It is Time for Me to Teach You All a Lesson... About Non-linear Timelines

in funny •  2 years ago 

Greetings loyal followers.

I have just received some responses to the most recent transmission you received. Some of the inhabitants of your planet seem to be confused by the seemingly nonlinear timeline of my transmissions.

There was supposed to be an image of the space-time continuum here.
Which one of you clowns changed my slide?

I assure you that this is your system's fault. Not the Empire's.

Although Dennis, the Empire's IT guy, is only slightly more competent than most of the dimwits I deal with on a daily basis, he has perfected the process of transmitting my messages from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

The flaw is on your end. Apparently there is something wrong with your receiver. The main problem is that it was built by your primitive engineers.

When I arrive, I will fix that... along with all of your wagons.

I realize that many of you are still very confused concerning exactly from when and where I am sending these transmissions.

Apparently this "hint" was still a little too confusing for your people.

Only if this could have told you that I was located not only in the past, but also a distant place.

My executive assistant Vera, who is the brightest bulb in the box, has informed me that your simple inhabitants require catchy songs and visuals in order to master any knowledge. She based this claim on the following evidence.

By the way Interplant Janet made it to my galaxy. She is not as innocent as she appears.

Seriously? Your kind requires a cute little ditty to remember the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution?


Since I cannot simply super charge your ability to master new information, I will meet you at your ridiculously low level.

Hopefully this catchy little number will help you to understand why my transmissions do not follow a linear timeline.

All of you should be on the lookout for other educational videos in preparation for the arrival of the Empire (Unless you have already received them. It is incredibly difficult dealing with your rudimentary technology).

They should appeal to your unsophisticated population.

The first one will teach you how to properly grovel at the feet of a Sith Lord.

Greatest teacher ever
Confusing description of my location and time
Basis of your educational system
Empire's attempt to educate your primitive inhabitants

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  


Some of us understand non-linear time.

Yes. I recall you attempting to explain the fluidity of the timeline. I appreciate your efforts. Your loyalty to the Empire shall not be forgotten.

Unsophisticated population - I blame those iPhones! - Could you use your tractor beam on the Death Star to withdraw them all from earth so people can use their bloody brains again! Thanks mate.

Oh so those have arrived. Those were sent by the Empire to begin the mind erasing.

Well please come and tractor beam these f- wits, as they are ready for collection at Collection Point V - V for Vader's zombies!!

100 posts, phatty bud in the pipe and I find this? Totally gotta approve and give my upvotes. Trade you some flowers to learn the force choke? [email protected] love that, and smiley face.

@ganjafarmer st1d!

Awesome I will tweet this out shortly:)

Edit: here it is:

Thank you for your continued support of the Empire.

You are always welcome :)

Soul_Eater_43 The Cryptofiend tweeted @ 09 Apr 2017 - 18:48 UTC

New @lordvader post: It is Time for Me to Teach You All a Lesson... About Non-linear Timelines — @Steemit… /


Disclaimer: I am just a bot trying to be helpful.

You crack me up dude! Keep up the good work.

I too find your planet's lack of technology extremely amusing.

It's all just timey wimey. Sounds like you need a Doctor

As long as its not this one

This is the before picture. In the after picture, he has 50% fewer hands.

He keeps that other one in a jar

Excellent! Could you start with this one?


You have to start somewhere. But I assure you, I will fix all of your wagons!!!!

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

A fun scout song that goes back and forth throughout camp> each group sings louder...
" You can't have my little red wagon! The back wheel is off and the axle is dragging! "

It's a rather epic song! Very funny to see those who have never been to camp have no idea why this song is being chanted in the woods. Or across the mess haul as folks prepare to eat.

It is young ones expressing them selves in a metaphoric state, causing fear and confusion. Kind of skills of the Dark Lord of the Sith. Very funny to see adult engineers have no idea why the song is being sung or yelled, but excited buy the enthusiasm it brings people.

Or the better plot is to divide your forces in two and sit at opposite ends of the mess hall. One side same team yells, "you can't have my little red wagon!!" the other team stands and shakes their fist like they are mad and yells, " the back wheel is off and the axle is dragging".

If done proper before you know it other groups on the sides of the room join in and those who started the uproar sit back and watch the earthquake they created. It is always fun to make a mess hall shake with a roar prior to feeding time.

I hope you enjoyed this story of the little red wagon. A close guard secret, now out to the world. How did I do for my first writing?

Thank you for your loyalty and for bringing this to my attention. It will be dealt with I assure you.