What is Patriarchy: a society led by men or a society led by fear and a feeling of scarcity which happens to be an environment in which the masculine takes charge?
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Well, this is a big topic. And it always surprises me how controversial it is. It's something I have been passionate about for a long time. I have been known to shout, Smash the Patriarchy!! Honestly I think saying things like that defeats the whole purpose, though. I no longer believe in fighting fire with fire.
To directly answer the question, technically speaking a patriarchy is a family or social system run by men. I want to talk a little about what it has come to mean and how it has manifested. I don't want to spend a whole lot of time on the consequences of patriarchy because the question is about what patriarchy actually is, not what it leads to, but it's basically the source of most, if not all, of our societal problems, including sexism, racism, capitalism, poverty, and destruction of the planet. And of course also the horrible lot of children these days. As I talk about how patriarchy has evolved, perhaps it will become more clear how this is so. If not, perhaps it will be the source of another post.
My first substantial revelation about patriarchy came during my first visit to Belize. We were studying howler monkeys, who also have a patriarchal social system. There is one adult male per troop. He essentially has a harem of females. As the male baby monkeys get closer to adulthood, the dominant male kicks them out of the troop. That juvenile will then choose a troop (sometimes the one they were born in) and challenge the male for possession of the troop. If the juvenile wins the fight, he takes over and immediately kills all nurslings so the females can get pregnant again. I was laying in bed one night thinking about how intense that is, and I realized that is the source of the vast laws and cultural norms in human society restricting women and children. Going far back before the evolution of man even, the masculine job is to protect and provide for the females and the children. Not wanting to provide for offspring from another man and seeking to ensure the continuation of their own genes, men had to control women's actions using their physical strength and emotionally manipulate and subjugate them in order to ensure those babies they're paying to feed are actually theirs. This is why women's sexuality, in particular, is so heavily controlled. Sometimes I wonder how much we've actually evolved. Even now men are studs and women are sluts. And a vagina after sex 100 times with one man is fine, but a vagina after sex with 20 different men is floppy and ruined.
This juvenile male showed up in our back yard. I'm pretty sure he had recently been exiled.
So I see patriarchy as a system of controlling women. And it has evolved but not in a good direction. As I searched a few sites for definitions of patriarchy, I came across a whole lot of butt hurt men whining about how feminists are just complaining and trying to take over the world. They actually think that because women can vote and drive cars, patriarchy no longer exists. I wish I was kidding. I actually read those words. When you've been in power, any hint at equality feels like oppression I guess.
I believe the definition of patriarchy that makes the most sense to me is a world ruled by toxic masculinity. The patriarchy seeks to control all - women, children, the weak, the marginalized, the "other," the poor, the planet. And in that drive to total and complete domination, anything feminine is bad and weak. You know, crazy stuff like emotions, compassion, cooperation, listening, understanding. The feminine is only good in the way that it serves men, mostly their penises. And all things masculine are wonderful. This is why violence is always seen as the best way to solve a problem. Hence arming teachers as a solution to school shootings. Strength, control, power, domination. It has actually devolved from simply wanting to ensure the continuation of your DNA to needing to completely control everything as the means to that goal. It has devolved into an unquenchable thirst for power.
In truth toxic masculinity damages everyone, but I have to say here that listening to a ton of focus on how toxic masculinity harms men too irritates me, and it points right to patriarchy. Women have been oppressed and abused as long as there have been humans, but in order to get the attention it deserves, we have to talk about how it affects the poor men of the world. Honestly it's men centering themselves yet again. And I'm not saying it doesn't do damage because I'm a mom of two boys. I know the damage it does, but it hurts women a lot, and we have no power to change it. Toxic masculinity is taking masculine qualities to the extreme dark edges and leaving no room for any sense of balance. Actual masculinity of course isn't like that, but shifting would require acknowledging the beauty of the balance with the feminine and giving up total and complete control. In essence I believe the push to subjugate women has also resulted in men subjugating their own feminine aspects.
Contrary to the delusions of the men's rights activists, feminists do not seek to take over the world (remember ladies, don't mention the MEETINGS or let any man see your cauldron!) What we seek is balance. In particular, I am passionate about honoring the feminine. There are plenty of women who are part of the patriarchy in that they are part of pushing the agenda of toxic masculinity and having power and control, ahem ... Hilary Clinton. Mostly they seek to be allowed to be part of that culture. So, technically I think people should be allowed to do whatever they want, but my vision for feminism is that we shift to a world that honors the gifts feminine energy brings to the table. Honor the feminine and stop trying to control women. Unbridled power does not bring happiness, and it doesn't make you attractive. The balance is very attractive, and what's more this is what will bring an end to toxic masculinity and ultimately the patriarchy.
I hope you enjoyed my answer. I'd love to hear your thoughts and discuss the topic. Just know that if you're a men's rights activist, I will rip your pitiful arguments to shreds. Just a heads up.
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I am a true men's activist, i want the rights to be a true man. I like to cut the wood and make the fire. I love to connect with my female side which is life by definition, feminity is everywhere where life manifest and denying that part in us is 100% suicidal.
Now rip me to shreds, demolish all my layers and balanced beauty will manifest because that is what true men are
If you are convicting and judging men, you are not better than them, be passionate, be loving, be what you are, a true woman
With utter respect and lots of fun with this reply, it was a beautiful post
Only when we rip through all those layers will we find the gorgeous, gooey center revealed.
I honestly have similar preferences. Masculinity can look like a lot of things, but like I said, I'm ready for a world that honors feminine energy, expressed by women or men. I love to cook and keep shit clean, and I'm a badass mom. I totally want someone else chopping wood and carrying heavy shit. I'm so ready for a world that values all that. I do like making fires, though.
You're right that denying that balance is suicidal. So many of the problems we see are a result of just that.
I only judge the men's rights activists. If you don't know who they are, they're the ones who think all feminists are nazis trying to take over the world with their secret witchy ways and are simultaneously whiny babies who can't accept they didn't get a job because they weren't qualified or get paid less because they're weak and lame. You can find quite a few of them on here. I just wanted them to know they better bring their best game if they want to do verbal battle with me on this topic. Bless their hearts they deserve a warning. God knows I'm nothing if not passionate.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, Bubke. Thanks for stopping by. <3
Really shocked by some people one here who I've debated with calling feminists stupid and crazy then have the cheek to make a post about what divine feminist and masculinity is. Just goes to show that ppl will write anything for an upvote bit not actually be able to act what they preach.
It's fascinating to me the whole backlash against feminism thing. I just can't understand seeing feminism as bad. It's the whole "equality looks like tyranny when you've been the oppressor" thing I guess. But then you have to find a way to not look like an asshole I guess.
There's nothing wrong with being a man. We women like men to hold the door for us and carry our heavy bags in to the train, it makes us like jelly for you guys ( it's really that easy ,yes) We just want all men ( and women) to remember how they like women, how they need them and how to give them and the feminine qualities in all of us the space they deserve.
You are right Clara, i was too fast in my reaction and didn't absorb fully what you were saying. The true message is in the last 2 lines, i was bounced off by '...how they like and need them...'
Oh, I didn't even read the first reply yet. Yes, I fully acknowledge how it's the feminine qualities in BOTH men and women that are suppressed By BOTH men AND women, darling. I was cheering you on :-)
Off course there is nothing wrong with being a man :-)
"We just want...."
No expectations Clara
The expectation that the subjugation of women end and the honoring of feminine energy begin is a reasonable one. She's not asking men to be a certain way. She is asking for an end to toxic masculinity.
You're right, i owe her an apology, thanks for pointing it out.
You just totally and completely swooned my heart @bubke.
Yes, I do definitely have expectations there. Of both men AND women, to acknowledge feminine qualities and give them the space/rewards whatever they need. For women specifically, but also men with feminine qualities it is very important to be acknowledged as they have been under-acknowledged for so long. So yes, please DO tell them you need them, like them etc, there's absolutely no shame in that. Yay for femininity!
Who or what controls this patriarchy thing you describe here?
The patriarchy troll. Duh.
I don't know. Who controls racism?
so patriarchy controls all evil perpetrated on human beings.
Patriarchy is not a person. It is a social construct perpetuated by people and upheld through institutions.
I was joking about the troll thing.
This is fantastic! It's very telling that the generally accepted concept of equality is "allowing" the disenfranchised to participate in cishetpatriarchy and institutional racism, the mentality of "I'm not sexist or racist because I would (begrudgingly) accept a warmongering, imperialist, exploitative businesswoman of color." We must dismantle toxic masculinity in the same breath as capitalism (looking at you "an"caps) and racism, all of which stem from the patriarchal need for hierarchy and control. So long as (cw) rape culture, prison slave-labor, pervasive ableism, imperialist warmongering, homelessness and starvation persist, WE CAN AND MUST RESIST!
Thank you so very much! So lovely that someone totally gets it! And you put it so perfectly. I don't want to be "allowed" to participate in that system. I want it dismantled. I really think patriarchy is the source of it all, mostly because it's the oldest, but it has manifested in so many other disturbing avenues. I would love to read more on solutions from the an-com perspective since I don't know a lot about it. Thanks for coming over and commenting. It is very appreciated.
this is so good and i saved yours to read until last because i knew you also grew up in the church and that you'd have some interesting things to say because of that. i feel like those of us who grow up in the church, if we start to see it for what it is, really have a strong reaction to this because we were so heavily imprinted with it when we were young. for me, i've moved through a lot of anger and rage around these subjects and feel very similarly to you. we need a complete dismantling of the system... not integrating into it in any way...embrace that cauldron and live around the men who love you for that.
hahaha interestingly enough this is a large portion of the approach i took in writing this QOTW. you'll have to read mine (if you want) and let me know if it irritates you. i wrote it with the consciousness in mind that i was centering them, which is itself a part of patriarchy...
but truly, like you said when you went to the blogs and the men were all butthurt and writing things that point to the fact that they clearly don't get it... i realize that my deep fire so much wants to smash the patriarchy (and i have that energy, too), but i know that they can't hear that. and, yes it's catering to them, but how can anything change if they don't hear?
to me, it is still fighting fire with fire if we don't help them understand. and i'll say, in my real life, i am much less catering and just go about my business surrounding myself with people who support women, but i guess something about the steemit audience brought that out in me. perhaps many people who read it have never thought about patriarch? anyway, i think a lot of men (and women) just shut their ears off when they hear the subject.... which is too too bad, cuz it will take all of us to shift the tides.
until then, i believe we need to prioritize women over men.. i totally toned down my true beliefs to hopefully reach more ears, but whatever. loved your take on it and would love to sit down in person sometime to chat it up on this topic and so many more! ;)
Oooh yes the church. The dark bastion of patriarchy and capitalism all swirled together with guilt, shame, abuse, hypocrisy, and total dismantling of the actual teachings. I was crazy angry when all that started to crumble for me. I couldn't stand the thought of it. Then I made peace with it. Mostly by singing a lot of the old gospel songs I love. His Eye is on the Sparrow is one of my favorite songs of all time. DEfinitely my favorite gospel. My boy, anarchyandbread, made such a beautiful comment, and I realized how glad I am to be raising boys who feel that way. I always say I have done some woman a great service by raising that wonderful human. That's how I surround myself with men who appreciate women. I raise them ;D
I am looking forward to reading all the posts today. I didn't want to read before I wrote, and we spent yesterday in town. I always love what you write, and I doubt it will irritate me. It usually only irritates me when men say it. "What about me?!" Smells a lot like "All lives matter!" I understand what women are doing with that point. It is definitely wise to use a message that can be heard by the ones who need to hear it most.
I think maybe it's a part of getting older? I remember my mom telling me that at a certain point she started getting more straightforward and less apologetic. My mom is super duper feisty. And I think that's happening to me. Maybe I'm entering menopause? I'm tired of a whole host of shit, especially the invisible, emotional labor of having to explain patriarchy to those who refuse to understand. And I'm tired of the emotion police telling me to not be so angry. Like I said, I know it's not really helpful in forwarding the cause. It's just where I'm at, and maybe it helps in a certain way that some of us are here getting loud. You're right that it's fighting fire with fire. Intellectually I can understand that it's not the best way, but practically I don't seem to be able to put out the fire. Some days I feel better than others. It seems to come and go in phases.
I do think we will hit the hundredth monkey pretty soon. The fight is always the last stage before the shift, and I think so many more people are aware now. I'd love to sit down in person too. Not sure when we will be back in the states. Maybe you want a Belize vacation?
haha a belize vacation sounds great! my aunt always talks highly of her trips there! not this year, but perhaps some day.
totally hear you with that's just where you're at!! i think at a certain point we just get so fed up, we can't do any more laboring for them anymore. i go back and forth and after reading all of the posts (i too chose to write mine before reading them), i was so fired up and i realized how rational mine was haha! that's cool- as that's part of it, too, but already i can feel myself getting fired up again about it all...
anyway, go YOU for raising such an awesome guy. some woman someday will definitely thank you! the world thanks you! it's so rare for a man to be emotionally literate in a healthy way... what a sad fact that is... but men who value and can relate to women, while maintaining themselves, dude, i think that is so cool!
and i totally agree that it gets loud! i did liken it to white supremacy in my post as all of this sh*t is connected. at this point, i can't even stomach black people doing emotional labor for white people who say "all lives matter" eee gadddz!! sad thing is, it seems most men can't hear anything about patriarchy. it's like automatic shutdown-- what's up with that?
anyway, have a great (whatever time of day it is for you) and a great weekend! <3
It's a lovely place to visit!
My boy is such a treasure of a human. I'm incredibly grateful he picked me as his mom. He has always been so kind with such a powerful sense of justice.
A few months ago I joined a group on Facebook called United Front White Allies. I have learned a lot, and I go back and forth between battling people and feeling like it's futile. What I really get tired of is the whole "but it's not me. I'm a good guy." I just don't see us getting anywhere without acknowledging that we're all a part of it.
Ahhhh, anyway! It's really good to focus on the future we want to see where none of this exists and we live in balance celebrating our differences and our sameness.
A great read ~ I don't know why or how but, rather shockingly, this subject has never hit my radar to any great degree!
Sure I see men in power messing up ~ and then I think of Maggot Thatcher!
I have wondered about how different the world might be if women held more positions of authority without having to assume too much of the masculine to achieve position.
And then I think of all the woman who deny the father of their child access and poison their offspring against them.
There is good and bad in all but, for sure, our world would benefit from a more nurturing touch.
xox
I'm so glad you enjoyed the read. Just like a fish not really having the properties of water on his radar, we often can't see what is all around.
I love that you call her Maggot Thatcher. So similar to Killary Clinton. It's just a female version of the patriarchy. One interesting note is that there were indigenous North American cultures that were actually patriarchal in that they were ruled by men, but it was women who chose the men that ruled because they thought that men were good leaders, but poor judges of what a good leader actually looked like, whereas women inherently understood that kind, compassionate, and yet strong men were the ones who made the best leaders. Of course we could also skip all that and go straight to anarchy, but all this history is important to understand in forging our way forward.
I certainly know something about women denying fathers access as my brother was torn from his oldest child because she was not biologically his. He was able to get custody of the two that were his biological children, but losing the one he had raised for 10 years since she was 18 mos old was a loss that the word devastating does not begin to describe. However, there are certainly a number of women who are begging the system for protection from men that abuse them and their children only to be heard when someone dies. Ultimately the fact that the custody system favors women is also a part of the patriarchy. Women are expected to be the caregivers, and the patriarchal system does not accept anyone going outside their defined roles. The system of patriarchy destroys women, children, and families while it deflects attention to terrorists, communists, or whatever the boogeyman of the day is. Indeed we could all benefit from a more balanced approach. Thanks so much for reading and posting such a thoughtful comment. I truly appreciate the conversation and sense of community here.
Ooh girl you're on Fire! lol. I feel you, we all get contaminated sometimes with toxic masculine ways like judgement to fight back. Just remember you're better then that, don't let them trick you or drag you down to their level. You teach them about what true feminism is: conquer the world with compassion and kindness and sometimes showing some teeth. Men have definitely suffered from patriarchy as it is the toxic masculinity in ALL of us, men AND women, that has been damaging life. Remember the witch hunt? Many men have also found their death in the witch trials because they were out to kill the feminine qualities in ALL of us. It's interesting though that you bring on the monkey story. That sounds awful! I don't know what their place in creation is, but I know people are meant to learn to discern and live from their creative powers connected to the heart. So I feel we are moving out of this phase that we have been stuck in for so long. I'll also write something about monkeys in my next post: what is matriarchy. Because luckily there are also examples of animals living in a matriarchy. Love Clara
I am super passionate about this topic. It may amuse you to know I toned it down. 😂 I want to distinguish judgement from debate, and I could probably tone down the judgement, but some of the comments I read in my research yesterday from men who don't believe that patriarchy still exists and that women are making it up and trying to take men's rights away is so infuriating to me. That said, I could shift from "you're a dumbass" to "I'm sure you're a lovely person, but that information is 100% inaccurate and here's why" But back to the other side, I think it's ok for women to be angry right now. Anger can be a motivating force when properly channeled, and it is certainly a step up from despair. I could never drag down to that level because women simply don't have the institutionalized structures to support oppressing men. I have two boys. I will never be a man-hater. And I want to acknowledge the way patriarchy has also hurt men, but when we focus too much on that, it starts to feel like "All lives matter." Of course that's true, but right now we need to focus on black lives, and we also need to focus on freeing women from a culture that doesn't allow us to walk down the street in the clothes of our choice or get paid an equal wage for equal work or be valued for caring for children or elders or live in a culture that values compassion and cooperation. Men are both oppressed by and benefit from patriarchy. With men who have questions or concerns, I almost always come with compassion and equanimity and answers when I have them.
The monkey bit is interesting because I don't actually harbor any emotional response toward that because they are simply doing what they are programmed to do. They are doing what their DNA tells them to do. Humans I expect more from. The only point for me in that story was that I realized that humans took that genetic drive and used it to create cultural rules and laws around women's bodies. We simply must move beyond that. I look forward to stories on matriarchal animal cultures. There have also been a number of matriarchal human cultures, mostly indigenous, that were, of course, squashed when patriarchal colonialism hit the scene. Thank you so much for putting forth this question and sparking such an important conversation and also coming on here with such a thoughtful response. Much love right back to you! Really hope to get together when we get to Europe late spring/early summer.
Ah, where in europe are you going? Yes, I do agree the female anger has to come out, it's goo dthat it does because some things are just ludicrous, but I also strongly feel that to end this unbalanced situation the balance has to be brought back by working together men and woman like Trucklife family stated at the end of his post. If your interested to hear about how our genetic situation was manipulated to work more like the genes that make the monkeys in your story behave the way they do, there is some interesting information about that in my post about this question: https://steemit.com/ecotrain/@clara-andriessen/what-is-patriarchy-is-a-patriarchy-the-same-as-a-society-led-by-men-or-is-it-more-a-society-led-by-fear-and-a-feeling-of
Well, we aren't entirely sure yet. We want to go to the UK for sure. My daughter is thinking she might want to live in London at some point, so we want to explore there, and we've been thinking of going to Spain for a short time. But we might be in other places depending on where it is cheap to fly to.
I totally agree we have to work together. I'm actually not an angry person. We will never solve the problem without acknowledgement because lack of acknowledgement is a part of the proble. Mahatma Gandhi said, "First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win." I don't necessarily care for the win/lose dichotomy, and ultimately dismantling the patriarchy is a "win" for everyone, but I think within this quote we are in the fight stage. There's a lot of anger out there toward feminists right now. I think I've gotten to the point where I simply won't tiptoe around them anymore. I'm not saying this is necessarily the best strategy. It's just where I'm at. I think I'm tired of it. I'm tired of a world so out of balance. I am tired of people raping our planet. I'm tired of seeing women abused. I'm tired of racism and the simultaneous denial that racism actually exists. I'm tired of capitalism. I'm tired of working so hard and being so poor. I'm tired of the shitty status of the education system. Sometimes I feel like my top might blow.
I am really excited to go read all the posts now. I didn't want to read any before I finished my post, but then we were gone to town all day yesterday. Thanks for the conversation, Clara.
I have been looking forward to reading this post as I know how passionate you feel about this. I sure could feel your fire reading this, I agree that the patriarch has always and still does wish to dominate the feminine and anything that represents it. They feel so threatened and fearful by it and the only thing they can think to do is beat it down. I do believe that the feminine is in all of us and that a lot of 'people' are victimized because of it. We badly need balance and it is coming, look at all the people who are returning to the great mother, to nature to live and reconnect.
I love your fire, it is fire that is such a catalyst for bringing about change
Ahhhh. And I have been looking forward to responding to you! It's been a town day for me (I'm sure you're familiar with the project that going to town with children can be) hence the delay in my response. It also happens to be a rum night, so I'm going to do my best at coherent sentences. One of the amazing things sparked in my brain from your comment was the use of the word "patriarch" as opposed to "patriarchy." It made me think of the difference between racism and prejudice. What I mean is that prejudice is personal, whereas racism is institutional. I see the patriarchy as an institutionalized system beyond anything personal, while a patriarch seems like a person who outwardly espouses those beliefs. There is no doubt in my mind that the patriarchy as an institution is responsible for so much of the damage to our planet and her people, and we are all, in one way or another, a part of that - even if we don't like it. Similar to racism. Those that actively espouse it, well they're another can of worms. I agree that balance is coming, and I think those of us who see the damage, particularly the women and the parents of girls, must speak loudly to why and how this change needs to be made. Much love!
Oh, and look at the comment above from my boy, @anarchyandbread. I resisted the temptation to comment underneath what a proud mama I am, but I thought you could appreciate.
I loved this and that insight on the howler monkeys is so fascinating and really intense. Man, I was so amazed by that. Okay I used the word man because it is just on my tongue and not because I favor patriarchy :p Jokes aside, I agree with your viewpoint and I think embracing your masculine and feminine side is extremely important to make peace with yourself.
Howler Monkeys are definitely intense! Do you have them there? They are so loud!! And thank you for a joke! Jokes make all of this intensity so much more tolerable! Indeed, when we find the balance, it will be a great and magical day, decade, millennium, eternity!!!!
I don't know if we have them here or not because I never paid attention to exactly what sort of monkeys live here :P But I haven't seen them in the zoo.
They make a really crazy noise. Almost like a roar.