One of your teachers needs to learn a lesson.

in #funny7 years ago

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who could teach all of you a thing or two, has informed me that one of your inhabitants has sent yet another transmission filled with fake news.



Guess whose skeleton is hanging behind me.

This time, the culprit is @alvinauh. He sent a transmission filled with facts that would lead one to believe I was not the greatest being who has ever lived. Therefore, these facts must be fabricated.

At least this time, the spreader of information intended to reveal the truth about me had the wisdom to request that "if you are reading this and find a mistake, do let me know."

You better grab a seat @alvinauh. I'm about to let you know about your many mistakes.

These mistakes are found between these words, "I... you." The 846 words in-between are all clearly fabrications and distortions of the real facts. You know, the ones that make me look awesome!



Here are just a few of the most egregious fallacies.

Actually, your title gave away the fact that this was going to be a biased, false, disgusting hit piece against me. "Stopping Anakin from becoming Darth Vader"? Why the hell would anyone want to do that. I am freaking amazing. I am the smartest, strongest, most powerful, and most attractive being who has ever lived. Do you even remember that whiny, mamby-pamby little sand rat?

Allow me to remind you.





Let me ask you this, did you make it through that entire transmission? That was 4 of your minutes long. Could you imagine spending an entire day with that boy made of wood? No. You couldn't. You would freaking kill yourself after 28 minutes. Now imagine being that Pinocchio wannabe. Being burned by lava was more pleasant than living as that loser.

You might think, "Oh he was just a youngling. He was just going through a phase." But let me remind you how freaking annoying that moron Anakin was right up until I took over and became amazing.





See? Even more annoying. And you think that transformation should have been stopped? You wanted more of that idiot?

Before I continue, I find it very interesting that you wrote, "crippling that particular student". I sense this was a veiled insult. But more on that later.

The section titled "Addressing a Need" was truly deplorable. Although you are correct that Obi Wan didn't understand my needs, you totally minimized just how horrible this was. I needed for my teacher not to try and steal my wife. I needed my teacher not to cut off my legs. I needed my teacher to not leave me to die in a lake of lava. I needed my teacher not to kidnap my children. Yeah really great role model for teachers there.

And that is the person you thought I should trust? That crooked Kenobi is the worst and biggest loser of all time! Why is everybody looking at me? What have I ever done wrong? Why aren't people investigating him?



Next, let's just put an end to this huge fallacy right now.

The Dark Side does not have cookies!


Stop asking me for cookies all the time. We have Wookies... enslaved Wookies, but no cookies.

In addition, the disgusting, short, fat, wrinkly old bag old puss The Emperor didn't "nudge" me toward the Dark Side. I joined the Dark Side because it is freaking awesome! When you are part of the Dark Side, you get to lie, bully, disrespect any group you like, grab females anywhere you like, try to instigate wars, not pay contractors, hire your family for jobs they aren't remotely qualified for, have the Empire pay for as many vacations as you like... and then there are the cookies.

What? I never said there were no cookies? I don't know what you are talking about. More lies!

Ok. I have to say, @alvinauh did get one thing right. He is correct that no one should ever "be a Windu". At times, Mace appears to be made of glass. He's always complaining about snakes being on vehicles and he tells younglings to "Go the F*** to sleep" all the time. He's a huge loser.

You also made me laugh with this one, "Master Windu decided to take matters into his own hands".



His own hands... I see what you did there.

But blaming me for his death? Come on. I only cut off his hand. Then the Emperor knocked Windu out of a window. So really, Sith don't kill people, gravity kills people.

Then, you referred to me as "murderous". Murderous? Seriously? I'm a freaking hero! I kill terrorists who attack our well established and rightful government. Is it murder to kill the people who destroy a space station filled with innocent contractors? Of course not. They build statues commemorating these types of heroes.

I am still confused by your statement that I, "still did the right thing at the end". What are you talking about? I know we are on a non-linear timeline but I seriously have no idea what you mean. I am assuming you mean I did the right thing when I annexed your planet for the Empire, enslaved all the morons, and rewarded my loyal followers on the steemit.com platform, but it is hard to tell.

Don't spoil it. I can't wait to find out!

Anybody seen Yoda?
Fact
Hero?
Lend me a hand?

Sort:  

Thank you, My Lord.

I went to read @alvinauh post, and I upvoted it.

I am glad that you rewarded the source material. It is important that your people see that. Here. Have this as a reward.

Nice post! What will happening, if someone resteem your post?

Nothing, because 1) it is not my post, it is @lordvader's and 2) the 7 days for reward have already passed.

Wookies Not Cookies!

--

Campaign poster for your election run right there.

I like how you have the workers set up as contractors, pretty sharp from a taxation is theft POV.

Stormtroopers on that program too m'Lord?

Have a good week!!!

Stormtroopers don't normally last long enough to collect a salary.

When you are part of the Dark Side, you get to lie, bully, disrespect any group you like, grab females anywhere you like, try to instigate wars, not pay contractors, hire your family for jobs they aren't remotely qualified for, have the Empire pay for as many vacations as you like... and then there are the cookies.

the question is:

when will trump try and build his own clone army??

he is clearly trying to copy the dark lord but will he really cut it on the dark side???

I am not sure who you are referring to, but it seems like clones of this being would be the worst thing in the history of time.

Then, you referred to me as "murderous". Murderous? Seriously? I'm a freaking hero! I kill terrorists who attack our well established and rightful government.

Out of curiosity, Lord Vader, were all those younglings really that great a threat? A truly evil person would have taken all of those children and trained them as dark side acolytes.
Ah, but there was that darned "rule of two" that sith work under.
But still, could you just imagine having over a hundred little sith running around. They would have worshiped you more than your own two kids did.

Actually... this is why we don't have cookies.

That also explains why we have no younglings.

Just an FYI!

darksidecorp.jpg

That's pretty good LOL

Wow this surprises me. When you are part of the White Side, we create kindness;)

This is the kind of content that keeps the community alive! Great post, will follow.

You are correct. I am keeping the community alive. For now.

That such a pathetic turd could grow up to be so awesome gives hope to myse...uh, all the pathetic losers out there. 😩

Oh Lord Vader!! I'm seeing to many forces of the wrong side trying to sabotage you!! It's always the problem when you have so much power. They envy you, they hate you, even when they say "Im a good fellow" I'm happy you can manage all the problems with subtile but strong hand!! I send you for you relax, some of my best wines, and of course my maenads' chants to please yor ears!! My friend, receive my olympic hug!! Happy libations and dances!!! Evoé!!

You and I should party together sometime. You remind me of this guy Dionysus I know.

Oh Lord Vader!! It's precisely me!!! I'm Dionysos, but I found some false gods here who stolen my name!! Father Zeus is taking care of them!! I'll be glad to visit you on your Death Star to chat and share a good wine!! Happy dances and loves, my Lord!!

Can you bring some Funyuns?

Your wishes, my command!! I will also bring some of my finest maenads and river nymphs to please you, if you like!! ;)

So the botched sequels were a deliberate ruse by Vader to make him look superior compared to his former self Anakin? Now it all makes sense...

That is what this guy claims...

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