[OC] Junior Mint Made Me His B&#!h - A Junior Mints Candy Review

I don't know who Junior is, but he's a genius.

Let me start by admitting that I don't like mint candies. I think mint, in it's super potent industrial flavoring form, should be used only in toothpaste and bubble gum. I might, with much cajoling, allow for mouth wash and floss. But in all other cases, from candy canes, to after dinner mints, to peppermint patties, I find mint completely unappetizing. This is because, not surprisingly, eating those things reminds me of chewing gum and brushing teeth, specifically the latter process. One of my earliest childhood memories is being told not to swallow toothpaste because it was bad for you. Now, as an adult, I'm supposed to enjoy toothpaste flavored confections? I think not.

With that said, I believe Junior Mints are one of the most perfect candies on the market today. Genuinely. Only one huge, unavoidable characteristic holds them back: Junior Mints taste like mint.

As their box so gaily reports, Junior Mints were named after their inventors favorite Broadway play, "Junior Miss." "Junior Miss," aside from having a name that I'm assuming only makes sense in context, was based on a collection of stories by Sally Benson.

Unfortunately for Junior Mints, the play "Junior Miss" stopped running 6 years before the candy was invented. But, fortunately for Junior Mints, someone decided to make a movie. Unfortunately for Junior Mints, the movie was also released 4 years before the candy was invented. However, due to the apparently insatiable public appetite for "Junior Miss," someone decided to make a radio show. And, fortunately for Junior Mints, this time it coincided perfectly with the release of the candy. Third times the charm, hey Junior Mints?

That's slightly unnerving.

When one hears the word "creamy," one's mind clings to an ideal. "Creamy" espouses expectations of smoothness, a melt in your mouth quality, as well as a subtle decadence. But, more often than not, the reality of "creamy" falls short. Most "creamy" candy is too grainy or coarse, too sticky or thick, too watery or chewy.

Well not today mother fuckers. Junior Mints take the word "creamy" and anally pleasures it into submission. That is how creamy Junior Mints are. They destroy all previous conceptions of creaminess, leaving behind the indelible mark of their textural supremacy.

You'd best lock the back door when Junior Mints come around.
(By "back door," I mean your anus.)

Really though, Junior Mints are one of the few candies in existence whose texture is so incredible that it actually makes the taste secondary. When you bite into a Junior Mint, yes, you'll taste a strong, fresh mint flavor. But more than that, you'll feel the cool, silken white cream explode refreshingly onto your tongue.
And the chocolate! O! The chocolate! The package proclaims pure chocolate and it does not lie. Apparently Tootsie Roll Industries is immune to the influx of crap that the other candy companies are using. No PGPR, no vegetable oil, just good ole cocoa butter. Not too sweet, melts in your mouth and looks good doing it - now that's pure chocolate.

The sad thing is that the only measurable problem with Junior Mints is their minty flavor. In fact, for me, the flavor of Junior Mints is one of the greatest tragedies in candy history. I can't understand what the appeal of eating chocolate covered toothpaste is. Especially considering the other options available. How about a delicate lemon cream, or perhaps a light coconut flavor. Or better yet, plain old vanilla. Imagine, if you will, a white cream, flavored with pure vanilla extract, and covered in pure chocolate. Now continue imagining while you write a message to Tootsie Roll Industries begging for Junior Vanillas. Or you could call them at (773) 838-3400. Just get it done.

I shouldn't have to pretend that this exists.

Like I said, I don't like mint, and I know a lot of people love it. For those lucky people, Junior Mints must be tantamount to candy nirvana. But, for me, the very mint flavor that defines the candy is also its greatest weakness and, in the end, makes it impossible for me to fully enjoy them.

Still, every other aspect of this candy is so strong that, despite my feelings towards mint, I couldn't help but like it. Actually, "like" is the wrong word. I admire Junior Mints. I admire them for their high quality ingredients and for feeling like so many candies don't: perfectly creamy.

All my candy reviews are Original Content, including photos except where specified. Here i took a picture of the Junior Mint Box.