Unschooling 101 Part III: Bodily Autonomy

We’ve been talking about the basic tenets of unschooling. If you’d like to catch up, here is Part I and Part II. In Part II we talked about the Freedom of Activity. I mentioned that freedom was such a big topic that we would have to divide it up. It’s not really a hard and fast line between activity and bodily autonomy, but I had to divide it up somehow.

Freedom of the body is huge, and at least for me, it is so much harder. It encompasses a number of things, including toys, food, and clothes. We can just look at a few examples, and you’ll get the gist of it.

I love cookies!

My personal biggest challenge is food. Letting kids decide what and when they eat goes totally contrary to the way almost all of us were raised. It begins at birth. For me this bit was pretty easy. All four babies ate as much as they wanted and when they wanted. No scheduled feedings. We didn’t do those well baby visits, so I never had pediatricians breathing fire down my neck about my baby being .023 lbs under or overweight. I didn’t have to listen to them babble about how nursing to sleep causes cavities and bad habits and blah blah. That helped.

On demand nursing was demanding but the best way for us.

Then they start eating food, and it gets more complicated. Of course a lot of people solve the dilemma of letting their kids eat what they want by not having anything unhealthy in the house. Trouble is, I like cookies. And doughnuts. And these crazy fried things we get here that I don’t even know what they are, but nothing that salty can possibly be good for you. And sometimes I don’t want to cook lunch while I’m working, so I keep loaves of bread, jars of jelly, and ramen. Just the other day, my son brought me a new challenge. Like I said, this is my last bit to give up, so I have been telling him to not ask me about food anymore. He’s not used to it yet, though. My youngest daughter likes to just eat the raw ramen (I know. Gross.), so she often leaves those packets of msg flavoring in the basket of food. So, the boy came to me with a flavor packet and asked me to open it so he could eat it. Uggh. It was torment. I really wanted to tell him he was out of his damn mind, but I didn’t. I asked him to just try it first before committing to dumping all that down his throat. In the end, he ate half a spoonful a pinch at a time. He felt my resistance, so he had to prove he wouldn't instantly have a heart attack, but his body wouldn't let him eat much. Given the opportunity to choose, his body wouldn't let him eat much of something so gross. He also ate all his Easter candy in a day, all his Christmas candy in three days, and all his Halloween candy in two days only because he passed out while still eating candy.

They go to bed when they want. They eat what they want. They get up when they want. They wear what they want. Now, why would I do this? Essentially it’s the same reason I allow them to watch as much tv as they want or play as many video games as they want or play with whatever toys they want. They have to learn, like all of us, how to regulate themselves. They have to learn when to say when. My younger boy has a certain fashion sense that I have not totally figured out. Sometimes it will be 90 degrees F, and he wants to wear long sleeves. Why? No clue. I choose to trust that he will take the shirt off before he will allow himself to have a heat stroke. When we were in the states, and he didn’t want to wear a coat, I would take one for him but not make him wear it. Especially if there is no power struggle, children will put on a coat when they are cold. It is an incredibly wild assumption to think you know better how they are feeling in their own bodies.

Food, especially sugar, can be tricky. We have a pretty good idea of the addictive power of sugar. So, I talk to my kids when they’ve had a hefty amount and ask them how it feels in their bodies. I ask them to check in with themselves and their physical and mental states often, especially as it relates to food and sleep. I feel this is an incredibly useful habit. They overdo it sometimes. I also just ate 2.5 doughnuts while I was writing this. Time will tell if that was a wise move. I also point out the day after the candy is gone that it sure would be nice to have another piece. We also talk about food and what foods feel good in our bodies and what kinds of nutrients they provide. We are blessed with a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables here, so we also talk about healthy soil and how plants work.

24 hours later, all this candy was gone.

Sleep can also be a tough one. Right now my youngest is up until 1 or 2 but sleeps until 11 or 12. It works for me because I am also up late. This brings me to my next point. Martyrdom motherhood. What if I was not a night owl. She’s only 4. Is it safe to leave her awake by herself in the house? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t feel comfortable with it at this point. So, we’d have to come to some kind of agreement. I know there are those in the unschooling community that do whatever their kids want them to do, even to their own detriment. I can’t roll like that. We are like a very small community, and we have to make agreements that allow all of us to live together in harmony. I’m not sure what agreement we would come to, and I’m not saying she would have to bend to my will completely, but nor am I bending totally to hers. I also have a policy of only making one dinner. If anyone doesn’t want to eat it, they certainly don’t have to, but I’m not making another dinner. Starting at about three they learn to make their own sandwiches and then their own eggs and more. They are free to eat whatever they like, but especially with 4 kids, I simply can’t stop making all the multitude of things that one or the other doesn’t like. At this point, my oldest daughter cooks, but it’s the same rule. One of my biggest pieces of advice to new mothers is to avoid martyrdom. Take care of yourself. Take a spa or beach day. Neither dad nor kids will die in one day.

The key to all of this is trust. I have to trust they will learn to regulate themselves and do what’s best for their own bodies. I have to trust that my 6 yo will expand his tastes one day and not live on pb&j. I have to trust he’ll put on a coat when he’s cold and take off the flannel when he’s hot. I have to trust that my daughter will learn to spread her candy over a longer period. They learn to trust that I have their best interests in my heart. And we both learn to trust their bodies and their minds. They also learn to be honest - with themselves and with me.

Honestly, this is the kind of thing that tastes and feels best, and they know that.

We also talk about marketing and lies. They really don’t see a lot of commercials. We don’t have cable. We have internet, and they watch shows, but rarely do they have ads. It does happen, though. So, we talk about how sometimes someone will say something is full of nutrition or good for you or even natural, but they’re just trying to sell something. It’s good preparation for when they learn to read, and this barrage of information just gets more massive and overwhelming. They are learning to pay attention to the wisdom of their own bodies and also to listen critically to any kind of marketing or propaganda.

Finally we talk about spiritual truths. Here’s the disclaimer: I call them truths, but you may call them hogwash. Take what works for you, and leave the rest behind. I happen to believe you can eat whatever you want and still be healthy. I believe joy and believing you are healthy and strong are worth a lot more than pretty much anything else. When I left my ex, I started eating whatever I wanted. He was hard core about healthy food, so I went off the chain. Doughnuts and cookies all the time. Bacon for breakfast every day. I was eating all kinds of fatty foods, salty stuff, sugar, beer, wine, tequila, just whatever sounded good in any moment. I was also dancing and laughing and singing all the time. I lost 40 lbs in about 6 months, and I felt healthier than at probably any other time in my life. Even doctors have figured out that mental attitude is a key to health. Of course happy people get sick. I don’t want anyone to think I’m ever saying sick people were simply not happy enough. Life is complicated and certainly not one dimensional, and it’s always at least half mystery. In any case, whatever your spiritual beliefs are about your body, share them with your children. It’s good for them to share those conversations with you.

And it works. Already, at 6 and 4, they are learning to pay attention. They are starting to remember to bring a short sleeve shirt when it’s hot and decide to eat something hearty before going straight to the cookies. Not bad considering I’m 43 and not that far ahead. The 16 and 20 yo’s are very aware of taking good care of their bodies and living in balance. They are all learning to be responsible. And that is a key thing I’m shooting for as a parent. I want them to take responsibility for themselves. It seems to me the current education system is failing pretty miserably at helping young people learn this essential skill. That’s because the other side of that coin is trust. Trust requires believing someone to be competent, yet we live in a world that sees children as stupid and incapable, as needing to be managed and maneuvered. Thus it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Trust them enough to give them freedom and then watch them bloom. In our last post of the unschooling series, we will talk about kids having space, experiences, and address the issue most whined about by the mainstream, socialization.