The Great Peep Menace
They're watching us.
I don't trust Peeps. Increasingly, Peeps frighten me. They started off so innocently, as little marshmallow chicks. No one worried, no one sounded the alarm - after all they weren't a threat, they couldn't possibly be.
Neither were the Bolsheviks in 1905, muttering in small groups on the outskirts of society. Nor the German Workers Party in 1920, with their widely disregarded public displays. No one could have known, then, what they were capable of. Just as no one knows now where the Peep invasion will strike.
So it is with Peeps. We let them procreate and grow, until their numbers doubled. No longer were they only Yellow, but now blue, and red, and green, and every imaginable color. And now they are more numerous then ever and growing: watching us with brown, beady eyes, patiently gathering information, waiting.
Report Peep sightings immediately.
The United States Government has long considered this growing threat to the human race and has spent years developing strategies in our defense. The result of trillions of dollars in funding and decades of work is "Operation Peeped," which calls for the complete ingestion of the entire Peep species by the human race.
It is horrifying, I know, to think that we might be capable of mass Peep genocide on a global scale. But it must be done if America...nay, if the world, is going to survive.
Luckily for us the flesh of the Peep is mild and sweet and, due to a complete lack of any visible biological structures, Peeps can be eaten whole. A Peep's texture is akin to a commercial marshmallow. Except softer than your everyday marshmallow, without the annoying dusty residue that marshmallows sometimes leave in your mouth.
Flying brazenly in the face of evolution, a Peep's skin is made up entirely of granulated sugar and therefore adds a tiny crunch to the otherwise soft texture. Although Peeps come in many different colors their skin does not have a distinct flavor of its own. This means that every Peep, no matter how sure you are to the contrary, tastes exactly the same. Needless to say this makes Peep's pretty boring to eat after awhile.
Case File no. 32X- 15/2012 entitled "Peep Agitator."
We also have reason to believe that the Peeps might be carrying out experiments in forced evolution. The government has uncovered disturbing photos of malformed Peeps making it into our supermarkets and candy stores. If you see one of these mutated Peeps, for your own safety, do not ingest it yourself, but feed it to a pet or a neighbors child. I have received a copy of one of the government's intelligence photos.
I should warn you that it contains disturbing imagery.
Peep Autopsy Record, 12/04/2013, coroner name redacted.
Remain vigilant, always. The quiet, unassuming sweetness of the Peep's flesh and their vibrant plumage mask a terrible nature. Do you part to rid the world of this menace. It's easy to consume a half dozen of the creatures without much trouble, but eating Peeps gets very old, very fast - so pace yourself, but never relent!
Although I can see you have researched your subject on the evilness of Peeps well, I must disagree with your views on Peeps being boring to eat after a while. This statement is assuming that a never ending supply is accessible. I am fully supportive of trying to eat every Peep in existence to make the world a safer place, but here in the UK, they are virtually impossible to find (probably because UK Peeps have evolved their invisibility power to the full), therefore the taste never gets to grow old.
If a job comes up for the position of mass Peeps eater for the safety of mankind, please consider me for the position ;)
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