Chivalry is Dead - Comedy Open Mic Round 26 Entry 1

in comedyopenmic •  7 months ago

Think of a male's life as auditioning for America's got talent where they showcase their talents and abilities to a panel of female judges hoping to be picked. This would easily explain my life so far.


Women overall have almost an unchallenged ability to pick their partner. All men do is flex, make money, buy cars and jewelry, and bend over backward just to be picked by women. Women are jury, judge and prosecutor of life, and rightfully so as they only have 300–500 fertile eggs per one female. Unlike Mr. Balls here, destroyer of worlds and killer of creatures. Males produce over 200 MILLION sperm cells per ejaculation, like wow no way, a male's penis turns into a fully healthy grown dragon when it comes to semen. All it takes is one dracarys and boom

Therefore, sperm cells are pretty cheap and obviously easily manufactured; just check how many tissue boxes you've gone through this week. What? Just me? As per the Darwin-Bateman paradigm, those with limited resources and invest the biggest amount of effort have the ability to be the deciders. So throughout history, women would just sit down and look, asking "who has the best genes?" and "who can protect me and protect my genes and protect the baby that would carry my genes?" because after all it is an investment as whoever the woman picks will be producing 50% of the baby's genes. So whoever has bad genes will affect the continuation of her genes. That is the reason why we see those "gold diggers" prank videos depicting women as money eyed creatures.

Despite the legitimacy of those "pranks", they do showcase some real take on women, and no it's not that women are greedy but the fact is if you were to start a family where you will be the half who goes through a painful pregnancy and being the one more likely to stop working so you stay at home you do have the right to pick the best candidate to do their part of providing safety (physical and financial) for you, and biology grants you the ability to do so as well. If we take into consideration the amount of work women put into starting a family why should they settle for hippie fat George who quit second year of university because he didn't have "safe space"?

People love to take those "gold diggers" concept and claim it to be the reason chivalry is dead. However, the death of chivalry or more precisely how it became less likely to exist didn't occur because of that, as history shows us women have always been that way and men have always been okay with that. Which is why men open doors, pull out chairs, and pay bills because it's how things should be and continue to be. But the death of chivalry falls on both sides really. However, a bunch of easily triggered red haired women with glasses have decided and written thousands upon thousands of blogs saying why that's bad. "Men and Women are the same" have become the verdict and doing all the chivalry-related stuff has become a bad thing suddenly, it's now linked to being only a tool for sex and manipulation. Men are stupid when it comes to dealing with women, that's just a fact. Just show a man 2 pairs of shoes and ask him what pair of shoes you should buy and he won't know what to say. Ask him which Rocky movie is the best and he'll give you a 3 hours speech as his answer. And with the death of chivalry men have little to offer on a date. Honestly, how would you know the way you'd be treated during a relationship or marriage if he doesn't open the door, pull out a chair and asks for separate checks? He already seems like an asshole just from description. What do women gain from such dates, and if we add the fact that you had to take a cab to the restaurant because he didn't pick you up? You just lost 70 dollars just to hear Chad talk about why the eagles are the best in the world and you don't even know if he means the animals or a team, or even if you knew they were a team you wouldn't know what bloody sport they play.

Female movements have contributed to the death of chivalry, crazy feminists calling men rapists on the daily and some even describing their sons as rapists. This has also caused women's expectations to be lower, women are just better people than men in many, I'd say more aspects of life, they'rekinder, more caring, and typically much more respectful. But there's a movement that drove women to wanting to drag themselves down to men's level, and let me tell you, men ain't that great. We fart in public, scream like idiots, and we wear shirts with other men's names on the back. But men would always fix themselves up for a woman and that's the way it should be in my opinion. If women start thinking and gallivanting like men, who is going to be the responsible one then? Just compare a man's room to a woman's room and you'll see what I mean. A woman's room is tidy and clean, where a man's room has about 13 families of cockroaches in them. And most of those cockroaches are showing up to clean it. Simply put; Men would die in their own filth if it wasn't for women.
The drop of expectations left good women with having to settle for the Peter Griffins of the world. That drop is the reason I'm able to find a woman every now and then and I'm just dick. Just within a month I've written the word blowjob like 378 times. Honestly, I believe women can find better males in animals than humans these days. I know that seems like a stretch but let's have a legit look and let you queens decide. Men's greatest idea of romance these days is showing up with a red teddy bear. Not even a real bear that you could eat, no, just a toy and a bunch of flowers that would die within a week. That's our best ideas yet.
Let's take a look at what dung beetles do for their loved ones for example. Just for his beloved queen,a dung would make a great ball of animal feces and and present it for her.

"Ewww" No, come on! Don't make fun of dung beetles, they're presenting their beloved queen with a complete feast of rare nutrition. Not just that, in an amazing cute moment of love, a dung beetle would put his queen on the ball of feces and push her around.


So he pushes her around on a ball feces that's estimated to be at least 250 times his weight just so she plays and has fun. After all of that, they'd sit together facing the moon like the cute couple they are and gaze at the stars. Dung beetles are the only other creatures than human who'd look at the sky to decide their walking path. Alright, women. I feel like you're getting disgusted. But answer me this and be honest, when was the last time your boyfriend presented you with a big ball that he created from others' feces? And when was the last time you rode it as he pushed you around? Never? That's what I thought.

Is your precious Gavin going to build you a house by himself soon? Oh, he cant? A male bowerbird builds a whole house just so the female joins him in it.


Doing his best to impress his queen by how good looking the house is. Sometimes, he'd even use insect wings as decoration so when his woman walks in, the wings would deflect the sunlight to cast a rainbow shadow on his beloved woman. Stacking the house with food and shiny objects just to impress her.

That's romance! Meanwhile your precious Gavin's idea of romance is a blow job in the rain.
Okay, if your design abilities are weak, where's the fun? Human males are a giant boulders when it comes to fun stuff women want to do, like dancing. Men usually don't dance unless they're appearing with Emma Stone in La la land

That's the only documented occurrence of male dancing that I could find.

Manakin birds would go as far as moon walking just to impress women.

That's their normal thing to do. Grebe birds for example; A male proves his loyalty and total dedication to a female when she tests him by making him copy everything she does.

She puts her head underwater and he does the same, then she does it differently and follows through again till the very end when they start running together.

The male keeps copying and doing everything the woman asks him to, meanwhile you can't get Gavin to take off his dirty socks and put them in the dirty clothes basket.

I mean look at what a male cuttlefish do for a female in mating season. When a female chooses her husband he uses his giant body to hide her under it to protect her from other males. Those are the large sized males, now the small one go to amazing lengths for the female as they'd change colors and behavior just so he can mate with the female....... without the knowledge of her husband. In the most tactical cuckolding maneuver among all living creatures.

The original Mr. Steal your girl. The original way of sliding into her DM (Dangerous male).

Okay I'm with you, it's cheating and he's a sleazeball but let's applaud the efforts and distance he's going to be a sleazeball for a woman. Have Zack ever put on make up and a wig and pretended to be one of your gal friends to fuck you behind Gavin's knowledge? That's what I thought.

Some male snakes engage in the literal battle of the sexes. For the sake of the woman he desires, some kind of male snakes would produce the same smell that of a female to attract and seduce other male so they mate with him.
"Wait, what?"

The idea is that snakes are ectothermic, in that they are unlike when it comes to producing heat as they don't produce it from within their body. So when males gather around him he absorbs their heat and with that heat the snake would be much faster to get to his beloved woman. Those are real men, recognize. When was the last time a man ever took a gang bang anal pounding for you?

Also ton continue showing the length of male sacrifices. Let's take a look at the praying mantis insects, where the males get eaten by their female counterpart. "What, I thoughts it's men who eat women" Different kind of eating, literal one. Male mantis would be giving away his life just to mate with the woman only once. As the female mantis would devour him mid-mating.

That's right after he's killed, a mantis's body would continue mating. If there ever was an example of how horny males can be, this would be it. Human males would freak out about the idea of a serious relationship as they don't want to lose social life and stop being cool. Mantis on the other hand not only willing to lose their social life, but their actual life for their lady.

Let's also take a look at the angler fish, where the male is significantly smaller than the female and just so they mate he'd go inside her body whole and become a part of her body for the rest of his life.
Just imagine that for a second, he's giving away the outside world just to be part of his queen's body. It's amazing, especially if we take into consideration that this is what a female angler fish looks
The male angler proves that love and a male's dedication to a woman shouldn't be based on looks.

In summary

The summary here is a bit weird maybe. But throughout history males have always been the sex/gender that needs to impress the most. Everything about a male is mainly created to impress a woman. If we take a reasonable biological look at the world we'd come to the conclusion that men aren't needed as much as women for the continuation of humanity. Think about it, 10 males and 10 females would bring out 10 children to the world in nine months’ time. Meanwhile, 1 male and 10 females would give you the same result. That and one extremely lucky son of a bitch. Women are just much more important to the continuation of humanity than males are. Males barely matter in this case, biologically speaking and not to break your heart, I'm just being honest with you. Or honest with myself to be more precise.So males have always been the gender whose job is to impress.Trying to convince women that he's important for her and the future of her genes. And they simply do that by either building her a place to live in, like the bower bird, or a nutritious meal to eat like a huge ball of feces or himself. Or convince her that her children would look better as per the sexy son hypothesis. Or drawing her a beautiful sand painting like the Japanese puffer fish

Or the greatest thing you could for a woman; resteeming, upvoting, and commenting on this. Taking a look at the sources below and help me nominate/thank @kevinwong who is running for witness and I think people should vote for him. As well as @traf because he still hasn't made a COM entry yet.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10

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Hi amirtheawesome1,

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You are such a romantic guy.. doing all this research to impress us women.. <3


keep your taco in your pants fl!


fck you budha


hahaha best response ever lol

I like the pufferfish sand painting best! I'm grateful that being funny and a little clever is good enough.

Thanks to @anouk.nox, this post was resteemed and highlighted in today's edition of The Daily Sneak.

Thank you for your efforts to create quality content!


Yeah I saw, thank you very much for featuring and I'm glad you liked it.

i would get gang bang raped for or have my head eaten off by the woman i love any day of the week. chivalry is not dead until that happens. i am embedded in the womb and will open the door from the inside.


i love the contrarians, reply to this @amirtheawesome1


I have nothing... Sorry @dj123


the patriarchy had it chance. its time for the matriarchy to make the advance. there are more women than men...time to upend

slow clap... pure genius


Thanks, I try.

After reading this I have come to the conclusion that it is in fact true, men are jerks. Smh

Posted using Partiko Android


They can be

Posted using a shitty laptop.


True, let's not generalize.

Posted using Partiko Android and a shittier phone.

hahaha Chad, Gavin, Zack ... you missed Chip. Chips are always dicks.

The drop of expectations left good women with having to settle down for the Peter Griffins of the world.

I've often wondered what Lois sees in Peter, but your post totally clears that up for me now :)

Do you think men would continue humping with their heads chopped off? Like the mantis I mean? :)


Well, no. But I seriously doubt they'd stop if they knew death is-a-coming.


haha @amirtheawesome1, I seriously doubt it too 😅

This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.

The original way of sliding into her DM (Dangerous male).

Hey don't judge the Angler fishette, that may be the hottest bitch princess in their world you're looking at.

Or the greatest thing you could for a woman; resteeming, upvoting, and commenting on this.

Yeah the thing is, we need a woman for that to work.


I'll identify as one if necessary.


I'll identify as the guy who resteemed, upvoted and commented then.

Brother's very good post


OK that was awesome.... and that gold digger video, so funny.


Glad you liked it. Sorry It takes me a while to reply.