HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE XVIII: NOW HIRING

in funny •  3 months ago

Greetings loyal followers.



Do you have what it takes to become my apprentice? Probably not.

My executive assistant Vera, who will never have to look for another job as long as I am the most powerful being in any universe (so basically forever), has informed me that many of your planet's wonderful, brilliant, tremendous inhabitants who constantly say great things about me, are interested in working for The Empire.

The new False Intelligence narrative is that there is CHAOS in the Death Star. Wrong! Beings will always come & go, and I want strong dialogue before making a final decision. I still have some beings that I want to change (always seeking perfection). There is no Chaos, only great Energy and Force!

But yes, I am looking to replace some wacky, deranged, vicious, lowlifes who were terminated from employment... and breathing.




In addition to a warning, this should help explain what I am looking for in a candidate: male and non-alien.

It is no surprise that so many inhabitants from your primitive planet wish to join my staff. So many beings want a piece of that rounded, elongated bridge of the Death Star. They want a piece of the Port S-Foil. So many beings want to come in [to the Death Star]. I have a choice of anybody. I can take any position in the Death Star and I’ll have a choice of the 10 top beings.

As a result, I will only hire the best beings.

Are you one?

Probably not.

There is no need to have the audacity to hope for such a position within the Empire. Just look at one of the best beings I have already hired. Do you really think you have what it takes to compete with this type of incredible being who says nice things about me all the time?

After reopening Vader Academy, I needed to find to find someone to ensure that training within the Empire would be returned to greatness. (Although to be honest, I don't know why we need to train anyone. I love the un-trained!) Anyway, thanks to the non-linear timeline on which I now operate, I was able to select this brilliant and passionate training advocate.





Under his leadership, we will reform the Imperial training system and break the bureaucracy that is holding our younglings back so that we can deliver galaxy-class education and training choice to all families.

Even though I was required to hire this being as part of the Emperor's "Operation Window dressing", which requires the Empire to employ at least one inhabitant from one of the many bantha fodder systems, it has turned out very well for the Empire.

He is a huge advocate for making sure there are many blasters in the training facilities. When someone questioned this policy, he shot down the enemy of the Empire by saying, "I will refer back to Senator N-Z and the training facility he was talking about on Tatooine. I think probably there, I would imagine that there is probably a blaster in the schools to protect from potential Womp rats."

He also championed those pioneers who were forced chose to start training facilities for aliens due to the fact that the Empire refused to provide training for non-humanoids. He explained that they are living proof that when more options are provided to younglings, they are afforded greater access and greater quality. When your iron-fisted dictatorship refuses to provide training, simply choose to provide it yourself. BRILLIANT!




Mesa finishi day onesy. Where mesa get pencil?

Now some may not recognize the brilliance I demonstrated by hiring this being, but they are stupid, moronic losers so you should not listen to their “facts”. I mean look at that guy. He’s brilliant! A real deep thinker. And he says wonderful things about me. Although it is true that he has never received any training, has never seen a training facility, does not understand what happens in training facilities, cannot count to 10, does not speak proper basic, does not believe aliens should be trained, and gets his tongue stuck in everything, he is still a wonderful employee. Just recently when 40% of the inhabitants of the Empire reported they fully support all that I do, he said, “Just knowing that well more than half the galaxy is with him gives us a great sense of confidence moving forward.” What a great guy!

I doubt any of you can ever live up to that level of competence, qualificationness and greatness. But if you are so bold to try, here is the job posting that I made available for all of you on something called "monster.com". That seems like a very appropriate place to post something that would result in anyone choosing to work for me.



Screen Shot 2018-08-15 at 3.26.55 PM.png
Screen Shot 2018-08-15 at 3.27.17 PM.png
Screen Shot 2018-08-15 at 3.27.33 PM.png


If you are interested in a position with The Empire, apply here.

But don't hold your breath.

It doesn't help.

Just ask this loser.




He told the truth. Big mistake.

I want you... to become the next one I terminate.
My type of guys
Highly qualified to say nice things about me
Meesa need pencil
Honesty is the best policy

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If you have not seen this video by Eddie Izzard, please do yourself a favour and watch this 3 minute stand-up comedy routine.

"No I will not need a tray!"

Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen

well, maybe try this guy,

I made a feeble attempt to put you together in a photo to see if he would be a suitable lackey. He has served in a similar position before but never for someone as asteemed and worthy as yourself...

he even has his own cape (not as long as yours of course) and a small mask, *(not as magnificent as yours either) *and even some kind of home made uniform
he also had a very simple human name: Robin (but you can of course feel free to call him whatever you want)

Screen Shot 2018-08-16 at 11.49.04.png

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Does he have his own pants? Pants may be required for this position.

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Does he have his own
Pants? Pants may be required
For this position.

                 - lordvader


I'm a bot. I detect haiku.

This job popped up on my recent job search. I was looking at alternative lifestyles and here it was. A chance to start something where I could turn my brain off and just ride in cruise. I really have no skills to offer other than I will high five all your good, bad and ugly decisions. When asked about the about anything EMPIRE related I will simply respond with a talk to the hand and a quick throat cut sign. I could be the face of the franchise without even having to do a thing. I think that is the kind of person you are looking for. This gives you an easy scapegoat and a built-in excuse for all the dumb I mean brilliant things you accomplish. If you deem me worthy of this position, feel free to hit me up on Linkedin. I don't really have an account there but it seems like the right thing to say in this situation.

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You seem to understand the requirements of this position quite well. Your willingness to take the initiative and volunteer to be my scapegoat has pleased me. Here. You have earned this.



Seems your internet connection is not up to much. So much for the might empire. Want to borrow my 14k4 modem?

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Dennis sucks. He would not know how to install anything more complicated.

Dont have a blaster but have 2x BB droids ready for action for 4m steem ;)

Please consider my application o' dear lord.

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Do you have any special skills?

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Well, I won three parkour tournaments despite weighing 130 KGs, I was the first man to say that Trump would win the elections, and the guy who popularized the use of Shisha (Hookah) made of fruits to the world.

11Cosby.jpg

So basically my skill is I'm a very good liar on text. But I do write unnecessarily long posts about Porn, Self driven cars, and Chivalry.
Plus I'm good at self plugging. But mainly I'm an Iraqi living in Iraq, so I can be a valuable asset if you're looking for someone to blow up something. Plus I'm poor, so I'm useful if you're looking for someone to just blow something.

Nice to see you back posting. :)

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Between the non-linear timeline we are on and the fact that the Empire's IT guy Dennis is a complete moron, it can sometimes seem I have been gone away longer than I really have.

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don't leave vader i'm new and someone have to teach me about the dark side !

A contrarian would suggest that perhaps you should hire a dark alien rather than a non-alien male like everyone else you've hired. Don't give her any real work (since we know you make the decisions yourself that make the empire great, which include making life much less great for alien immigrants). But bring her in for a handful of photo ops and then give her a cubicle in that garbage compactor, perhaps?

I can refer a candidate who might fit the bill. She's also a billionaire in her own right, since I know that gets your attention.

Oprah.jpg

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I realize the inhabitants of your planet are quite primitive but I had assumed you had at least mastered the art of reading.

I made it quite clear that I was only looking for people who could never possibly look smarter than I am. I know who this loser is. She is an actual successful self-made billionaire who can prove her worth. Proving that you haven't lost all of your money is such a loser move. In addition, I have actually seen this being help other inhabitants of your planet. Why would anyone do that when they could simply step on them on their way to greatness. Has she ever said anything nice about me? No? Well then she is a wacky lowlife and I want to puke just looking at her. Rumor has it she also believes in common decency so that is strike 4 right there. Nice try.

Oh and by the way, those aliens who were treated so inhumanely (BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT EVEN HUMAN! ) were only treated badly because of policies set up by the Rebellion. I would never do anything to harm younglings whether alien or decent humanoids. I was just enforcing those policies as the Rebellion clearly intended them to be enforced. Those Rebels want to just give the galaxy away to aliens. Everyone knows aliens should only be allowed in in order to work at my various projects.

Oh now I know why you would make such stupid comments. You are that inhabitant who got all excited about roadmaps a long time ago. You make the great pod racer Sebulba seem smart, which isn't easy to do. I like Gasgano!

I hope you can feel this you loser!


Excellent post thanks for sharing........./

Very well written sir.

Hire Omarosa my Dark Lord of the Sith. She is Jar Jar in humanoid form and she recently became unemployed. She would be a great gire to the Empire.

Hehe....this post cracked me up....I'm interested in the job offer.

Jarjar Binks reminds me of Whoopie Goldberg.
There I said it.

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haha yes!

How can I serve, master @lordvader?