UNHEALTHY THINGS WE DID DURING THE XMAS SEASON : For Air-clinic contest

It’s 16th of December already! Checking MikeDaddy’s Whatsapp status for time last seen. It seems MikeDaddy might be in town soon, he was last online 2 days ago. Waiting for his call is like waiting to exhale! Quick check of my list for “mbomchi” – “sleepover” days.
1. Perfume
2. Body spray
3. Body toner
4. Makeup remover
5. Victoria’s secrets’ lingerie and body lotion (Smells so good!)
6. Makeup check
a. Marykay eyeshadows
b. Milan foundation
c. Tara lip-gloss
d. Mac lipstick

That’s the only Mac product I have; thank God I could afford to buy one at last; perhaps when MikeDaddy comes I might be lucky he takes me on a shopping spree so I can buy a Mac Powder.
Like being sexy is priority for these our “overseas brothers”. He cannot come back and find me unattractive; lots of girls in town would snatch him away at any given chance. No, that won’t happen. Eziokwum! These Owerre girls have taught me lots of lessons! I cannot slack, MikeDaddy has tried so much for me, He helped me recover from the last heart break I had last year. I had resigned from my job just to come live with my supposed “boyfriend” here in Owerre. He complained too much about the long distance, how he misses me, how he wish we could settle down and get married on time. He asked me to leave my job to come be with him; that if I loved him enough I would resign and come live with him at Owerre. Oh how stupid I was to believe his lies, he even promised to pay for my master’s degree programme as long as I did it in Owerre and I believed him! How foolish of me! I got to Owerre only to be kicked out by a strange lady in his house (In fact it was “Our House” because I paid a part of the house rent; I also bought the very Bed they copulate on)!

The shame of going back home was unbearable as I was forewarned of this exact outcome, but I was blinded by love to see what other people saw. Thank God I have relatives in Owerre at least I had a roof over my head each night. I know familiarity breeds contempt so I move between relatives every two weeks. I am grateful it’s been three weeks now with my cousin Chetachi; oh that reminds me let me count my panties again for Chetachi has been “eyeing” them since I bought them. I have been reserving them to use for MikeDaddy, he deserves the best. He was there for me emotionally, encouraging me to move on and saying how I deserve better, he also supports financially too! At least once in two months he sends $200 to me. For 3 months since MikeDaddy told me he would be coming back for the Christmas season. I have been preparing, I am pleased so far with what I bought. The panties weren’t complete, 2 were missing. How do I ask Chetachi for my panties without vexing her and getting her to shout at me for insinuating she’s a thief! It had happened once before when we were younger and the outcome was her mother asked me to leave their house that night. Now we are grown am not sure it will be any different. I need to stay with Chetachi till MikeDaddy comes back, perhaps he can help me get my own apartment as he promised earlier last month. If not, I might go back home to Lagos for I am tired of moving and squatting from relative to relative. It has been emotionally draining to see my once highly regarded self now a liability in the eyes of my relatives. Well it is not their fault truly, its mine. I left a good paying Job for nothing! It is only natural they get tired of me, I really do not blame them. MikeDaddy’s return would end all this I pray!

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“Amaka! Amaka!! “
“Chetachi!!!”
“Amaka, I dey hail you o! E dikwa hot this season!”
Chetachi’s entrance hails made me a tad suspicious; I hurriedly fold the last piece of cloth into my “mbochim” bag, making sure to lock it properly this time.
“Amaka, tell me something. Is it because of MikeDaddy, that you have been spoiling yourself to pieces like this?! I can’t remember the last time you bought things for yourself. Is he coming back?! Hmm?! So you too will do “overseas lover” things?! E nigwakwa na club ndi nwere “overseas lover” Tell me something o!”
“Haba! Which question do I answer first? Chetachi you make me laugh!”
“Don’t avoid my questions with your laughs now! Tell me Biko. Gwanim!”
“Ok, Ok. Yes, MikeDaddy is coming and yes, it’s because of him I went shopping “
“You’re packing Chlorophyll and honey too to your “mbomchi” bag, what for?!”
“My Secret!”
“Haha, ok I see let us trade secrets. See ehn, that my Canadian based “maga” is coming back home this season and…”
“Oh really?! Interesting! The one you once chatted with my Facebook messenger?”
“Yes o! But I hope you have deleted his contact?” Chetachi pitched.
“Yes of course!! I deleted his contact from my friend list that very day. I really do not know his name on Facebook.”
“Like I was saying, so I bought this soap that can make me a virgin again! You know this one is special, I want him to feel the worth of what he would be paying for. ”
“Odiegwu o! Chetachi! E bia kwa! I wish you all the best with your soap. Anyways the chlorophyll is for fresh smell and taste of the Pu^^y.”
“How?”
“Well I read somewhere that chlorophyll can cleanse the vagina and give it a fresh smell and I tried it once with Solomon and he said that was the best Pu^^y he ever tasted. So I am switching up my game by adding honey.”
“Really?! Whoa?! After you will be doing ‘Mary-Amaka’ ‘Righteous-Righteous’ like you don’t know anything! I am happy for you o! At least you are not depressed like months back when that ‘Yeye’ Solomon broke your heart. Can I have some chlorophyll please? I will try it for Odemba.”
“Sure! So Odemba is his name”
Yes, but that’s not his Facebook name o!” Chetachi pitched, I know that she regretted mentioning his name. She never trusts any lady about her men. She has a list of them but this Christmas season she told she would reserve three weeks for Odemba or rather her “Canadian based boyfriend”!
“So when is he coming back?”
“Next tomorrow! He chatted with me last night saying he is in Lagos will come to town day after tomorrow.”
“I see, MikeDaddy is coming home soon too, hopefully will get his call tomorrow.”
My phone rings
“Hello. Hi! MikeDaddy! You are now in Owerre?! Oh wow! Thank God for journey mercies! Oh today, you mean tonight?! Ok Sure! What Hotel? Ok……Ok, see you soon, welcome back dearest!” I could tell excitement was the pitch of my voice.
“Ha, so I would be all alone now for two days. Issorait! I will allow you go join your “wanna-gwanna” season catch!”
“He’s not my season catch please, I’ve known MikeDaddy six months before he travelled out and this year makes it the fifth year I have known him. You know that already!” I hissed exasperated.
“Ok o! If you say so. Hurry up! Go quickly we don’t want to keep him waiting, who knows he might end up being your husband. From the little you’ve told me about him, he seems like a good catch ready to settle with you.”
“Alright I will drop the hotel address for you in case of an emergency.” I quickly pipped in although secretly accepting her prayers.
“Alright, take care, will be going to visit my mum at port Harcourt. I will be back to Owerre when my Maga arrives.”
It has been a year and half since I had any form of sexual excitement. I thought I will be ready for that once I see MikeDaddy. I swore to make it the best experience for both of us sexually, although now am a bit nervous and hesitant to climb the stairs to his room. I am afraid I might not be mentally and emotionally prepared for the outcome of this. I cannot remember what it feels like to have a man cuddle or even hug me. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I cursed the day I met Solomon and the day he broke my heart, for making me feel less of a woman. I know I can be interesting in bed. Why did he allow that strange lady throw insults at me, saying I was a boring stiff old bones in bed and she is young vibrant and better than me. So sex was the reason Solomon chose her over me! This time around, MikeDaddy won’t have a reason to leave, I will moan so loud that the next room occupant must come beg me to keep quiet. I will switch styles at intervals and I believe MikeDaddy got a lot to teach his baby girl too!

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“Hello Chetachi .…. Ok, I should come visit this evening? Ok, I will tell MikeDaddy. See you soon.”
“Babes! How far? Your face doesn’t look good “Cha-Cha” –“at all”. What is it?” I asked.
“Nor go di ala- Sit down!”
“Ok, I am sitting”
“How was your visit to your mum’s place? How is family doing?” I asked a little bit in fear, anticipating some kind of bad news for the way Chetachi’s face looks is not good at all!
“My mum is fine, all she does every day is dish out food at 10 minutes intervals saying we should feast so people won’t think we do not have money to feast this season. Can’t you see how fat I’ve grown these two weeks since we last saw each other?”
“Odiegwu o! I thought I was the only one eating like a gluttony. MikeDaddy does the same thing o, overfeeding me with a sorts of food especially the local delicacies like “Nkwobi and catfish peppersoup as he misses such meals. Funny he never finishes his plate always passing them to me like I am a dustbin! He said he wants me to eat and look fresh for him. Imagine!”
“I can imagine! By the way how does Mikedaddy treat you? Hope he gives you money and takes you shopping and stuffs like that?”
“Haba, Chetachi! It’s not like that now. See we are in love, he even mentioned me coming over to visit him overseas before we settle down! In fact I see marriage in the picture soon. So I am not bothered if he gives me money or not. I know he will cater for me anyways. Besides, why do you ask?!”
“Hmm, my sister o! It’s Odemba. Since he came back he has been so stingy to me. You know I don’t sleepover because he insists he needs his privacy; I go from my mum’s house to Owerre every day and each time I am going back home, he gives me a miserly money as transport fare. Nothing else! The worst of all he keeps taking me to this multimillion naira house he is building showing me receipts of things he bought for the house. I don’t know why he cannot be generous to me!” Chetachi’s frustration is quite evident. I really don’t know why though for she has other men on her list that could be generous to her. Still trying to know the best way to console her I kept quiet for a few seconds.
“The truth is he keeps asking about you and saying how pretty my cousin is. So I came up with a plan.
“What plan please?”
“I want you to chat him up on Facebook.”
“Wait! What?!”
“Yes! That’s because he likes you a lot, perhaps if you sleep with him he will be very generous to you, you can tell him you are jobless and need capital to start a trade and any money he gives you we will split in 2.”
“What?!!!!”
“What is “What?!” Every time you will be doing ‘Mary-Amaka’. Aren’t you f^^kIng MikeDaddy for free? Is my Offer not better? You won’t regret it o! This guy is a billionaire. O Ji Ego! He just needs someone like you that catches his fancy to spend his money on!”
“Chetachi stop this nonsense talk! I will do no such thing!”
“Odiegwu o! If I don’t know you better I would think you are a virgin. You are doing free service with your toto. You better make good use of your talent!”
“Chetachi, I forgive you because I know you have never ever wanted me to know any of your male friends so now you are suggesting I sleep with one of them for money I believe it is not normal you at all! So I will just walk away and back to my love and assume this was just a joke. Bye!”
“It is not a joke o! The house rent will soon expire in a few weeks and we need money for that! How do you think I pay the rent? By free service?! You better find a House for us with your free service to MikeDaddy!”
“See you in a week’s time. Bye!”

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“Chetachi please come home quickly! Adanna our cousin has been admitted to the Hospital. Come let’s go together to see her please, her brother just called now, he need us to stay with her while he rushes back home to get money for the bills…. Ok, please hurry!”

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“What could be the problem now?”
“Chetachi, the doctor said he does not know exactly why Adanna’s stomach keeps bloating and the scan is not revealing much. He also said it seems she has reached her pain threshold judging from the way she’s been screaming and as such an emergency explorative surgery will be carried out on her. Now she would need blood for that so we were asked to go for blood test as we are her relatives.”
“Ok, they can have my blood for test then. You know how much I hate needles but I will do this for Adanna.”
“Ok, go ahead over there. I have given mine for test too. I want to go pick up my results from the gynaecologist I visited last week.”
“Why now? You don catch “craw-craw” Abi na wetin?! You sef dey do “Without”. Haha! I thought you were too educated for that as you told me months back!”
“my sister o! Mike daddy was so persuasive I swear. I made sure we ran STD test though! I did not know it tastes this good “without”.
“Yes na! Haha! Welcome to the club!”
“Well am back, the doctor said it’s a mild case of vaginosis and not alarming, but I have good news too!”
“What? Wait, you are ……”
“Pregnant!” We both chorused.
“Whoa! Sharp girl now you have MikeDaddy all to yourself. Congrats. No wonder you’ve gained much weight these few months and I thought it was because you overfed this past season.
“Thanks, let me call “babydaddy” immediately!”
“Hello love! Guess what?! I am pregnant…………… What?!......... I mean it! No Way! ……..Wait, What?! What Exactly do you mean? …………… Hello?! Hello?!!!
“What did he say?” – Chetachi rushed to my sides steadying me into a chair nearby as my knees were too weak.
“He asked if am joking?”
“What?!”
“He said he does not trust me and asked why it took me so long to find out, he also said I lied about going to see my cousin during his visit that he is certain my cousin was in Port Harcourt that day and must have thought he is a fool sleeping around with other men behind his back.”
“Wait, What?! He said that?!”
“He asked if I was a kid, Shouldn’t I know what to do. He thought I knew something, obviously I don’t as I allowed a random man impregnate me. Asked me never to call his number again and hung up on me.”
“Jisos! Chim O! You that kept yourself “Holy-Nwaeje” for him! Men are truly wicked o! See na?! my offer was better afterall!”
“Please leave me alone. I am too weak I might faint. I need to breathe please.”
“See do not fret o! We will try something. But wait a minute, did I not tell you once about my after sex routines to prevent getting pregnant? You think me am stupid when I said I do rush quickly to the bathroom, squat and wash off every deposits and afterwards take concentrated salt solution or “Parle Soda” water or even chew hot pepper.”
“I never knew I would need such crude methods or any kind of contraceptive! Two years ago the doctor told me my hormone profile showed am anuovulatory…………….”
“Stop all these big big grammar, see now how you threw away all your education and my offer for a “Yeye” man. It is well. Don’t worry I will help you”.
“I won’t abort!” I screamed too loud.
“Shhh! Lower your voice, the thing is you don’t listen to me, afterwards you will regret. I have been in this game for a while now. I know how to handle men stuffs like this. Calm down ok?”
“What is that buzzing sound” I shouted irritably.
“Oh, it’s the laboratory buzzer signalling our results are ready. Wait here I will go pick them up. I hope one of us would be a match for Adanna.”
“What took you so long Chetachi?”
“My blood group matched.”
“Great, Adanna can be prepped for surgery soon”
“We will buy cold blood.”
“Why?”
“I am HIV Positive!”
“Shhh! Keep quiet don’t crack such jokes. Gimme that result.”
“I knew it, the way he kept insisting on “without. “ He kept bringing in other girls whenever I leave. The hotel receptionist warned me. That girl warned me! His ugly nose that I endured looking at!”
“His ugly nose!” I was surprised that’s all that came to Chetachi’s mind at this time.
”Yes, his ugly nose. He is ugly, very very ugly, heart and soul ugly, bone and flesh ugly, very very ugly, he had a monstrous look and I endured all that! He hates Chicken and fish. Imagine! Who hates chicken and fish during Christmas? Something was fishy about him. Something fishy, something very fishy. I have to go catch a fish at Otamiri river”
“Wait, What?! Chetachi are you alright?! Wait!!! Hold On!!! I can’t run so fast. Please wait. Don’t hurt yourself please! We can find solutions to these unhealthy things we did during the Xmas season.”

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This post was inspired by the contest set up by @air-clinic