Nerds - Teaching Children To Eat Other People's Happiness
What Peaceful Creatures
Let's Devour Them.
Imagine a world full of happy go lucky multi colored sentient beings living in peace and harmony. The only activities they partake in are acts of leisure and entertainment, usually at one of their planets many idyllic beaches. They swim in pools, surf, play volley ball, skateboard, and take part in other harmless endeavors. At night they go home to their beautiful communal living quarters and have incredible drug enhanced orgies, experiencing a pleasure beyond the pale of human understanding.
Then imagine heartless giants devouring the happy little creatures, and you have Nestle's marketing strategy for Nerds.
Nestle would also have us believe that Nerds don't mind this slaughter. Nerds do not despair, but rather ignore their impending doom, and continue with their leisure activities, waiting contentedly to be eaten alive.
Holy Crap.
What the hell is wrong with Nestle? The entire advertising message behind Nerds can be summed up in one sentence: "Happiness tastes delicious! Eat happy things, killing them!"
Their Joy is making me salivate
Not that Nestle isn't right. I can taste the happiness of Nerds in every joyous bite. Nerds taste like having an awesome party. Even as you're chewing them into tiny bits you can still feel their exuberance. All Nerds have the overriding flavor of celebration.
And that's strange for me, because Nerds are about as sweet as candies get. In fact, according to Wikipedia, they are essentially pure sugar. Usually I'm not too crazy about super saccharine substances, but somehow Nerds don't bother me. Actually, as far as I'm concerned, Nerds are one of the best non-chocolate confections on the mass candy market today.
So, what makes them so special? They come in five flavors: pink, yellow, green, orange and purple. I am aware that those are colors, but the colors are all that really matter. Each color tastes like whatever you think that color should taste like. The pink is strawberryish, yellow lemonish, orange orangish, purple grapish and, in the most genius move ever, green is watermelon! Not green apple, not disgusting, puke in your mouth lime, but watermelon. And good watermelon too. Not Jelly Belly "I'm trying desperately to be an actual watermelon" watermelon; but rather the ultra delicious "I'm a candy and I'm pretending to taste like watermelon because I'm good humored" watermelon.
They look like delicious precious gems.
Plus they don't hurt your teeth! It's true! I mean if you have a huge abscess, then they would probably hurt, or an untreated cavity. But otherwise you can chew and chew and, in my experience, they never hurt. And that's surprising also because Nerds are very crunchy.
They're just spectacular candies and the only problem with them is the terrifying unspoken message of their public image. Of course I appreciate the importance of making candy kid-friendly, but surely there must be a better way than teaching our children be heartless warmongers against peace.
Nerds have been laughing their way into peoples mouths and teaching our children to consume the happiness of others since 1983 and I foresee that they will continue doing so for a long time. They're incredibly fruity, addictively crunchy, and a pleasure to eat.
Also, they look kind of like Yoshi.
