AESOP'S REBOOT, FABLES FOR ?KIDS?: The Cow and the Douchey Weasel
A short fable, in a kid-friendly format, spotlighting the dirtbags who profit from illegitimate take-downs.
FOREWORD FOR PARENTS
Most kids' books I've read suck. Invariably, when reading them to my son, I drift to sleep and mumble along until he slaps me awake. I know he's bored too, but he's an empath and doesn't want me to bear the guilt for my crap selection. Yet, we continue on, borrowing these turds from the library because they're free and we both want to utilize our tax dollars to the fullest. But I digress.
Children's books should be fun and educational for all involved. More importantly though, they should stretch a child's elastic mind. Why not teach kids thought-provoking, even prickly concepts rather than pandering for their cheap giggles with lame, sing-songy rhymes about an egg falling off some god damn wall? Why shouldn't a three-year-old be armed with a basic understanding of entrapment? Who says a five-year-old can't appreciate the irony of the death penalty? If handled properly, a four year old CAN comprehend financial bubbles just fine! Sure, the child won't digest every nuance, but shit, they won't know what they're yapping about when pledging allegiance in kindergarten and that doesn't stop the state from requiring them to do so every morning does it? Let's do a solid for our kids, let's teach them our version of colonialism nice and young before the state has a crack at it. Kids aren't stupid, they're empty and it's our job to fill them up! It's not that fucking difficult. Get some cute animals, boil the concepts down to the basics, read with a cutesy high-pitch voice and blammo! Knowledge blasted into that little brain. No need to keep dragging some goofy, self-righteous bird in the room to lecture them for the twentieth time that stealing is wrong. Screw you bird!
What follows is the second fable (The Cow and the Douchey Weasel) in a small collection of adult/kid friendly fables. These fables are a blended literary experience: part children's book, part civics class, part Wikipedia entry, part pop culture reference, part current events, part urban dictionary, part history lesson, part legal lesson, part life lesson and part ethological study all wrapped into an Aesop-approved format complete with pictures just in case your little one proves to be a bit dense (of course not your child dear reader).
So sit back with an adult beverage, your tablet and a kid or two and let's pick up where Aesop left off. And be prepared to answer questions. Lots of interesting questions.
Below is the second fable in the collection. Let's get to it and explore EXTORTION with our little ones...
The Cow and the Douchey Weasel
She was the classiest cow you could find grazing among the stars in Hollywood Hills. Adored by her fans for her warm smile and small town values, she was the cow next door. The epitome of what a proper, Grade-A, grass-fed, all-American cow should be. This wholesomeness and propriety is what launched her to fame and fortune, earning her the coveted label, roll model, among the world's calves.
The weasel, on the other hand, was an train wreck of depraved immorality. Known as a liar among his friends, a cheat among his clients and a thief among his enemies, he was as conniving as they came and had no conscious for the mayhem caused by his lucrative character assassinations.
It was during a lavish Hollywood party that the weasel, who slunk beneath the back door to gain entry, approached the cow with a thinly veiled proposition. "I've recently acquired several provocative photos of you during your teen years in bucolic Wyoming wearing nothing but a shiny bell and, to be decent, permitting several horny bulls to satisfy themselves at your voluptuous udder, white liquids squirting everywhere." Horrified, the image-conscious cow gaped as the weasel bluffed on. "Now, I could happily sell these bacchanalian photos to you for $2 million, or instead, I could initiate negotiations with The National Gossip. The choice is yours my harlotous heifer," the weasel said with a greasy grin.
Distraught, the cow scampered from the party into the protective arms of her faithful attorney, Mr. Stoat Esq. "But I never let a bull suckle, Never! Only my born calves!" said the cow. "There, there," said the attorney with a calming yet sinister smile, "we'll take care of this matter promptly," he said, the scent of money thick in his furry nostrils. "Threats, bribes and lies are the tools of my trade. The weasel is a charlatan, I will equivocate him into confused submission," the stoat said, adjusting his diamond cufflinks.
Police searches of the weasel's home didn't turn up the photos he claimed to possess, and suspicion grew that his story about the photos was a fabrication. At his hearing, he weasel worded his way through an explanation of his interaction with the cow, "I simply offered her an opportunity to buy some wonderfully pastoral photos of her in her youth! I never threatened to sell them to a tabloid."
"Where are these photos now weasel?" the judge asked.
"Oh, I believe my neighbor the fox has taken ownership of them through nefarious methods."
MORAL: Every weasel wants more money, but be a beautiful brave little bovine and don't let that weasel cow you into being his cash cow.
In our previous fable, we explored POLITICIANS with the little ones.
In our next fable, we will explore FINANCIAL BUBBLES with our youngsters.
This piece is being submitted for Comedy Open Mic Round 3
- all story images are taken from pixabay and are free to use under creative commons
- original story - content belongs to Daniel Shortell