Greetings loyal followers. I apologize that you have not received any transmissions from me lately. I have continued sending them, but I think your inferior technology can not handle the sheer awesomeness of my messages. I have Dennis from the IT department working on the problem. He has created a temporary work around that is allowing me to communicate with you now. If that doesn't work, Vera has volunteered to hand deliver my transmissions to your galaxy (Vera simply is the bee's knees).
Before I begin, please enjoy this word from our sponsor...
Over the past few weeks, I have continued to try and generate revenue to repair the Deathstar. My attempts to remove the scumbags from their rented rooms has run into a snag. Apparently even losers can hire lawyers. I still don't understand why I can't just choke them all... but even I have a boss.
On a completely unrelated note, I would like to announce the grand opening of the Milky Way branch of Vader Academy. As the greatest and most celebrated Sith of all time, I felt it was my duty to share my secret methods for mastering the Dark Side with your galaxy. I just can't keep the information all to myself anymore. In addition to being the smartest, most successful and most attractive Sith Lord ever, I am also the most generous. I am offering all of you a huge opportunity to join this very prestigious and selective academy in order to learn the methods, techniques and strategies that made me the amazing Sith Lord that I am.
With the help of my hand picked instructors, I can turn anyone into a master of the Dark Side... including you!
The training will begin with a 100% free two hour introductory seminar right there on your home world, Earth. What could be more convenient that that? Most people would pay millions of credits to learn my proven Sith strategies, but because I am so amazing, I will give you this seminar for free.
Now you can ask anyone- I don't usually give anything away for free. But I will just for you. That is how much I care about you regular people of Earth.
I have manipulated the force more in a day than most masters do in a lifetime. I am living a life that many machine-men and machine-women only dream about. Now I'm ready to share — with Earthlings like you — the Vader process for mastering the Dark Side in today’s once-in-a-lifetime Midi-chlorian rich world.
Learning to ride the recent tidal wave of Midi-chlorians has never been faster or easier... until now!
I'm going to give you 2 hours of access to one of my amazing instructors AND priceless information... all for free.
10 Strategies you'll learn:
- How to force choke someone
- How to throw random boxes at losers
- How to sense when your son has a sister
- How to make your ex-bestfreind and teacher disappear into thin air
- How to feel someone's presence even when your boss does not
- How to scream Noooooooooo!
- How to hand out promotions
- How to accept apologies
- How to set goals
- How to knit
Not just anyone can be one of my instructors. Here are some examples of our highly trained and expert staff in action:
We have this guy who can open doors...
Some random baby...
A tiny cat...
And of course our head trainer...
But please don't just take my word for it... even though I am so smart, powerful and you should all trust everything I say.
My students master the Force and my instructors get rave reviews:
"My husband and I attended the seminar. Within weeks we were force choking the life out of losers!"
"We can't thank you enough. This workshop has changed our lives! Thanks to you, we found out our son has a sister!"
"Thank you so much Lord Vader. Your instructors were amazing. Now when the barista at Starbucks asks if I want skim milk, I can say 'Noooooooo!'"
"It seemed that everywhere I went, there were always random crates lying around. Now I can use the Force to throw them at people who are different than me."
"I kept running into my old teachers at the most awkward times... not anymore thanks to Vader Academy's proven and effective strategies!"
"As an H.R. Director, I have always struggled with taking someone's job away and giving it to one of his subordinates. Now I know I can just kill them. Thank you so much Lord Vader!"
"The other day, a man accidentally bumped into me with his shopping cart. I accepted his apology with a force choke. I could have never done this without Vader Academy!"
"This was the best use of my time ever. I never thought I could learn to knit! Vader Academy is the best!"
Although I will not be completing your training myself (I am far to important for that) I have been known to drop by these seminars. In fact, I happen to be in your galaxy when this seminar is scheduled. You never know who might show up at one of these terrific events. (I'm winking... but I know you can not tell.)
Posing with a life size cutout is the best you idiots can hope for.
No way is Lord Vader going to get anywhere near you suckers.
Register today for this life changing workshop at Vaderacademy.com or call 888-Vader. You'll learn everything you need to get started on your path to the Dark Side.
If you are not a Sith by December of 2016, you didn't attend my workshop.
Please do not send any of your Earth reporters to this seminar. We all know that reporters are not on the Dark Side and are not sympathetic to the cause. These reporters would try and dupe all of you out of the priceless training my team will provide.
All GIFs from Giphy