HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE X: VADER ACADEMY

in humor •  2 years ago

Greetings loyal followers. I apologize that you have not received any transmissions from me lately. I have continued sending them, but I think your inferior technology can not handle the sheer awesomeness of my messages. I have Dennis from the IT department working on the problem. He has created a temporary work around that is allowing me to communicate with you now. If that doesn't work, Vera has volunteered to hand deliver my transmissions to your galaxy (Vera simply is the bee's knees).

Before I begin, please enjoy this word from our sponsor...



Over the past few weeks, I have continued to try and generate revenue to repair the Deathstar. My attempts to remove the scumbags from their rented rooms has run into a snag. Apparently even losers can hire lawyers. I still don't understand why I can't just choke them all... but even I have a boss.

On a completely unrelated note, I would like to announce the grand opening of the Milky Way branch of Vader Academy. As the greatest and most celebrated Sith of all time, I felt it was my duty to share my secret methods for mastering the Dark Side with your galaxy. I just can't keep the information all to myself anymore. In addition to being the smartest, most successful and most attractive Sith Lord ever, I am also the most generous. I am offering all of you a huge opportunity to join this very prestigious and selective academy in order to learn the methods, techniques and strategies that made me the amazing Sith Lord that I am.



With the help of my hand picked instructors, I can turn anyone into a master of the Dark Side... including you!

The training will begin with a 100% free two hour introductory seminar right there on your home world, Earth. What could be more convenient that that? Most people would pay millions of credits to learn my proven Sith strategies, but because I am so amazing, I will give you this seminar for free.

Now you can ask anyone- I don't usually give anything away for free. But I will just for you. That is how much I care about you regular people of Earth.

I have manipulated the force more in a day than most masters do in a lifetime. I am living a life that many machine-men and machine-women only dream about. Now I'm ready to share — with Earthlings like you — the Vader process for mastering the Dark Side in today’s once-in-a-lifetime Midi-chlorian rich world.



Learning to ride the recent tidal wave of Midi-chlorians has never been faster or easier... until now!

I'm going to give you 2 hours of access to one of my amazing instructors AND priceless information... all for free.

10 Strategies you'll learn:

  1. How to force choke someone
  2. How to throw random boxes at losers
  3. How to sense when your son has a sister
  4. How to make your ex-bestfreind and teacher disappear into thin air
  5. How to feel someone's presence even when your boss does not
  6. How to scream Noooooooooo!
  7. How to hand out promotions
  8. How to accept apologies
  9. How to set goals
  10. How to knit

Not just anyone can be one of my instructors. Here are some examples of our highly trained and expert staff in action:

We have this guy who can open doors...



Some random baby...



A tiny cat...



And of course our head trainer...



But please don't just take my word for it... even though I am so smart, powerful and you should all trust everything I say.

My students master the Force and my instructors get rave reviews:

"My husband and I attended the seminar. Within weeks we were force choking the life out of losers!"

"We can't thank you enough. This workshop has changed our lives! Thanks to you, we found out our son has a sister!"





"Thank you so much Lord Vader. Your instructors were amazing. Now when the barista at Starbucks asks if I want skim milk, I can say 'Noooooooo!'"

"It seemed that everywhere I went, there were always random crates lying around. Now I can use the Force to throw them at people who are different than me."

"I kept running into my old teachers at the most awkward times... not anymore thanks to Vader Academy's proven and effective strategies!"

"As an H.R. Director, I have always struggled with taking someone's job away and giving it to one of his subordinates. Now I know I can just kill them. Thank you so much Lord Vader!"

"The other day, a man accidentally bumped into me with his shopping cart. I accepted his apology with a force choke. I could have never done this without Vader Academy!"







"This was the best use of my time ever. I never thought I could learn to knit! Vader Academy is the best!"











Although I will not be completing your training myself (I am far to important for that) I have been known to drop by these seminars. In fact, I happen to be in your galaxy when this seminar is scheduled. You never know who might show up at one of these terrific events. (I'm winking... but I know you can not tell.)



Posing with a life size cutout is the best you idiots can hope for.
No way is Lord Vader going to get anywhere near you suckers.

Register today for this life changing workshop at Vaderacademy.com or call 888-Vader. You'll learn everything you need to get started on your path to the Dark Side.

If you are not a Sith by December of 2016, you didn't attend my workshop.

Please do not send any of your Earth reporters to this seminar. We all know that reporters are not on the Dark Side and are not sympathetic to the cause. These reporters would try and dupe all of you out of the priceless training my team will provide.

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Thank you for the much needed laugh!

STEEM ON!!

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You are most welcome.

Here. Enjoy this.

I was seriously just thinking about you an hour ago.

I did not realize that you knew how to do counted cross-stitch too.

Looks like we have more in common than I thought.

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Yes Vera thought it would help me with my anger issues. She is partly right. Now when I get angry I can use the force to impale some loser on my knitting needles.

No pics came in on my feed. Worthless earthilig technology. Who could I force choke to fix this?

It's been a while, glad you are still posting!!

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Thank you. I have been incredibly busy.

Wait wrong picture! Dennis!!!!!!

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You truly have a vader pic for every situation. I'm literally in awe of your collection.

I was just looking at your feed yesterday to see if I'd missed any transmissions. Thank you for the update, belly laughs and incredible opportunity to learn knitting.
You might talk to (or choke) your marketing expert. Two main aspects of your pitch are absent

  • Doom and gloom, making your readers fear to do anything BUT attend the training
  • The promise of more being offered after the seminar... you know, the bait and switch where you tell them more will be available, then, while they're still in awe of learning they had a daughter and how to knit, fleece them for as much as you can before giving to them.
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Alas, our marketing efforts only work with Ashla (the Light Side of the force). But we hate to see missed opportunities, even for sith lords. Our purpose statement prohibits us to contract with the dark side.
Please don't tell Vader. He can be sooo touchy about these things. And his minions love claiming discrimination and all that PC nonsense. Sheesh!

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This "bait and switch" thing sounds interesting. I have never heard of that. But I don't have time. Right now I need to get to work on the next phase of the training. It is a premium level of Sith trading which can be yours for the low price of $35,000. The free work shop can only take a person so far. If they want to truly master the Dark Side and get some one on one time with my highly trained instructors, they will need they premium level course. But it will pay for itself.

Очень интересно

One of the few folks on steemit who I read dakmn near every post fully/.

<3 vader

It takes me ages to read your posts, Lord Vader, because the whole time I'm doing the voice and heavy breathing in my head. I've tried to stop but I just can't.