Are women who dress provocatively responsible for unwanted attention, or should men learn to control themselves? This is the ecoTrain question of the week.

Well, now. This is a fun one. I figure anyone who has ever had a look at my page probably knows how I feel about this, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. Honestly, how is this even a question still?! This is a multi layered question, and I want to talk about several different aspects.

First of all!!!

If you could see me now, you would see my finger up in the air. Let's get at the real root here. At the very core of this is the totally mistaken idea that anyone other than you is responsible for your behavior - or even your feelings. No one makes you do anything. No one makes you angry or sad or anything. We are always at choice. Yes, other people's actions and words affect us, but we are responsible for us. Personal responsibility. It's what's for breakfast.

I don't care if she's drunk and dancing naked on your bed. I don't care if you are stupid drunk either. I've been drunk as drunk gets, and I'm always responsible for my actions. You are responsible for your actions. Period. Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Are strawberries provocative?

I have two sons. One of them is 6, but the other one is 20. His dad is pretty much a non entity. So, I had to do all the talks. I taught him personal responsibility, and I taught him to respect other human beings. He knows other people's bodies belong to them and to always ask for consent. Shockingly, he's capable of controlling himself, even though he's a man - and a young man at that. That's another issue I have with this whole idea. It assumes men are sex starved uncontrollable maniacs. It's insulting.

Let’s dig in to another level

Of course rape isn't the only thing we are talking about here. What about cat calling? Well, read the above paragraphs to know who is responsible for that. Also, just wondering how successful it is? I just want a statistic of how many men who holler, “Hey baby!” or something more disgusting from the porch hanging out with their buddies actually get laid. It's rude. A woman is not a hunk of meat, and you look creepy and stupid when you cat call. Just being honest here. You also make women uncomfortable because we don't know if you're one that might follow, stalk, rape, or if you're one to just sit there and holler. Clearly if you cat call, you don't respect women. Considering you are quite possibly a rapist is not a huge leap. Now, just to clarify, a compliment is different from a catcall. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

“That shirt looks nice on you” is a compliment. “Your hair looks pretty” is also a compliment.

“Nice tits” is not. Even if my tits are nice, which they are, but don't say that. It's weird, creepy, and gross. Same with “you’re looking sexy.”

Again, if you're not sure, don't say it. Words are sexual. Don't invite yourself into my sexual space without my permission.

The question everyone loves to ask.

Why do women dress this way? I'm here for you with the shocking answer. It's none of your fucking business. Maybe she likes feeling sexy. That has nothing to do with you. Maybe she is dressed up for a special night with her partner. Unless that's you, that has nothing to do with you. Maybe she has low self esteem and seeks attention and validation through sex. Again. None of your business! Maybe she thinks her value is in her body because that's the message she has received since she was a small child from a culture that sees women as lesser, as property, as hunks of meat for men's pleasure. Well, now. That is your business because each and every one of us needs to work to change this. This is rape culture.

Honestly, what does provocative dressing mean? Am I dressing provocatively if a shoulder is showing? What if I'm wearing short shorts? What if you can see my pubic hair? I really don't think pubic hair is provocative. It's kind of a weird texture. Is cleavage provocative? What about nipples? What if I'm nursing? Can men dress provocatively? No offense guys, but it doesn't get much skimpier than a speedo, and those are just gross. I don't want that much detail outside my bedroom. There are a lot of Mennonites here in Belize. They cover everything. Ankles are provocative to them. Do you see how this is getting sticky? Let's just dissect this word. Provocative shares a root with provoked. As in I have provoked you into action by my clothing choices. Well, that takes us back to the beginning doesn't it?

Shoulders covered, skirt past the knee, no cleavage. Is this provocative?

Fragilé. It's Italian. (This is a movie reference. I'm not insulting Italians)

This week I saw something on Facebook about how men are intimidated by intelligent women, even the ones who say they love intelligent women. I absolutely know this to be true. It was a truly brilliant series of tweets about how this phenomenon affects women. One of the theories about how this comes to be is of course the fragile male ego. From young, girls learn to be delicate in how they talk to men, how to soften blows, how to protect their fragile egos. As radical as I am, I see my 4 year old daughter doing it with my 6 year old son. It's so disgustingly pervasive.

Here's how that connects to this conversation. Being nice can be horribly dangerous. Not wanting to hurt someone's feelings can land a woman in a very bad situation. When he's a friend, it happens so easily. I know of what I speak. So a man is giving unwanted attention, and a woman is trying to be nice instead of telling him to piss off. He's not getting the polite “no thank yous” and the non verbal cues. Suddenly there's a problem. This has to stop. We need to encourage our girls to speak their truth and teach our boys that their worth is not dependent on what anyone else thinks anyway and that a rejection of sexual advances does not necessarily mean there's something wrong with you or that you're gross or ugly or whatever.

As always, I look forward to the comments. Those in the men's rights activist community should be aware, however, that I'm a feisty bitch these days.

Much love, y’all!

As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.

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