🌟Through Steem, I Am Emotionally Healing Parts Of Myself🌟
This blockchain keeps giving me surprise gifts through all the amazing transformations that take place on it and within me.
This time, it got as personal as it can get.
REALLY.
A couple of weeks ago, I was scrolling through my feed and stumbled upon @fknmayhem's post where he describes a 12 day sprint in hospital and how this pretty horrible experience was the catalyst to being back in touch with his family, whom he hasn't spoken to in over 2 decades.
And upon reading his words, two things struck me :
OH MY GOD, FKN ARE YOU OKAY?
Holy shit, this has struck a nerve
You see, I haven't had contact with my father for the past year and a half.
And reading this story, sort of made me realize even deeper that this story could possibly well be my story in the years to come and that I am not alone in this.
It is an extreme thing to cut off from a family member, let alone my father but it was so needed.
I made a conscious choice to only allow loving and accepting relationship in my life and he just wasn't making the cut.
Emotionally verbal-shitting on me every time I saw him and just an obvious projecting of his own life-pain onto me, because I am an easy target because I am his daughter.
The actual moment that I let go of him was actually very fleeting and it wasn't like I had planned on it happening.
He was just being a general shit, insulting me and being extremely patronizing to me and I just decided that I had had enough.
Told him that I loved him but that I would only allow him to be a part of my life if he can have a relationship with me that is based in love and acceptance.
Anything less than that is not acceptable.
He replied with something completely off topic clearly not understanding that I was serious and I walked away.
And that was the last time I saw him.
We have had a bit of contact of the months but it was either very straightforward or just very ridiculous.
Like when he sends me a Christmas message via FB even though we are not friends on there.
Or calls me to tell me that a bill has arrived on his doorstep for me, which I tell him you don't have to call, you can just e-mail me.
Or the last time, when he found out I was going to spend Christmas with my beloved stepmum (whom he hates) and sent me messages saying how disappointing I am and how this is a very costly Xmas for me because he doesn't want to see me anymore. He had apparently completely forgotten that I didn't want to see him in the first place and that it was my decision to not have contact.
A fake dramatic 'sort of' break up while that had actually already happened for me a long time ago.
It is just very interesting.
All of it.
Because it makes me see so much about him and myself.
Every time he tries to make me feel bad by sending me horrible messages, I actually go a bit crazy for a while and then calm down and send him lots of love and tell him how much I care about him.
Kill 'em with kindness right?
Taken by @suzanalberts
But back to @fknmayhem, I've been talking to him on steemit.chat for the past week and his openness about his situation which has allowed a deeper layer of healing to take place.
A few nights ago, I came home from work after having chatted with Fkn during the day and had a beautiful cry at the dinner table, holding my man's hand.
Because for how much of a shit my father is, I still love him.
And I always will.
And my heart bleeds for him.
Because through him being him (he also has Asperger's syndrome), he will never get to experience the love that I am luckily to have in my life.
He carries so much pain, hurt and anger with him, it is such a heavy load to carry but he just fails to work on it.
And turns a blind eye to it.
It saddens me that I cannot share all my moments with him because I have show much to tell him and to show him what I am doing.
It just makes me very sad to think about how I will never have a normal relationship with him because he just won't let me in.
And this is exactly the reason why @fknmayhem's story touched me so.
Even after two decades of not talking, his father reached out and is just there.
And that's pretty much all we need in life.
That you are there.
And a few other things.
But the basis is that you are there.
And my father isn't here.
Or there.
Or anywhere physically in my life.
Even though my heart holds a ton of love for him and I am eternally grateful for this whole experience (however shitty and horrible it can be at times) because it shows me so much about myself.
He is my greatest teacher.
My emotional mirror.
And for that, I love him even more.
However ironic that may be.
And this is how the Steem blockchain is healing me.
Letting me transform the dark spots of my life into bright light spaces that will allow even more love to enter my being.
Here's to @fknmayhem
Here's to my father being who he is (even though he will never read this post)
Here's to being open
BIG love,
Ashley
My LoveProject is @humansofsteemit! Featuring the humans behind the Steemit usernames!
Some wounds need time. Somebody asked me not that long ago if the time to reach out to my parents had come. My answer couldn’t have been a more resolute and swift “NO” than it was.
Then, then came that phone call. I immediately recognized the voice. It wasn’t that my mind wasn’t occupied with other things and that the potential conflicts, and blames and whatevers, were something I needed right then. These expectations impossible to meet. That profile and life modeled on his. I had other things on my mind. Absolutely.
I mean I was hospitalized with pneumonia, in my third day and the accounting department was yapping at me more than the doctors. Queue fever, uncertainty about paying for medication, and just being horribly sick.
Yet, upon hearing that voice I almost welled up. Alright, alright... I don’t well up. But I had something in my throat and for the first time in years I was made speechless. At least for some seconds.
More than two decades. I discovered a new father since. An older and much more tolerant person. A person who also has gone through the school of hard knocks. A person who now I sometimes see struggle, even in email, but who still manages to say “it’s your life, your choices and I truly hope it will work for you, you have our support”.
Is there still a patronizing touch? I couldn’t say, altho it doesn’t feel like that. Instead I notice curiosity, a desire to find mutual paths, a desire mostly to catch up and while we can never make up for lost time... we still have years ahead to enjoy together.
More than 20 years had passed.
Many of which I often thought about how he always was my idol but best for our relationship was lots of distance in between.
Your ability to allow yourself, also allow yourself to share here, and your insight in his own limitations will help you through this.
It isn’t easy, it won’t be easy but you know something. Based on that knowledge, if you can find the strength to at times think “it’s not his fault, he can’t help this reaction” and to not allow yourself to be hurt right then but be more mellow in reaction will guide you through those moments.
And possibly bring both of you together again. Sometimes we need to be a great chameleon. As we age, and most often also mellow, it becomes more natural a reflex to most of us.
Good luck.
WOAH,
⭐❤⭐
No words for this beautiful comment!
<3
Lil speechless over here
his comment is an essay, XD
Ash is my spirit animal and one of many glorious STEEM wives.
<3
Hahaha
yup yup
<3
Nice one, its good you depicted positivity masked and coated with negativity...thanks for the piece..i followed you, please do come around my site anytime
You sucked me n @ashlekalila
It's not easy to share such personal experiences and emotions, especially if it has to do with someone as important and close to the heart as one's father.
Reading through your post, I was wishing throughout that it would end the way it ended for @fknmayhem...
Perhaps it's not yet time for you and your father to be close and in touch again.
I wish, however, that the day comes when your father heals and reaches out and you understand his earnestness and your relationship becomes exactly what a daughter-father relationship should be - one of comfort and love and happiness.
This totally resonates. I had this kind of relationship with my dad but we are good now. And so alike. Having a kid is what made the switch in the relationship for me.
But Steemit is kind of a healing place for me too. The blogging aspect of it really helps. Puting the mess from the head on the paper really helps sort things out.
wow...great post @ashleykalila i like your post to much. thanks for sharing post.
To hear the speech version of this post click the play image.
Brought to you by @tts. If you find it useful please consider upvote this reply.
ouch , every word of the blog got me , it was so heart touching , the story of @fknmayhem , is just a proof , that whatever happens, family is family , blood is blood , i cannot say i know how sad it feels because been brought u with a complete family and of courae a father that i am so proud of and i love with all of me . i might just say that , this painful experience is happening to my son , Zeph , afyer he was born his father left me , after that they see each other again after 5 years , after that non anymore , that's why i can also relate on this , but hoping that Zeph and his father will be just ok once they met again
With yours miss @ashleykalila , seeing your smile and fun on your face qhen i see your blogs , i never thought that you have this pain in you. but i will pray that you and your father will have peaceful and loving relationship again , but as i googled the asperger syndrome , it's about problem on social skills , so now i understand the situation better
For you miss ashley , i admire how you still love him so much despite of everything , please continue that , that's what he needs , i love you even more miss ashley
Stay strong stay beautiful in and out
much love 😘❤️❤️❤️