My response to #EcoTrain QOTW-- Share a story about a life challenge...
When I read this question, I was wondering which of my story should I be going ahead with for this post. When I reflect on this question I can think of so many situations in my life which have been extremely challenging. For sure everything is very smooth as of now, but couple of years ago I was feeling like Life was a total drama and there was always something back to back happening. With all of that I also had a lot of suicidal tendencies. But thank god I could come out of all of it. Thinking about all the situations, I will shortlist on the challenges that I have faced in my Marriage and the struggle to keep it going.
Everything looks very beautiful as of now in my family life and it genuinely is but it was not always like this. It has taken a great amount of work to reach to this stage and I am happy that it has all worked out.
I got married at a very early age of 21 and my husband was 24, honestly I thought I was ready for the marriage but few years down the line I realized that it happened too early, we could have taken some time to first settle down and then go ahead with the marriage, but it was all done so there was no point then thinking about it.
After marriage I lived in a joint family with my in-laws which was again one more test for me. When you live with in-laws then there is a different level of expectation from you. Though at that stage it was all new so everything was fine. But gradually as I was growing up I had my own thoughts at play.
I was a very shy and quiet type of a person at the time of marriage but gradually as I started with my job and taking up more responsibilities of life my character started changing, people around me were not able to accept that change within me. They always wanted to see me as the timid soft spoken person who would not have much of her opinion and follow everyone what they would want in the house.
So this is where the daily drama started. I started turning out to be a rude and uncaring person to them. My Son was also growing up and I never wanted him to be effected by any of this daily drama at home but it is so difficult when you live in one house. Years were passing by and the stress level kept on increasing at home. All of this had also created a lot of distance between me and my hubby. At one point of time we decided that if we are not able to cope up with each other we should separate. But again irrespective of everything happening around us we both loved each other a lot and could not imagine out life without each other. Another thing was I already had a broken home in my childhood and I had decided that I will never show such a thing to my child.
The biggest problem that was creeping up between us was lack of communication. I was getting closed more and more with each day with all the drama, I would not want to openly speak to him and so was the case with him. Many a times I would think that I could not take it anymore and wanted to end my life but then always my Son was there to withdraw me from that thought.
Almost 15 years of my marriage went like this. I was feeling like it is a never ending thing and I cannot any further continue living in so much stress and unpleasant environment all the time. Me and my husband also gave a thought to moving out of the house but there were many things that did not allow us to do that even.
Emotionally and Mentally I was always drained out. All of this was effecting my professional life also and there was a standstill in that part of life which was also frustrating.
There came a point of time when I was very much fed up and just wanted myself to get out of this. I knew ending up life was not the solution, moving out of the house was not possible so the only option I had left was to detach myself from everything that was happening around me.
When you live together under one roof with people it is not easy to also detach yourself completely but I was making an effort with all the inner work that I had started. I wanted to reach to a point that even if something is happening or someone is saying anything to me I will not get effected.
I was taking a lot of external help to build up myself and I was seeing that it was working, though on and off I would slip but I would come out fast again and be able to not get pulled down.
Again it is not very easy to go blind with people in the same house, and when you do that all the more you get attacked and the same was happening with me. I would detach myself and the drama would increase more and more. When you do not give too much of energy to people that they are seeking their frustration also builds up and they would act more forcefully.
I can say that with my inner work I could bring a lot of peace within me, I could see I became more and more quiet, I stopped reacting and to an extent it also stopped effecting me. I was actually feeling lighter and I realized that so much of my energy I had given over in years and allowed so much of negativity to build around me.
Finally 4 years ago my Husband got this job opportunity in another country, without putting any second thought we decided to take it up and move ahead. I felt like this was my prayer answered to get away from the house and everyone. Though I was aware that this move would cost me a lot, I had to sacrifice my career and start all over again, but by then I was already on the path of learning healing modalities and all that I felt this opportunity is a new beginning of my life.
Sadly my mother in law who for all the time never was happy with us in the house could not really accept that we were now moving out and it took a lot of toll on her health and in a year's time she passed away.
When I reflect back on the passed years I really feel that it has been such a long long journey and so much of learning. When I think of my Mother in Law now I do not have any hard feelings for her, I just feel that she was a hard teacher to me probably to push me in the direction where I am today. If everything would have been rosy and comfortable may be I would have never thought of the other side of life. Like many I would have been busy with the daily affairs, job, family and that's it. So I am also grateful to her in a way that because of her hard actions I have been able to flip the side of me and get onto the path of Spirituality. We had a love and hate relationship, there were times when she would be extra loving and caring and it was genuine I could feel it, but those times were less. Her problem was she would get influenced very fast and then she would not think what is right and wrong. She was always more concerned about what people will say and think. At times she had to be treated like a child. I used to feel drained out having conversations with her and then I just wanted to not do all of that anymore, again and again it was repeating. So the best solution for me was to go quiet, quiet just not verbally but getting quiet at mind also. At the end I used to empathize with her. I knew she had her own challenges and the only outflow she has was towards me. I did not feel that was justified but then again it was like if not me then who, I was the closest person to her. In her end days she would reach out to me lovingly, I knew she loved me a lot and that was also one of the reason why we did not want to leave her alone but when things blew up we had no choice.
I used to always feel that life has been very unfair to me, firstly a broken parent's home, a shattered childhood then a troublesome marriage, problems at work and so much. I felt like I had all the problems in the world but in my journey I realized that all these lessons came to me for my own growth, the more I opposed the stronger their effects were, as I learned and accepted them they started dissolving.
Everything in life happens with a reason, there are many lessons that one needs to go through. Sometimes I really feel that I have a lot to learn and also a lot of Karma to balance and hence I have been put through all these challenging situations and people. Whatever it is I have learnt to take life as is and not get bogged down with anything anymore. In all challenges of life there is no one who can help you out to come out of it, the only help is self-help. Till the time we decide to be in the problem we will be, but the moment we decide to get out of it doors will open up and there will be a pathway, sometimes it will be clear and sometimes it will be hazy, the more inner-work we do the path gets clearer and the inner voice gets louder. When we stop playing the victim mode only then can we progress in every way.
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