RE: From "Ragnarok Concpiracy" ; Part One, Chapter 1 : Blocks
Hi @pibara, how have you been?
I've just started on reading Ragnarok Conspiracy and since you've requested feedback, I'll provide some new feedback.
First off, it looks like that you are referring to "anti-AI" as a specific piece of software, although a reader could get confused and think of anti-AI as a type of software. If it is indeed a specific piece of software, it will help to make sure that the capitalization and typefacing are consistent, even if it would mean breaking normal grammar rules. In this chapter I've seen three different forms of "anti-AI": "anti-AI" is the most common use, but "Anti AI" ends one sentence and "Anti-AI" begins the next sentence immediately thereafter. I think you need to pick one form and stick with it throughout the text.
Other punctuation issues: "cross correlating" should have a dash (cross-correlating), while AI-farm and file-system should not (AI farm), (file system OR filesystem). Possessives need an apostrophe before the last "s" if the original name or noun does not end in "s" (e.g. Dakilas should be Dakila's, Kidlads should be Kidlad's, Mahalias should be Mahalia's, systems file-system should be system's file system).
One sentence that I'll fix for you: Not too innocent, no and not too young, don’t want to attract no pedophiles and through them attract coppers, no, all of Dakila’s creations were based on local woman in their late twenties.
Corrected version: Not too innocent and not too young, don't want to attract pedophiles and through them attract cops, no, all of Dakila's creations were based on local women in their late twenties.
Conversation between Dakila and his mother should have quotation marks surrounding their spoken words. For instance:
"Dakila, are you coming down, dinner is ready!"
"In a minute mom, I need to finish this."
The 3 paragraphs involving Dakila, his mom, and food are also missing a lot of quotation marks in the conversation.
This first chapter definitely needs some editing work. I'll withhold judgment on the story itself until I've had a chance to read some more chapters. Hope my feedback helps though!
So to isolate those 3 paragraphs of conversation instead of packing an already long wall of text some more, here is how I think it should read:
"Dakila, you remember what we talked about your sexual obsession with sims, don’t you?" As his mom came into his room holding a plate of food, Dakila quickly minimized the analysis window on his computer desktop. "I’m starting to think your father was right about this Dakila. We are sending you to therapy, this is getting way out of hand. Here sweetie, here is your silog. I’ll give doctor Ocampo a call right away, your dad said she does wonders with obsessed teens."
"Mo-om, please mom, it is not an obsession and I said I would be right down mom, I turned 17 today, aren’t I old enough now to have earned some fucking privacy?"
Dakila's mom turned her head, looking at Dakila annoyed and a bit angry with a hint of indignation, but then a huge smile formed on her face. "Happy birthday darling. We will be talking about that potty mouth of yours tomorrow darling, for now, enjoy your silog. Whenever you are done with your sims, come down for some birthday cake, OK?"