Are women who dress provocatively responsible for unwanted attention, or should men learn to control themselves?

Such is the hum drum #ecotrain Question of the Week... just kidding! This is such a big topic. @eco-alex is really bringing the heat with these questions!

This is really a huge question. Instead of answering this in the theoretical- I was initially cooking up an answer in that vein... I am going to make it as personal as possible....

First let me just say that as a woman immediately this issue pisses me off. We still live in a world where a woman who is raped is asked what she was wearing. We live in a world that automatically answers this question with placing the violation of women's bodies on women and not on the men who are doing the violating.

If this doesn't raise my ire...

Well, let's fan the flames.

As a woman I am beyond tired of this line of thinking... so let me reveal to you how it looks from my perspective.

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Scene 1:

Woman walks into a room wearing a revealing top. She has big boobs and is wearing a sheer black low cut tanktop. She has a short skirt on and when she walks you can see the bottom of her butt cheeks. She has high boots on, ones that go up to just below her knee.

Heads turn. (They could be male or female, but for the sake of the QOTW I'm going to focus on the male gaze.) She feels the attention and depending on what she's in the mood for and who is looking she may be excited by it, upset or bored.

Because of her provocative outfit, is she "giving license" to these stares? To me, this is an assumption that her outfit is some type of invitation.

Through assuming that she is dressing for the male gaze and if you are a male staring that she is inviting you to look (why else would she wear that outfit?!), the narrative is that she's doing this for outside attention not because she actually enjoys the outfit or is wearing it for herself.

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Scene 2:

Woman walks into a bar to get a pint. She's had a long workweek. She's in her dressy business suit that's form fitting, but not revealing at all by any cultural standards. Yes it hugs her hips a bit and shows off her excellent neckline, but those features would stand out no matter what she wears. She sits at the bar and orders a drink, and looks straight ahead while making small talk with the bartender.

Hungry eyes turn her way as she enters. She's in a town that doesn't have a lot of women and in a bar on the edge of that town. Three different men take her being there as an invitation to approach her, eyeing the curve of her hips and incredible collarbone. They each role play scenarios of picking her up in their heads. One gathers the courage to go talk to her.

Is her mere presence an invitation?

Despite her impression/intention that her outfit isn't suggestive or provocative (and by many standards it isn't) and the fact that she just wanted to sit alone in peace at the bar and have a beer after a long work week, her mere presence engenders unwanted male attention...

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My point by sharing these two stories side by side is to reflect on the fact that as women we often go through our lives, living our lives, and men for some reason think this is an invitation to want something from us or that we are "asking for something" or involving them based on our being.

The simple fact of our presence garners unwanted attention.

While the current United States president is off grabbing women by the pussy (because he can and because, don't they like it?!... aren't they flattered by the attention!?!) with no repercussions, women are being told that they are "Asking for it" if they wear outfits that men deem as attractive.

For some men that may be a "skimpy" workout outfit (heaven forbid a woman is caught running in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong "suggestive" outfit-- she was definitely asking for it!), for others a pair of sweatpants, for still others it's the stereotypical outfit portrayed in Scene 1. For some still it is a women living her life in a work outfit and still she cannot be left alone without having to fend off male attention. The point is, no matter what a woman wears men are still taught that a woman's presence is for them.

The outdated idea that a woman is "asking for it"-- and by "it"-- I think we all know what I mean, is sheer violence around the safety of women's bodies. A woman is never asking for it unless she's truly asking for it.

A little louder for those in the back...

A woman is never asking for it unless she's truly asking for it.

Consent and Accountability

Men 100% need to learn to Police one another and hold each other accountable. A woman, no matter what she is wearing, is not asking for it unless she specifically asks for it. Consent and clear communication are not radical things (except the sad part is that they still are radical.)

A woman's body is not property of men. Men should not only learn to control themselves, they need to learn to control one another.

My Lived Experience

Let me just say that as a woman, no matter what I'm wearing, when I go into town I garner a different attention than Ini. It's just because I am a (beautiful) woman. Men in stores get silent and some men wont actually even acknowledge my presence/look at me-- even when I ask a question!

Personally as a woman I choose not to wear certain things or express myself in certain ways because of these responses from men. I simply don't want to have to deal with it.

-- In fact, Ini asked how specifically this issue has affected me and I truly believe it has shaped so much about how I feel in my body as a woman. It's everything...--

From a young age (early highschool- around 16 years old), I learned just how hungry the male gaze can be. I also learned that whether overtly or through countless commercials, ads, magazine articles, etc that my body was a site that wasn't for me acutely, but that was geared toward the aim of pleasing and attracting men, of catering to their male gaze.

The male gaze assumes that women exist for their consumption. This entire ecotrain QOTW is based upon the assumption of the male gaze. It wouldn't even be a question if the male gaze wasn't assumed in our cultures.

For example, the reverse of this question would seem absurd.

Man in skimpy outfit just begging for unwanted female attention! (Can you imagine?... This illustrates that men are taught to predate on women's bodies.)

From so many angles, we as women are raised to believe that we need to simultaneously attract and fend off (with proper doses of enjoying and being grateful for) male attention.

I can say I don't dress provocatively in certain settings because I choose to bypass the entire nasty unwanted aspect of the male gaze, but also because I've made my life about genderfucking the whole idea of male/female attraction.

I don't shave my legs or armpits. I wear my hair however I damn well please. I haven't worn makeup since high school. To me this is throwing a wrench in the whole narrative women are taught that in order to be attractive and "consumable", we have to be hairless and finely kempt creatures with the right shade of lipstick and feminine presentation. This is a whole 'nuther ball of wax, but this has been my response to the whole notion that my mere existence needs to be sculpted towards any certain beauty standards to be palatable and desirable for the male gaze.

Fuck the male gaze! I am more concerned with being attractive to and for myself and for other people who desire to destroy this entire line of questioning that a woman is "asking for it" when she wears whatever she wants.

Men, police yourselves!

If a woman is living her life in whatever outfit she chooses, you need to start talking to each other to make sure she is safe to do that and that if a man decides to take her presentation as an invitation or as a license of some type, that you hold one another accountable and responsible.

I am beyond tired of hearing that a woman was asking to be continuously pestered, raped, stared at, etc based on her choice of dress. Get comfortable with the fact that what a woman is wearing (or not wearing) has nothing to do with you, that she doesn't "owe you" anything and that we own our own bodies.

Let us be free and safe in our bodies without making everything about YOU!
Let's create a culture of enthusiastic consent (YES!!)- you'll know when a woman is interested!

What do you think?