Respect for Elders
I was raised in South Carolina in the southeastern United States. This little corner of the world is pretty traditional and conservative, especially by US standards. I was taught to say “yes ma’am” and “no sir” along with please and thank you or face the consequences. My aunt used to beat her kids with a wooden spoon if they didn’t say ma’am when they spoke to her. She’s a fiery little woman.
When my kids were born, I was determined that they would never have to respect anyone just because they are older. They’ve never been required to say ma’am or sir, though I do usually require please before I’ll actually do something for them (I hold myself to the same standard), and I strongly encourage thank you’s. My children do respect me, and that’s at least partly because I also respect them. In fact, if you’ve read just about anything I’ve ever written, you probably know that I absolutely abhor the disrespectful way children are treated all over the world.
The role grandparents can play in the lives of their grandchildren can be so beautiful
I think in some ways I do still believe that people don’t deserve respect simply because of their age, but there are a few caveats there. First and most importantly, I believe everyone deserves respect simply for being human. I think the world would be a whole lot better if we respected each other more. You don’t have to agree with me, nor me with you, for us to respect each other as living, breathing beings deserving of it.
Second, I believe there is something to be said for living a certain number of years. Experiences, relationships, adventures, and repeated observations of patterns do create a certain amount of wisdom, more in some than in others to be sure, but there is definitely something to be said for the things we learn from life.
Last, old age is challenging. Many years ago I worked in several different elder care homes. Most of them were focused on holistic care. If you’ve never had this job, let me tell you it’s hard. Some of them were very mean. I have been called all kinds of horrible names. I’ve been insulted in a multitude of ways about a wide variety of things. I have had things thrown at me. One hateful woman even shut my sweet little boy's hands in the piano. I have seen the ugly side. And all that without ever speaking about politics or social issues. However, I found compassion for most of them because it sucks to be stuck in a home, to not be able to drive, to not be able to eat what you want to eat, to have to wear diapers, to forget important things all the time, to look out on a world that doesn’t make sense to you, to be discarded and dismissed by almost the entire world. People look down at, or right through, old people, and that is horribly painful. That definitely needs to stop.
I don’t think I can find a way to respect anyone that hurls out slurs against POC or LGBTQ+ folx or immigrants or people of different religions. I definitely can’t respect those views. I don't think being old gets you a pass either. So, perhaps we have to really define what we mean by respect. Is it about kindness and basic human decency? Surely it’s not about agreeing with someone. Do we have to believe them to at least be basically good people to respect them? I’m not sure. It feels like a big question. I was thinking of the Aretha Franklin song, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and it seems like she’s just wanting to be treated like a human being instead of a hunk of meat. Or does respect mean that we actually really honor and admire someone?
So, what are your thoughts? I am not exactly sure I have come to any solid conclusions here, but I feel pretty certain more respect all around would be a good thing. More compassion and kindness for elders would also definitely be a very good thing. Most of them simply want to be seen. For the saddest song on elders I have ever heard, a song my daddy used to play for me on his guitar when I was a little girl, Mr. John Prine, Hello in There. I believe someone voted it the saddest song ever written at some point.
As always, all pics are mine or pixabay.
I’m a passenger on the @ecotrain, as well as a member of @teamgirlpowa and @steemmamas. All three are worth taking a look at, and all three are on discord.
good thoughts here dear. i think in order to respect someone we need to find some common ground with them and not feel adamant disrespect from them. obviously some of those situations yu're describing are pretty g d disrespectful! that being said, i think it's really cool to teach your kids how worthy they are of respect and to dish that back the other way, too. more respect all around is a great thing. existing here is hard sometimes!!
Yes. I have seen people arguably at their worst. And I've had people with dementia call out for hours without stopping and rip their diapers off and spread those little gel beads everywhere. It's a tough job. They're terribly underpaid. Another casualty of the patriarchy.
wow..... totally another patriarchy fail.... my grandma was one of these people, but she had $$$ so she could have a 1 on 1 person at her home. i know so many of us say it: but just kill me if i get to that point... it's a terrible fail that we've lost our social systems and have grossly underpaid strangers take care of us/our loved ones when we get older... i also think this idea to keep someone alive at all costs is really weird and destructive. people should be allowed to die if they want to. sorry you had to know so well about those gel beads....
So many people feel that they would want to die before getting that way, but my experience has been that, once they're there, they aren't quite ready. There's something left to work out in that unconscious space. And whether or not family should feel obligated to care for them at that point is touchy. I think those that choose to care for others in that space should be well compensated, whether family or not. It's hard. There are two funny things about the gel beads. One is that I'm sure that contributed to my passion for cloth diapers. The other is that the guy who was the absolute worst about this was such a treasure. He was incredibly funny and very earnest. Usually on the bead mornings, I would walk in to find him naked wrapped in a blanket like a Jedi on his mattress. Sheets, pajamas, and ripped diaper would be strewn across the floor. It was a nightmare, but I had to admire his zest. He said the funniest shit too. He was an old cowboy with really bad dementia. One of my favorites was, "we're gonna be so goddamn poor, we can't buy a piss ant a wrastling jacket." Then sometimes he would ask for water, and when I brought it to him, he would say, "I just wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." He just had deeply profound gratitude. It's a mixed bag, but it should be paid way better than it is.
In my country, there is a saying that elders remind a child who needs to be loved and cared to feel safe in this world. I was grown in a very multi-national environment there a lot of nations around respected elders and they have been always asked before any major decision. From one point of view, it can be considered a good thing as they know a lot and can really guide the societies and people. At the same time, they are usually very conservative that sometimes create even more problems than solve any. I believe that there are always should be a balance and mutual respect for youth and elders and this is the base for the healthier society. I would say I would rather consider partnership rather when one looks into the other as a superior. it is always a joy to read your thought, @solarsupermama and I love what you always ask questions that make a reader think!
It is definitely about balance. Everyone needs to feel respected, and its important to believe everyone is doing their best.
There is something to be said about grandparents, they have had a profound effect for me and been there for me when my parents have fallen short. I miss them alot
Grandparents can be such a blessing, and they often welcome the opportunity to help. I miss my Granny and my Nana too.
This is a really thoughtful response,and I appreciate it so much. I am a fan of the site 'Yo, is this racist?' because it's pretty funny, and I think the thing he gets the most pushback on is being willing to say old people are racist (when they are), instead of excusing it because of their age. I've always respected his stance on that, but a lot of people give him flack for it.
Anyway, thanks for sharing!
I will have to check that out. I would say that i am definitely more understanding when i hear racist stuff from old people. I know what they grew up hearing and seeing. My mother worked in my grandfather's drugstore and remembers asking him why they had separate glasses and water fountains. They dont get a pass, and i still expect them to learn and grow and remain teachable, but i dont get as angry. The young nazis totally enrage me. Just no excuse for that shit. I mean, we are all human, but how people can be that dumb and hateful baffles me.