[NSFW] Win a 100% Post Upvote! Tell Me Your Best Adult "Dirty" Joke.

3 months ago
in funny

Hail folks! Sorry for being so damn silent this past week. What I've been working on (and flailed upon frothily) will be revealed in a post some time later this morning after get around to making a few more announcement n getting a witness update for this week done.

The "Rules"

  • Tell the Steemit blogchain your best dirty joke, Under the joke link a post you'd like upvoted 100% by myself and whomever has the most user votes and the one I like the best will both receive 100% upvotes! This contest closes in 9 hours (Noon Central Time).

Going to go get a few things tidied up from today's computer buggery and get some much needed posts n communication up late in the week. My apologies again for being so silent! Been extremely busy. <3


Vote @KLYE for Witness

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Female Doctor : what can I do for you today?
Woman: my husband want intense sex everyday and several times a day. I m very stress. What should I do?
Female Doctor: Just give him my hand phone number.

Lol :p

https://steemit.com/life/@lawrenceho84/2-jokes-for-the-day

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Lol I want the phone no pls

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You can have mine. Jus kidding :p

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

https://steemit.com/memechallenge/@arkadiy/meme-challenge-27-entry-1

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lol

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Congratulations! This post has been upvoted from the communal account, @minnowsupport, by arkadiy from the Minnow Support Project. It's a witness project run by aggroed, ausbitbank, teamsteem, theprophet0, and someguy123. The goal is to help Steemit grow by supporting Minnows and creating a social network. Please find us in the Peace, Abundance, and Liberty Network (PALnet) Discord Channel. It's a completely public and open space to all members of the Steemit community who voluntarily choose to be there.

If you like what we're doing please upvote this comment so we can continue to build the community account that's supporting all members.

One day, Jane's boyfriend was angry with her because all the dish that Jane had prepared was cold and looks not delicious .
SO Jane start to warming up herself by doing some simple sports beside James .

So James asked her what you are doing ?
Jane just answered that "I am warming up myself for you to 'eat'!"
Hope that this joke was dirty enough!
My link here https://steemit.com/investmen/@sweethoney/stocks-are-your-safest-investment-2017729t17202362z

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What do you call an anorexic female with a yeast infection?

A Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

A salesman go out of town for business. After a couple of weeks he comes home and tells his wife about it. "Guess what dear, I earned 4000 dollars by selling 50 mattresses and 30 pairs of panties."

The wife replies "Really, well with just one mattress and no panties I earned twice as much."

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Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

https://steemit.com/photography/@angelgarz/paseo-a-pozo-azul-relato-de-una-aventura-con-muchas-fotos

Biggest dirtiest joke I can think of is KYLE MAX :D

I'm from Croatia. In our country, in jokes man is called Mujo, women Fata.

Mujo was ill and was taken to hospital. Fata went to visit him. When she arrived she told him this:

Fata: 'You won't believe what happen to me on way here. I went by taxi, but half way to hospital realized I forget my wallet. I said to driver 'Let go back, so I can take my wallet'. Driver responded on that 'Don't worry about it, we will make some deal.' One block before hospital he turned into dark street and said to me 'So now, you give me blow job or sing me the most beautiful song!'

Mujo: 'And what did you sing for him?'

Fata: 'Oh my Mujo, how can I be in the mood for singing when you are in the hospital!'

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

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I can't jelly my cock in your ass.. ;)

I heard this one on a FLuffeeTalks video recently:
"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face."
https://steemit.com/social/@hartiverse/amazon-targets-instagram-shopping-with-spark-app

I made a whole parody of Canada poem and even featured you in it and I didn't get a laugh. Clearly you are just an Amerihater.🙁

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger

Q: Why is serving in the army like a b-j?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Why did the condom fly around the room?

Because it got pissed off!

A nun went to her gynecologist for a regular exam.
After a short check the doctor said: Sister, you are pregnant!
Nun: This can't be right? Are you absolutely sure?!
Doctor: Yes ... you are in 4th month!!
Nun was furious and almost runs back to the monastery.
She crashed into the refectory and yells:
WHICH ONE OF YOU WAS JERKING ON THE CANDLES ?!?!?!!

https://steemit.com/story/@poss/how-i-spent-10th-anniversary-with-my-wife-in-ljubljana-slovenia

A wife turns to her husband and says “I just made $500 with my second post on Steemit.”

The man turns to his wife and asks “why didn’t your first post make so much, and how do I join?”

The wife turns off the lights, gets naked with her husband, and puts an Al Gore mask on him and says “oh baby you're already on steemit."

https://steemit.com/minnowsunite/@enjar/is-greed-from-hf19-making-you-miserable

A married couple, the Greens, were having problems in their love life. They went to a therapist who told them that he would perform a free examination. If he was able to help the couple, he would.

The therapist performs hours of examinations and questions. Finally he says,

"Ok, Mr. and Ms. Green. I can help. When you leave here, go to the grocery store and buy a box of donuts and a bunch of grapes. When you get home, take off all of your clothes and sit on opposite sides of the room from each other."

He looks at Ms. Green, "You will take the donuts and try to toss them across the room until you land one on your husband's love muscle, like a carnival game. After that, crawl across the room on your hands and knees and eat the donut without using your hands."

He turns to Mr. Green, "You will take the grapes and try to toss them into your wife's hoohah. Once you get one in there, crawl across the room on your hands and knees and eat the grape without using your hands."

The Greens followed the therapist's instructions and it worked perfectly. Their love life was better than when they first started dating. They were so happy that they told their friends, the Browns, about the therapist.

The Browns were also having problems in their love life, so they went to the therapist. The therapist performed his examination and asked his questions. When he was finished, he told the Browns that he couldn't help them.

The Browns begged and pleaded. They offered to double, then triple his fee. They were desperate!

"Fine!" The therapist says, "After this, I need you to go to the grocery store. You're going to need to buy a bag of oranges and a box of Cheerios..."

We traveled to one of the nearby cities.
I was sick and I had to inject an ampoule.
But I did not know where the clinic is.
I asked a pedestrian: where do they inject an ampoule?
He turned and showed his ass. and said: here.
now I'm getting better.

Thanks for this bonus. I hope it is not late.
https://steemit.com/steem/@mahdiyari/announcement-upvote-exchange-beta-relaunch

This is for all the dudes who may be a little nervous about going off to college.

How can you tell if you room mate is gay?
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You'll know he's gay if his dick tastes like shit.

Why is sex in a canoe like English beer?

They are both fucking close to water.

I say this as an Englishman :)

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LOL ... Monthy python classic (although was done with Aussie beer)

I had to go in to the doctors office because an embarrassing situation where my junk had turned bright orange. Mainly just the twig, but also around base and top of berries.

STD was ruled out once I mentioned it has been a couple years since. Next the doctor ran a whole string of tests and bloodwork to rule out anything genetic. The tests came back clean, so the doc decided to profile my history of activities to see if we could narrow down the cause. Asked about tight fitting clothes, and then extreme sports. I answered : "I do not do much of anything at all, that is why this is so weird. I just sit around the house all day in my boxers, eating Cheetos while surfing around the internet."

Dude, I was the king of dirty jokes in high school! Here's one from my old repertoire:

A guy walks into a bar and meets this gorgeous lady. He starts hitting on her but she wasn't really interested. He kept nagging until the lady turns to him and says:
-I bet you would love to take me to your hotel.
-Yes yes, I do.
-I bet you would love to play with my boobs and ass.
-Yes yes, I do.
-I bet you would love to smell pussy RIGHT NOW!
-DAMN, YES I DO.
So she leans forward, opens her mouth and gives a long exhale in his face...

Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip.

Interesting @klye! I am following you!