The Birthday Gift | Comedy Open Mic Round 31

Image source: DeviantArt

Gary walked in with eyes that seemed to see beyond him. There was a listless to his gait and a confusion in his bounce. He paced the narrow room, casting a sight out of the window as if what he sought was outside. He turned, walked to the door, decided against walking out and turned again. John watched from a corner of his eyes, as his friend repeated this movement, knowing that Gary would speak up in his own time.

“John, I need a gift!” Gary blurted out of the blue.

John looked up from the book he was starring at. He had stopped reading when Gary came in but somehow, he felt compelled to continue the act. He cast the book aside and leaned back on the chair.

“What kind of gift?” Came the reply, with eyes that observed Gary’s face as if the answer was etched on his forehead.

“A birthday gift!”

“But I thought you don’t do birthdays….”

“It’s for someone!” Gary felt his voice rising and turned to the window.

“Aha!” John’s eyes lit up, his ears anticipating a tale. “And who is this special someone that would make my friend want to buy a birthday gift?”

“It’s someone on Steemit!” Gary spat out the reply, wondering if asking John was a good idea in the first place.

“Steemit…” John muttered to himself, savouring the word. “Well, I have to give it to you Gary, you did it earlier than I expected.”

“Did what?”

“Find a girl.” John replied with a wink.

“Find a… Argh! Are you serious? I haven’t even met her.”

“It’s a matter of time….”

“You don’t get it; she isn’t a Nigerian!”

“Oh! What countr….”

“Germany!”

“Wow!” John sprang to his feet. “That’s a big one. How did you guys meet?”

”Meet? What are you saying John? I don’t even know her.”

“So it’s a blind date then.” John replied, half speaking to himself. “Don’t worry, I’m here to guide you.” His face became animated as he spoke; “The trick my friend is…”

“John, I don’t have time for this. I need ideas for a birthday gift.”

“Well, send her bitcoins or Steemit.”

“It’s Steem, idiot; and I cannot send her Steem or Bitcoin. I’m broke man; you know that! Besides, I’m supposed to send her a gift so I can get something in return.”

“Hmm… like a steamy session in the dark alleys of Germany?”

“For once in your life, be serious John! It’s a competition…”

“So there are other guys… she must be a hot one! But then, I don’t have much faith in your taste so I’m thinking she’s a seven or eight at most.”

“No dummy! Not that kind of competition. Argh! It’s a contest on Steemit. She wants people to create stuff about her.”

“Oh!”

“Yeah. It can be anything: music, picture, poem, story…”

“Then why did you call it a gift?”

Gary shrugged. “Well, I assumed that since it’s her birthday, we are kinda giving her gifts. Besides I want to do something for her…”

“.…so you can get something in return!”

“That’s not the point!”

“Then tell me what the point is!”

“I want to send her something. I want to do something. I want to… argh! Talking to you is pointless!” Gary raised his hands in exasperation and slumped on the bed.

“Wait! What are the options again…?

“Poem, picture, music, story….”

“You could send her a picture of your dick. Oh, that would be hardly appropriate; besides I think it’s too small.”

“John! Are you crazy?”

“Sorry, my bad. I wonder what she’ll think about your small dick though. Wait, you mentioned story as one of the options, right?”

“Yeah…”

“You write stories, don’t you?”

“Maybe”

“This is the time to show your false humility. Write a story for her.”

“But I don’t know anything about her! Hell, I only stumbled on her profile when I was looking for contests to apply for.”

“Doesn’t matter. You don’t have to know her. Simply write any story in her honour.”

“Her honour?”

“You know, like ancient Gladiators fought to their death in honour of the Roman Emperors.”

“Let’s assume I take your advise, what do I write on?”

“Dunno. You can write about our conversation..”

“Boring…”

“It’s just a suggestion. Who knows, she might become interested in you and ask you to come over to Germany for a steamy…”

“You don’t even know if she’s into guys or…”

“You mean a lesbian? Well, I guess it’s time you applied the lessons from those lesbian porno on your laptop.” John replied with a mischievous grin.

“Bastard! How did you…? Argh! Never mind.”

“I’m just saying man. She might be bi- too. You never know until you try…”

“Shit the fuck up, John. You’re so full of bullshit, I think you need to take a shit.” Gary sat upright on the bed and pondered for a while. “I think I have just the idea.” He turned to John who looked at him in earnest expectation. “I’m going to write a story based on our conversation. Who knows maybe….”

“You bastard!” John screamed as he threw a punch at Gary

I nominate @julietisrael and @penderis to tell us something really funny

Entry for Win a 1k SP Delegation! Contest by @suesa

I chose to write a story because it's the only thing I know how to do. I hope @suesa likes it. The conversation in the story is actually based on the ramblings in my head -minus the NSFW parts of course; I added those as 'spices'