ecoVillage Journal #10 - NVC, we had to ask him to leave!
Wow, its been an intense few days, and even weeks with some, as yet, unspoken drama that has been playing out for the past month. Let's just say that I have had my NVC (non violent communication) skills tested to their limits! I would like to share with you a story of what has been going on behind the scenes with one person who was planning to help us and eventually live with us in ecoVillage, and why we had to ask him to leave the group... a very difficult decision to ever have to make, but one that was taken none the less!
Let me just start by saying that the decisions that we make are to protect not only ourselves but also the ecoVillage project as a whole. At this early stage there are only a few of us (6) directly involved in the initial planning and work to get this off the ground. .. and so it is very vulnerable whilst it is so young, like a tiny seedling that is growing in the ground. I mention this because whilst this person who shall not be named, and is not on Steem and none of you know who he is... was very abusive to me personally, it was the threat to the project as a whole that led to his removal.
SO what happened!!?
I am going to keep this relatively brief and will spare you most of the details as they are not SO important. This post is not to try to justify anyone's decisions or behaviours, but instead to share what has been happening from my perspective (a perspective that is shared by everyone who has seen the 'discussion' including a few trusted friends (@artemislives, feel free to confirm or deny that!). The real point of this post is to illustrate HOW IMPORTANT communication is, and why non violent communication is a part of the foundation of ecoVillage.. I'd also like to say that he wasn't removed just for what he said, because we should always try to fix something before we discard it. He was removed because he was either unwilling or unable to see the error of his ways, despite the rest of the group telling him in unison that he was totally wrong in his assumptions and accusations.
So what has been happening! Well in November / December last year @orlev proposed that we all had our first video conference / meeting with four of us. @orlev and his wife Tslil, Shir who I haven’t mentioned until now.. who is also a landowner and part of the natural giving of the land to ecoVillage. Finally there was this other man, who shall remain nameless, who was interested in helping us to build and plan and would finally live with us in the ecoVillage!
This meeting happened just after I had written my own personal vision for ecoVIllage, and the rest of the group were also supposed to do the same. We all introduced ourselves to each other, and then... this guy went on what i can only call a megga rant! He was VERY VERY concerned that I have been selling any tokens, and felt that it was SO illegal that he would very likely get in trouble if he was in any way related to me or to the project.. This guy was full on, and went on a rant for about 3/4 of the meeting time we had.. Now, this is a very difficult area to say much for certainty without a decent lawyer, and i could see he was freaking out so i finally interrupted him and just made the instant decision to stop posting about ecoVIllage coin, or even offering to sell it.
He didn't seem Very reassured, and also pressed me further in conversations we had afterward. He demanded that I also made no mention of anyone else in the project, and even went to the extent of pressuring me to not even use the word WE in my blogs and posts! Damn! To just keep things going i agreed, and since that meeting have had to censor everything ive said so that there is no possible chance of incriminating someone who in reality has no link to me whatsoever. So that hasn't been fun, and IM happy to have my gag off again so i can share again! jeSus!
So i let that all go, but was a bit surprised that about two weeks ago he randomly started freaking out again and demanding we do not do this or that, or say that or this.. his fear was palpable and had clearly taken over his logic or reasoning. I had done all he asked for, and nothing more, and nothing had changed, but he was blasting the group with many intense messages and virtually harassing me over it.. He was asked to relax, and stop going on because we had already dealt with it..
SO now is where things get even more weird.
A few days ago he messages the group with a VERY long and incredibly abusive list of messages that are accusing me of so many crazy things that were all 100% untrue. He was clearly freaking out, and all of it was based on some assumptions he had made about me. Basically this guy was VERY paranoid that I was doing this for money, and i was trying to take over, that i am so many things! Actually i didn’t plan to include any detail of the chat, but i feel now that its needed to include just a short snippet of a few quotes from him just so you feel the tone and vibe of it. The details don’t matter really.. all you have to know is that he was utterly wrong in all of his assumptions and accusations, and had he asked @orlev before he started freaking out he would have known this.
It started like this -
There was more abuse but you get the idea. After this outburst he was told he was wrong and that in fact the dance festival had already been talked about and shared before we had ever spoken to each other, about a month before. He had not known about it, and had suddenly discovered a post that i wrote mentioning it.
I don’t think he was able to write one paragraph without putting me down or being very abusive and so presumtive. I responded (the blue colour),
Unfortunately he was really unwilling to apologise properly or take responsibility for his mistakes, and continued to put me down and berate me both publicly and privately. By this point, which is still pretty early on in the abusive tirade that followed, it was clear to me that I was dealing with someone who i could not talk with or help.. and i knew in my heart that the way he carried on, there was just NO WAY we could have someone this negative and abusive in our core group. It was already killing me!
Although he made a very slight attempt to introspect, and made a completely half hearted apology it was clear that he didn’t really understand what he had done wrong or what he was even trying to apologise for. I wrote a HUGE long response because i felt i at least owed him that, to explain why his behaviour was not OK.. I feel that since ive shared his messages, i should at least share one of mine, so you can see how i spoke with him. Here is some of it, ive cut out some of it as its so long and all the same tone.
My Response -
Note that i had written a few things before hand, mainly stating i had lost respect patience and respect for him. I had also indicated that i could not work like this.
SO FINALLY, i started getting private messages from him.. This last one was the icing on the cake.. He started out OH SO WELL, as i began reading i was hoping he may see with a bit more clarity. but then .. oops. what kind of introspection is this!? Please enjoy this epitome of violent communication:
Anyway, i hope that wasn’t too much detail to wade through.. and just so its Very clear that is just 10% of the entire thing, which is mostly him accusing me of being this or that.. all of it is completely in his own mind, there is no truth to any of it.. In fact what was very strange was that EVERYTHING he was accusing me of, HE was actually doing! Literally, it was beyond logic to me.. i simply could not go on with this guy! He just could not be more wrong about me, and despite @orlevs attempts to tell him, IM NOT THAT GUY, he just didn’t believe him.
SO there we have it folks! Drama is over, and WE can now get back to positive movement toward my visit in March! IF you didn’t know I will be visiting the ecoVillage in March so we can get this show on the road.
I would also like to say that my communication could have been better as well! I don’t feel i was at all abusive back to him (although he would disagree of course).. but i decided very early on to not even waste my time trying to resolve this conflict since i was pretty sure another one would soon follow. Rather than even try to really chat it out further than i already had, i just had to give up on him! I do wish him well on his path, but am quite relieved to not have to be dealing with so much negativity as we move forward!
SO! I’m happy to say we have really demonstrated to ourselves HOW important NVC is to us.. I thank @orlev and Tslil for supporting me through this drama, i know it was hard for them also. I 100% recognize that both of them are naturals at NVC, and im SO happy to be working with people who uphold the same values that I do! Now, Lets get this show on the road!
<3 xxx
I think now would be a VERY good time to mention that I have just launched an NVC workshop here on Steem! This is a special opportunity for us to learn some amazing tricks that can literally allow you to make a breakthrough in your communication and ability to resolve all conflicts using NVC.
NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION WORKSHOP WITH @ECOTRAIN - Join us & heal your relationships and your life.
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Having seen the whole ping-pong conversation (feeling honoured to be a trusted friend!) I can only reiterate that I'm amazed by your restraint. Having experienced what might have been a challenging website chat with you the other day, let me reiterate that you are GOOD at diffusing conflict and resistance. :)
Any new project needs 100% pulling in the same direction for lift off... a well established eco-village community of 20 CAN handle one person with communication and personality conflicts, but yes, you're right, in the green hat creation stage, ANY destructive elements need to be weeded out.
Being privy to the drama and then also reading the Non Violent Communication challenge post, I'm instantly more aware that so often I could be different in the way I communicate. Appreciating this episode has already served a purpose, and contemplating my NVC post for the first week of the workshop challenge. :)
Encouraged by the idea of eco-village starting clearly with NVC principles in place.
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@eco-alex
Thank you for sharing your experience with the start of your ecoVillage. I've seen similar behaviors in the military and in my IRL jobs. Your case is one of the unique ones since your group is creating something from nothing. It's a high-risk/high-reward scenario where you literally start building with just hopes and dreams and maintain it with an infusing of cash.
Steve Jobs started out the same way with Apple. He couldn't afford to pay his workforce at some point and asked people to continue working in exchange for stocks. Those that stayed became million- and billionaires.
Best of luck. In my current commercial IRL job, I wouldn't have handled it differently. In my past military life, I would certainly have seen it handled differently. Different perspectives I guess.
Build your dream.
@scholaris
Thanks for sharing this very moving story, @eco-alex!
To me this phrase sums up the entire situation. As much as I agree that it was probably the best idea to part ways with him, I also think I understand where all his negativity was coming from. Somewhere I heard or read that the opposite of love is not hate, it's fear. And I have seen how irrational people can get from being afraid of whatever: potential nazis or terrorists in the bushes, or government authorities, as in this case, for doing something illegal (I understand that selling the ECO coin was such an issue for him).
In fact, I have experienced the effect of fear myself with the benign example of poison oak, a plant that causes an itchy rash if you touch it. Though it grows all over the west coast, it is commonly associated with California. So once we crossed the state line on our bike trip we immediately became so concerned about it, that an otherwise lovely and welcoming forest suddenly appeared fearsome, malevolent, and outright dangerous. Though a big part of this fear was that neither of us could actually identify poison oak (for the first few days at least), which is the factor of the unknown, or unfamiliar.
So I believe another take away lesson from this story is that we must help each other conquer our fears of the unknown before it wrecks havoc on everyone.
Wow .. so much drama this early on!!! This makes the project very promising in terms of the polar opposit this community will be; strength of mind!!!
Crazy story, sorry you had to go through it, but I guess it was better to find out now instead of later on when this person had a lot more time and money invested!!!
Can't wait to get into the NVC too 😁.
thans mate! yes u didnt see a fraction of the abuse, but its not necessary to dig it all up.. lessons learned, and NVC is highlighted very well! Are you going to join us for the workshop>!?
yeah I'll love to... I'm about to see the post about it.
Some problems that NVC tries to solve
can be solved by a clean cut much faster. 😎
At the Yoga ashram I had my fair share of experiences, how one disturbed person can spoil it for the rest of a group/team.
And sometimes them crazies have so much power/ energy, maybe a case of Kundalini directed wrongly, that the only way to dissolve the situation, and also to protect other people from them, is to expel them.
One of my rules in dealing with people has always been:
"One cannot allow the unwell people to make the healthy people also unwell."
So you made the clean cut, congratulations!
Thanks mate! Glad u see it how i do! It aint easy dealing with this kind of thing... and your quote is spot on, i will engrave it in my mind! Xx
Thanks for sharing this initial drama, it's true there might be more.
That's not a good way of starting an inception of an eco-village, specially focusing the "attack" on the coin/token... but it's eye opening for the different people that might pop up.
The coin doesn't have that much marketcap or volume to even start accusing of something like greed... you are brainstorming and planning, and you even have experience with this kind of building, so it's not like your all just improvising, but things have to be planned (in peace).
It seems that someone jumped the gun, or someone just plain decided to attack the idea or yourself personally.
Cheers to you for your cool and wishes of the best planning possible.
Crikey, that sounds full on!
Has this person has much IRL interaction, I get the feeling they may spend a lot of time on their own online, that might explain how someone can let such a fantasy build in their heads....?
Good that you've had the courage to ask them to leave, that's not a pleasant thing to have to do.
Onwards and springwards, phew!
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You know it is better that this has happened in the beginning, I am not in any way trying to belittle what happened, but it would have been far worst further down the line. At least now you can all move forward and create the ecovillage as it should be. All of this is a teaching, an opportunity to learn and strengthened your NVC skills. I am very excited about this project and have 100% confidence in you and your vision Alex, some people can feel threaten by those who are so passionate and so on point, you are creating the world you want and are standing in your power whilst doing it, another reason for some to feel threaten. You handled this very well and I hope that he will take the time to reflect and learn from this experience. xxxx
couldnt agree more. exactly what i said.. thank god we dealt with this early on.. and to be honest im not so sure how far we would have gotten otherwise!
thanks for the support, it means a lot <3 xx
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