. Just buy my crack!

Hello Wonderful Steemit Community!

^{My name is Mitt Monarchy and I just finished doing yoga, plus, I love you!}

Phew! I'm pooped!

I never used to work out. As a matter of fact, I used to be a lazy performer and a useless starving artist.

Here's me from many years ago. Keep in mind, I've changed my appearance over the years and have aged a bit, but I'm sure you can still see the resemblance.

*Video removed_{I'm so happy I still have my beautiful hair!}^{Mother used to condition it for me every night!}

These days I have to stay in shape and be in peak performance mode at all times. Nobody wants to buy medicine from a slob!

Yoga and supplements I buy from random offers I receive in my email weren't cutting it though. Some of those dick pills actually did more harm than good! Can you believe that! Why would they sell something that makes it turn purple! Jeez...

Then I read the bible and found out about crack cocaine!

^{That's right!}

Jesus sent me to teach you all about crack and it's many health benefits.

Did you know: Some people have reported seeing Jesus in the mirror as they brushed what's left of their teeth thirty minutes after smoking crack and reading the bible? It's true! It's true that someone said that!

Here's a random testimonial from a guy named John from the internet:

I used to live a boring life. I had a stupid job, a wife who always made me do things, and kids that never knew how to shut up. Ever since I purchased some of Mitt Monarchy's amazing crack cocaine, my life has been perfect! Jesus and I just hang out in the park all day. No need for a job. People drop money on us! A gift from heaven and all thanks to Mitt Monarchy. I can't wait to tiptoe through his tulips again tonight to score some of that sweet, sweet crack cocaine!

Mitt Monarchy Crack Cocaine!

^{Get yours today!}

First, we "hire" men who are willing to work for free on our coca plantations. That's right! Beautiful volunteers with hearts of gold and souls sent here directly from heaven to pick the leaves with their silky smooth hands designed by God himself.

Then, we bless the leaves with gasoline we watered down with pure, organic, Non-GMO biofuel!

Later, once we've extracted the medicine and converted it into powder form with the help of bible verses, we ship it to our boy in Florida using real life sailboats! We care about the environment more than anyone else!

Our boy only uses the best baking soda sourced from local farmer's markets and gets to work in our five star kitchen! He then packages up the finished product in plastic bags produced from recycled materials found in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch!

Our product is 100% organic, vegan friendly and nearly every other fad in existence!

I say 'ours' because it's impossible to do this all by myself. Thanks Jesus!

So what are you waiting for? If you want a boost of energy, money falling from the sky, and people actually offering you loads of cash just to have sex with you because you're so amazing standing out there on the streets like that...

Buy crack now!

Credits:_{Youtube video linked to source. All images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "Always trust your local snake oil salesman!"}

^{© 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.}