Above is Judd, my beloved sideburned chicken that refuses to be called anything but Judd despite the fact that she is female. For Human Judd's Sake, this bird has no actual relation to Judd Weiss other than name and cool sideburns

We started a new farming adventure about a year ago, poultry farming. We got some chickens, ducks and quail and have spent the last year learning a lot and honestly losing a lot in our ventures. I’ve decided to make a list of some of the more memorable or important things I’ve learned over this last year.

1. Chickens are assholes: Actually, birds are honestly pretty picky about who they spend time with and more than half of my job as a chicken farmer has involved being referee, that is breaking up fights. It also involves establishing my role in the pecking order when they do things like attack my hands during feeding time. That results in me squishing them down (just enough to imobilize them, not interested in hurting them) and pulling a few neck feathers out, chicken style. Sometimes if there is a hose around I’ll spray them down as chickens hate being wet and will sometimes get distracted from fighting to clean themselves. All else fails separate them.

**This is Hugo Verde, my asshole muscovy duck that's been a bit sassy lately to say the least. **

1. Ducks are nasty: Even at a young age ducks know how to make a mess like no ones business. They backwash into their water every time they drink and they drink while they eat out of instinct being water loving birds making for some gross water. They also like to bathe in the water they drink, especially pecking ducks. I have one pecking duck and even more than his favorite food he loves a clean bowl of water.

2. Chickens will eat nearly anything, including each other: I’ve been straight floored at what chickens are willing to eat. They love bugs, live and dead, cooked food, raw food, food scraps, sink scraps, cheese, kombucha scoby...mangoes and the bugs that infest rotten ones. Eggs, cooked or raw.

3. Chickens are fast: Give them any opportunity and they will take it from charging at you when you open an enclosure to the way they run when you’re chasing them around after they’ve escaped. I’ve been downright floored at how fast even baby chickens run when they mean to. Chickens don’t generally bother flying but if they think it’ll help they’ll launch themselves in the air and glide on their wings covering huge distances in short time especially on a mountain top.

4. Birds are racist: When it comes to other birds, birds can be racist dicks. They generally like to stay in flocks of similar breed and fighting is really common when you mix birds. Certain breeds will be targeted more than others and some will be more aggressive than others. If a bird is introduced to a flock and it looks different at all (hell, it might not even look different) that flock is likely to attack it and beat it up. Naked necked chickens are famous for this, you generally have to keep them away from other birds or they get hyper aggressive unless it’s a special situation.

5. Birds are chatty: I’ve had little chirping conversations with the quail, who will tilt their heads in response and chirp back. The chickens do this sort of screech song that I’ll sometimes do back and forth with them, sometimes just while I’m in the house looking down at them or while I’m working with them. Certain birds like Judd I’ll pick up and talk to for a little while. I have my favorites named and their names generally stick when the bird recognizes it. I’ve got one named Ginger and she knows that’s her, her roommate is Santa who has just figured out her name. Judd won’t allow herself to be called anything else despite the fact that we found out she was a she and not a he (she’s named after Judd Weiss because of her signature sideburns).

A Nice Rooster we have on the property that we've named Kevin. He is pretty and treats his hens with respect, so he stays

1. Bird personalities are just as diverse as people personalities: You’ve got your assholes, your wimps, your friendly flufferbutts. They all have personality and we’ve noticed the flocks actually have different personality as well between them even if they’re in the same area. We keep our birds in small enclosures that fit anywhere from 2-6 chickens in them. Some are more energetic and wild whereas some are more focused on food and affection than anything else.

2. Pecking Order is Serious Business: I didn’t expect something as simple as say, adding a bird to an enclosure to be such a big deal in chicken world. Turns out they won’t get along if they’re chickens just because they’re chickens. They’re actually more likely to fight to the death than get along. Sometimes pecking order is established quickly, with a few literal pecks and a couple of chest bumps ending in a friendship like in the recent case of Ginger and Santa.

3. Birds can be vicious: This is similar to the first one but important because I can’t tell you how many birds we’ve found dead or injured due to bird on bird violence. Literally even our chicks less than 12 hours out of the egg were pecking at each other. I’ve mentioned a chicken named Ginger who is a red naked neck, meaning she has a naturally bare neck which kind of makes her look like a tiny turkey. I put another naked neck and one other bird in her enclosure and the next day found her in the corner bleeding out missing half of the back of her head. I took her, disinfected her wounds and isolated her for like 2 months and she’s fine and laying eggs again, now with a new friend. Not only that but they’re effective, I’ve got a decent cut on my cheek from a peck from Roo before we killed him yesterday.

The chicken above is Fro, she passed away over a year ago but was my favourite because of her sassy personality and cool fro.

1. Chicken owners come in two breeds: snowflakes and assholes.

Snowflakes are generally those that keep them as pets or for show and are always opposed to killing, even if its a mercy thing for a suffering and dying animal. They’re known for reporting peaceful homesteaders online for posting about humane slaughter. They take to the forums to ask how to deal with aggressive or mean birds, always getting upset when someone suggests a dinner plate.

Assholes are the more realistic type, understanding that everything dies. Many assholes harvest their birds before they get a chance to get old and sick in the most humane way possible. Asshole chicken farmers are good at making fun of the dirty tasks given to them. But they’re called asshole farmers because when an asshole chicken farmer is faced with an aggressive rooster or duck, they fight that fucker instead of letting him hurt them or their family. I’ve personally had to slap around most of my chickens and have had to carry a few around with my hand around their throat to remind them who’s boss. Birds respect that and generally give up the aggression when you stand up for yourself. If they don’t they’re dinner.

1. Birds die easily. From dehydration, sickness, attack birds are squishy and die more easily than expected. We aren’t sure on how many birds we have lost but we know it’s a lot, much more than we’re comfortable with especially considering how few we have eaten. If you are interested in getting birds familiarize yourself with symptoms of common illnesses before getting them because you will have to deal with just about everything at some point and it’s worth knowing how to treat things. Stuff like the common cold can be prevented but it can also be treated with things in your kitchen like garlic and black pepper.

Now that we’ve officially had our first slaughter of birds as of yesterday I can say that my feelings on meat and farming meat have not changed. The goal should always be to give them the best life and honestly death as possible. Do your best to treat them well and waste nothing when it comes time for harvest. Show the proper respect and remember that a life has been taken to provide your fried chicken, or whatever meat based dish you’re eating.

I’ve learned a lot this last year, some of it surprising. I didn’t expect to like the personalities of chickens as much as I do. While I’m not sure I’d want to do this scale of chicken farming forever I do think I would like to always have some birds around if I can, even if it’s only a few quail in a small space.

Did you enjoy this post? Check out the links below for more like this one!

Farm Update: Chicken Imitates Judd Weiss with Awesome Feather Sideburns
Farm Update: Chicken Babies Have Hatched!
Farm Update: She's Gone Broody (Side-burned Chicken Sitting on Eggs)

In case you missed them, some of my recent posts:

How to Make Raw Overnight Oats
Acapulco's Best Kept Secret: Palma Sola Archeological Site 8
Our First Chicken Harvest: Story and Roast Recipe

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