Sir Muxxy Rides Again - Comedy Open Mic - Round 10

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Last year I was happy to take part in @sirknight's Steemlords quest here and here. Unfortunately I had to duck out from further adventures and left the poor Sir Muxxy forgotten in Steem history. As you might suspect, he's back!

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For nine flaming months he had wandered aimlessly, abandoned by Ye Author In Yonder Sky. With nary a quest to his name, Sir Muxxy refused all transportation options, despite his lifelong laziness - his last steed was the dragon Satt-Navv who had an unfortunately terrible sense of direction, which made the Knight slightly miffed and reluctant to jump on anything else’s back again. On his journey to MiddleSteem he had gotten hopelessly lost and crashed into a flour mill in the pungent port of KingStanding. A den of intrigue, backstabbing and ridicule, the port was no place for a Knight of his character and sensibilities.

‘Soddeth this, I shall return homeward,’ he’d announced one morning to nobody in particular, and off he trudged Westward. He relied upon his training as a young scout, the teachings of Wizard Ja-Sonbu echoing through his bored mind.

If travel ye West, the sun behind ye be best.
Unless it be past mid of day, follow the sun all the way.
If night it be, the north Star on your right ye should see.
East bound be ye? The opposite should do thee. Eh?

Sir Muxxy occasionally wondered whatever happened to his old mentor. The last he heard was that Ja-Sonbu had returned to the place of his birth, the Northern Frozen Lands of Canad-Eh, to live out his days watching a peculiar pastime called Hoe Key: garden hoes were locked in various garden sheds, the keys of which were tossed into a bowl. The purpose of the game was to find the correct key for the right hoe shed. The participants were rather exuberant in their quests for hoes, enjoying nothing better than slapping opponents in the face with their retrieved garden tools. Hoe Key masks were introduced to minimize the breaking of noses and the loss of teeth. Strange folk indeed - the frozen wastelands were no place for well kept gardens.

Bereft of Knightly comforts, Sir Muxxy’s mood grew less than cordial. He stamped through a forest one morning as he had decided that the day’s quest should involve waking up and startling as many nocturnal creatures as he could. Owls twit-twooed their displeasure, nay-nays squeaked and scurried away. Hogs-of-the-hedge tutted incessantly and folded their paws. Ocelossums just glared at him. This pleased him no end, until a shrill voice called out from the bushes.

‘Do you mind? I’m trying to see to a drunken badger here.’

Sir Muxxy bravely backed away, sliding his sword from its scabbard.

‘Come forth good lady, yet be ye warned for I am a Knight and I am the least bit afraid to puncture thee, lest my protection I forgo.’

The bushes rustled as only bushes can and a wild looking woman appeared. Her tangled hair at first looked like it was made of twigs, until Sir Muxxy deduced that there were actually nests in there, some containing eggs, others small chicks. A slightly flattened badger followed her, did his best to appear sober, smiled at him and passed out.

‘Halt right there m’lady’ he instructed, pointing his weapon vaguely in her direction. ‘Identify thyself.’

‘Oh, la-de-da. Thee and thys is it? Well, fancy. I’m Krhonda, hedge-maid, Queen of the forest and keeper of all the beasts here-abouts.’ The chicks in her hair tweeted in agreement.

‘A hedge-maid? Isn’t that a…um…witch?’

‘If by witch you mean a lady what does majiks, I s’pose I am. What of it?’

Sir Muxxy looked around for an escape route, just in case he should peg it out of there pretty sharpish. Witches were frowned upon in Knightly circles, mostly because witches were generally of the fairer sex and ladies confused. His sword arm trembled in anticipation of dispatching the hag, definitely not because he was scared.

‘M’lady, be that a wand in thy hand?’

Krhonda raised her right arm slowly, clutching an innocent looking twig.

‘Oh this ol’ thang? It’s just a stick.’ A busyness of ferrets took that opportunity to leave the warm confines of her right sleeve and scurried off into the underbrush to do ferrety things. At Knight school Sir Muxxy had learned that ferrets have an aversion to violence if it doesn’t involve teeth or claws. Still, the rodents watched from the bushes on the off chance events went that way.

‘Ma’am, please drop the stick and kick it over here,’ he commanded in a shaky voice while shaking his sword.

‘M’kay, Sir Knight, don’t get yer tassets in a tangle.’

The hedge-maid did as instructed, dropped the twig and kicked it, howling in pain.

‘Oh, yer bastard! Gots me a splinter in meh toe yer great oaf!’ She sat on the forest floor clutching her foot, trying to get it to her mouth to retrieve the offending vegetation.

The forest came alive with chirping, grunts, croaks, chittering and screeches as animals of all descriptions, sizes and persuasions surrounded the clearing, most doing their utmost to look menacing. Frogs, hogs-of-the-hedge and deer did their best but looked almost apologetic.
Although not prone to help those in need, Sir Muxxy deduced it might be in his best interest to calm the situation before it got entirely out of hand. There was no telling what the creatures would do, seeing their Queen in such distress.

‘M’Lady, I admit I might be slightly to blame for this calamity…’

‘Slightly? You flamin’ great…’

‘BUT…I shall valiantly endeavor to rid thee of injury.’

The Knight replaced his sword and retrieved his small folding pocket dagger. The swish-knife - so called for the noise it made as one waved it in the air - had various useful and some not quite so useful attachments: it could double as a spoon, a corkscrew, a set of tweezers and, even though they were not yet invented, a screwdriver and can opener. After several minutes unfolding and folding the various sections, Sir Muxxy eventually found the tweezers.

‘Be still old hag as I…’

‘HAG? How very dare you…as if this isn’t bad enough!’

‘Apologies my…erm…Queen. The animals, they make me somewhat…nervous.’

‘Oh, the big brave Knight is scared of a few mice and frogs is he?’ She chuckled in a most offensive manner.

‘Nay, not scared. Just, erm, nervous. And not the mice and frogs - that there owl is looking at me.’

He pointed to one of the lower branches to his right where the bird was watching him accusingly.

‘Don’t be daft, that’s just Burt. He doesn’t like anyone, not even other owls. Now, yer gonna put muh toe right?’

‘At once, madam.’

Sir Muxxy rushed over, took her shoeless foot in his hand and heaved at the spicy aroma emanating from the foot in his grasp. Summoning his valor and bravery, the Knight held his breath, quickly found the splinter and gave it a sharp tug.

‘Oh you ass!’ Krhonda hissed through clenched teeth, her discomfort evident even to Sir Muxxy.

‘There madam, all is right with thyself, what?’

‘I s’pose’ she conceded. ‘Help me up.’

He gallantly granted her request and breathed a sigh of relief as the forest creatures sauntered away, disappointed at the lack of action. He had never seen a frog saunter before.

‘Now Mr La-De-Da Knight…’

‘Muxxy, Sir Muxxy at your service.’ He performed an elaborate bow, all twirling hands and bends of the knees.

‘Stupid name.’

He bravely chose to ignore the slight upon his family. She continued.

‘I ain’t ‘bout t’ turn ye int’ a frog or naught. Ain’t that kinda witch.’

‘Most gracious m’lady.’

‘So long as ye don’t poke me with anything sharp. Agreed?’

‘Quite. So, pray tell, what be thy majiks?’

‘Animals. They get hurt doin’ stupid things. Mostly badgers and ‘coons. Some folk decide t’ hurt them. I fix ‘em.’

‘A rather honorable endeavor Mistress Krhonda.’

‘I s’pose. So tell me, what is a fancy Knight doin’ in my forest?’

‘A tale too long to tell, yet the long and short of it, I am homeward bound far west from here.’

‘Ah, done all ye Knighting and such? Rescued maidens and battled ogres have ye?’

‘Yes? I mean, naturally, for I am the brave Sir Muxxy.’

‘Hmm’ she remained unconvinced, but shrugged and let it pass unchallenged.

‘Don’t you folk have steeds and such?’

‘I fear I have lost mine. Martha was…’ he sniffed, courageously swallowing his tears ‘she was my steed whence we set off on my quest. A unicorn so pretty you would…’

‘We? I see just you.’ Krhonda peered into the forest.

‘My man servant and I madam. He too is lost to me. A handy fellow, although rather flatulent.’

‘Flatu-what? Oh, yer mean he farts a lot?’

‘Forgive me, one forgets he speaks with simple folk.’

She gave him the dead eye and snorted but he was the one with sharp pointy things, after all.

‘His name isn’t Shane by chance?’

‘Verily! How know thee of Shane the Squelcher?’

‘He didn’t mention no squelching, p’haps this is a different Shane?’

‘Unless his diet has changed of late, his flatulence earned him the title. He likes it, trust me. Where can I find my man?’

‘It’s been a while but a gnome raiding party came through, making all sorts of mess. Yer know they dropped a bath on Darren?’

‘Who’s Darren?’

The hedge-maid pointed at the badger, now giggling at some joke he just thought of.

‘A right proper shame it is. Snuffling through the forest one day, innocently looking for trouble as badgers do. He didn’t expect trouble t’ find him. When I say trouble, I mean a bath on his head.’

‘What kind of bath madam?’

‘Does it matter? He ain’t been right since. Flatter than most, other badgers tease ‘im. Why he took up drink yer see.’

‘Quite. This bath…’

‘What is it with you and this bath? If yer so interested, it’s over yonder. The gnomes left it when the ‘coons chased ‘em off.’

Sir Muxxy crossed the clearing and found the bath, overgrown with vines. Through moss and grime he could clearly see it was a copper bath.

‘Yes!’

‘Y’all ain’t right. Had a bath dropped on yer head too p’haps?’

‘Nay m’lady. You see, this gnome raiding party, it was my camp they raided.’ Sir Muxxy was getting excited as a new quest was slowly presenting itself to him. ‘My man servant Shane was taken too you see. Know where they went perchance?’

‘Not exactly but I know there’s a gnome settling t’ the north of here. Many days ride though. Ain’t gonna make it on foot before t’ winter.’

An idea came to him. ‘Pray madam, horses are forest creatures, no?’

‘Horses? What kinda eejit are ye? No, horses do not live in forests’ she explained slowly, as one would to a young child.

‘Damn it. Although loathe to ride once more, I require a steed. Any villages here abouts?’

‘Nah, not for days. But, I could help. Y’all ain’t gonna like it though…’

His eyes lit up. ‘Have ye a solution to my plight?’

‘Do ye know what a ‘coon is?’

‘A raccoon? Small little black and white thing that chatters a lot. The scullery maids often chase them from behind the kitchens back home.’

‘My ‘coon ain’t so small. ‘Ere, lemme show you.’

Krhonda placed fingers in her mouth and gave a shrill piercing whistle. Soon rustling and crashes could be heard coming toward them. Trees swayed and branches cracked as a dark shape entered the clearing.

‘Ah, ‘ere she is. Meet Glory.’

The hedge-maid reached up and scratched the raccoon’s chin. As tall as a horse and twice as fat, Glory eyed Sir Muxxy with indifference.

‘Majik ain’t an exact science. Glory here was putting on so much weight, I tried t’ help her, see? Instead of making her thinner though, she got taller. The taller she got, the more she ate. She might be obliged to let you ride her north.’

‘Madam, I have lost my unicorn, my dragon crashed and died. On top of that, it would not be befitting for a Knight of my standing to ride a raccoon.’

‘Suit yerself. North’s that way.’

Sir Muxxy weighed up his options. Walk for weeks into the winter and for what? His man servant? On the other hand, having Shane back would make his pampered life so much easier. He supposed that here in the wilds he would not have the indignity of being seen riding such a beast.

‘Madam, I shall accept your generous offer. A quest has presented itself and it befalls me to honor it.’

‘Whatever. Go now and you’ll be there within a week. Just one thing. Keep her fed, f’ your own good. Miss Glory can be...difficult…when hungry.’

‘What shall I feed her? Grass and such I expect?’

‘Yer still thinkin’ of horses eejit. She’ll try most things. Birds, nuts, other critters, berries. Just lots of it. Always.’

‘I bid thee farewell m’lady. It was an enormous pleasure to mee…’

‘Oh go away.’

Taken aback, he decided his time was done in the forest. He clambered onto Glory’s back and promptly fell off three times. Finally the raccoon stopped laughing at him and allowed him to remain flat against her back. The creature smelled vaguely like Krhonda’s feet so he tried to remember to breathe through his mouth. Rather than gallop off, as Sir Muxxy would have expected, the raccoon ambled off with a wobbling gait, her fur rippling in his grip.

Finally, a quest. Despite his curious mode of transport, the brave Sir Muxxy’s mood lifted. It was good to be back in the saddle.

Ye Ende

With humble apologies to @jasonbu and @rhondak.

I would love for @thinknzombie and @tremendospercy to revive their Steemlords characters for this.

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