Some wounds need time. Somebody asked me not that long ago if the time to reach out to my parents had come. My answer couldn’t have been a more resolute and swift “NO” than it was.

Then, then came that phone call. I immediately recognized the voice. It wasn’t that my mind wasn’t occupied with other things and that the potential conflicts, and blames and whatevers, were something I needed right then. These expectations impossible to meet. That profile and life modeled on his. I had other things on my mind. Absolutely.

I mean I was hospitalized with pneumonia, in my third day and the accounting department was yapping at me more than the doctors. Queue fever, uncertainty about paying for medication, and just being horribly sick.

Yet, upon hearing that voice I almost welled up. Alright, alright... I don’t well up. But I had something in my throat and for the first time in years I was made speechless. At least for some seconds.

More than two decades. I discovered a new father since. An older and much more tolerant person. A person who also has gone through the school of hard knocks. A person who now I sometimes see struggle, even in email, but who still manages to say “it’s your life, your choices and I truly hope it will work for you, you have our support”.

Is there still a patronizing touch? I couldn’t say, altho it doesn’t feel like that. Instead I notice curiosity, a desire to find mutual paths, a desire mostly to catch up and while we can never make up for lost time... we still have years ahead to enjoy together.

More than 20 years had passed.

Many of which I often thought about how he always was my idol but best for our relationship was lots of distance in between.

Your ability to allow yourself, also allow yourself to share here, and your insight in his own limitations will help you through this.

It isn’t easy, it won’t be easy but you know something. Based on that knowledge, if you can find the strength to at times think “it’s not his fault, he can’t help this reaction” and to not allow yourself to be hurt right then but be more mellow in reaction will guide you through those moments.

And possibly bring both of you together again. Sometimes we need to be a great chameleon. As we age, and most often also mellow, it becomes more natural a reflex to most of us.

Good luck.