EcoTrain Question of the Week - "What was the most profound spiritual moment of your life?"
If you asked me this question a few short years ago, my thoughts would have immediately flown to my religious experiences and blind faith. At that time, “spiritual” automatically meant “organized religion”… and “organized religion” meant Christianity since that was how I was raised.
Over the passing of years, however, I began to ask questions and think for myself. While religion no longer plays an important or necessary role in my life, spirituality is ever present!
Spirituality is such a cool concept because it is completely subjective in both definition and experience! For some, it means feeling a connection to earth and its’ inhabitants. For others, it includes the personal awareness and understanding one cultivates during the course of his/her life.
For me, spirituality includes all of these ideas/feelings and ties itself very closely to my depression. I’ve already wrote an article about my mental illness for the Homestead Happiness challenge so I don’t want to rehash everything that has already been said. Here is an excerpt:
My mood disorders started as a bland distaste for things I had originally enjoyed. At first I attributed my lack of interest and easily frayed nerves to the hormonal changes that accompany puberty. But eventually the dark cloud that hung above my head took over my life and I could not shake the terrifyingly apathetic mindset I then entertained.
Over the years I tried many different forms of medication (Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc) and therapy (CBT and psychotherapy). Some worked better than others and at times I found a few months of temporary reprieve yet I always ended up back where I began. As the years passed, I became increasingly frustrated, terrified, angry, guilty, ashamed, and every other negative emotion you can think of…
…until I almost committed the worst possible act you can commit when dealing with depression.
Thankfully, I could not go through with it and I am still here. But as I sat there that fateful night contemplating my actions, I distinctly remember thinking…
“If I can’t end my life, I have to learn to live it.”
As I stated in the original article, this is what lead me outside into the heart of nature and homesteading practices (go ahead and read the full article if you’d like to understand why). And this is what lead me to my most profound spiritual experience - reaching self-actualization (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
I remember being fascinated with psychology class both in high school and college and I distinctly remember being intrigued with the idea of self-actualization. It made sense to me that humans were always struggling to better themselves and reach an enlightened state (though whether or not we can actually reach an enlightened state is still unclear to me as I believe humans will never stop trying to better themselves regardless of their transcendent state of mind). Such a simple chart with clear steps towards “happiness” had a profound appeal to me as someone who struggled with depression every day. This pyramid branded itself in my mind…
So that’s why this concept came to mind and “self-actualization” was the only description I could find for my experience.
I don’t remember when it happened… I don’t even remember where I was though I know I was surrounded by earth and trees and fresh air. A sense of peace washed over me and I froze as time stopped. It was such an out of body experience that I felt as if I could see the past, the present, and the future. I could see the struggles of humanity through time and understand the movements of the planets. I felt the weight of the universe pressing down from the blue sky and felt particles of star dust pulse through my veins. I suddenly become aware that I was not in fact staring up at the stars but staring down into the infinite stretch of space and held to this planet by a single thread. All I can remember thinking is…
It’s going to be okay.
And that was the first time I actually believed it. I have no idea what prompted this moment of clarity… if anything, I suppose that makes it even more spiritual! And though I cannot conjure up that feeling again at will, I can think back to it in moments of darkness and despair.
I remember it every time I dig my hands into the same earth my body will return to one day. I remember it every time I taste the fruits of this world fed by sun and starlight. I remember it every time I look into a creature’s eyes and see the same spark of awareness and life.
That’s why nature is my church and the universe my deity. That’s why homesteading is my calling, my passion, my faith.
Photo from Pexels and used under the CC0 license.
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great life experience, thanks for sharing @kiaraantonoviche
wow.. what a story.. im sorry you had to endure such hardships.. im also very happy that you pulled through and managed to find something to live for.. The gift you received to snap out of your despair is truly profound.. a real true gift from the angels that gave you the inspiration and will to love live again..
sending love!
Beautiful sharing, truly enjoyed reading it.
Very well said! I feel a lot of connections here to what you have written! Thank you!
Depression is highly misunderstood. Very few people on earth actually understands what is it about ... But those who understand what is depression caused by can start their healing process in a very natural way.
I hope you will be able to understand what depression actually is !!
Think about it and feel free to text me on discord
I live with it every day so I am quite familiar with it haha
As long as it is everyday there - it means you are familiar - but the understanding I talk about is not about how depression looks and how it feels but why is there for you: depression it's not for forever and it's not useless.
Depression for me was not caused by a specific event or lifestyle, it is actually genetic and hereditary as many of my family members suffer from it as well. I would argue that depression is "forever" for some people because I consider it a disease like diabetes instead of an illness like the flu that recovers over time. Once you have it, it kind of sticks around. Of course you can always alleviate symptoms and reduce the severity of it depending on therapy, medication, diet, lifestyle choices, etc. That doesn't mean I am going to stop trying to get rid of it, but I am also accepting the fact that I may have to learn to live with it. And I can live with it and be happy simultaneously
It's not something to get rid off. You will one day just see depression is not anymore a thing for you and will be then that you will understand that all that time you believed to a fairy tale : genetics cause.
I hope that is the case but I have to disagree
Disagree on what ?
That genetics do not play a role in a scientifically proven medical condition like depression. Forgive me if I misunderstood the point you were trying to make, but I believe you are arguing that depression is in fact not a medical condition at all but a frame of mind that one can simply grow out of (or that it doesn’t exist at all and I am making it up). The ability to grow out of it may be partially true - it’s been proven that pessimistic individuals that focus on negative events and stimuli are more likely to develop depressive symptoms and need to “retrain” their brains/way of thinking using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). But I do not believe that is the entire explanation and it frustrates me when people argue this. I do not mean to seem rude or argumentative but I’ve heard the same statements you’ve made from so many people. That’s why so many people with mental illness/mood disorders are hesitant to speak out because so many people argue against its validity. And I’d like to point out that most (99%) of the people who argue that it’s “all in your head” have never experienced true depression or diagnosed mental illness. But it IS scientifically proven - individuals react differently on a base chemically/hormonal level to the exact same stimuli. PET scans like this one even show a visible difference.
Most experts believe genetics play an undeniable role as well - “Anyone can become depressed, but many experts believe genetics play a role. Having a parent or sibling with depression increases your risk of developing the disorder. Women are twice as likely as men to become depressed.” While the exact cause of depression has yet to be proven, the main theory is that “altered brain structure and chemical function is DIFFERENT. Brain circuits that regulate mood may work less efficiently during depression.” Neurons (nerve cells) in the brain communicating via neurotransmitters actually function less effectively. Even IF we take away all science from this and simply say depression/mental illnesses are not real or that they should not have an effect, I believe that simply voicing this idea is still more harmful than beneficial to the individuals who “believe” they have a mental illness. If someone is literally willing to kill themselves over a “perceived” illness, you at least have to give it some credibility. Again, I apologize if I misunderstood your opinion and blew this out of proportion, it is simply something I am passionate about because I live it every day.
EDIT: mainly I disliked the use of the term "fairy tale."
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
- Mahatma Gandhi