From a slave to a master, chapter # 12 - The Dualistic Structure of relationships, part IV

A Memoir

Excerpt: In this last article of the serious about dualism in relationships, I am further elaborating on the meaning of living as a couple in the duality; how married and not-married spouses conduct their years together. In the end, I stretch the term “dualism” to somewhat far regions of our daily reality.

Credit: Murilo Maciel

The Inter-gender inherent conflict that expressed itself so gravely throughout the courting period of time does not vanish once the bond becomes official, i.e. the woman and the man choose to get married.

I refer to a "woman" and "man" in a heterosexual relationship but it should be clear that the duality exists in same-sex relationships as well. The male and female attributes are independent of the physicality.

Although the wedding ceremony itself may be thrilling, euphoric and extremely promising as far as the common future is expected to be, the hard-core facts of life dawn upon the happy couple very quickly soon after the joyous moment is over. In most cases, neither one of the spouses is willing to admit – at least not to his/her peer - that s/he does not feel any longer the oneness that categorized their early times together. They both indeed feel that ‘something’ has changed but they somewhat refuse to admit, even to themselves, that they had been wrong and prince charming or princess bride are not what they got in the deal.

The more the spouses are aware of the nature of the current events in their lives and the more they are exposed to cultural influences such as self-help literature, the sooner they conclude that their relationship lacks something basic. They also understand that the small and mild arguments that they have had during the courting period of time are now becoming enormous boulders on their common path, which put an immediate threat to the continuation of their relationship. Many of the divorces that take place in the first years of the marriage, are caused by this same reason, that is, one of the spouses becomes fully aware, perhaps for the first time, of the built-in and serious difficulty in their personal relationship; an adversity of which they both have ignored and refused to deal with, either because their spouse was not collaborating or lack of alertness from his/her part.

In the recent times, we are witnessing a general inner awakening of humans which its causes can be related to the feminist agenda. This recent trend has come to the front mostly by middle-aged women who after raising a family have woken up to a very unsatisfying romantic relationship and a poor love life. Such women realized that their lives lack a substantial emotional essence. They have noticed that although the man in their lives is supportive, understanding, caring and loving, something meaningful is still missing. Such lack, often unconscious, is still critical enough to make the woman miserable.

Credit: magravenart

The collapse of marriages

Due to the above-described situation, many of the old-aged relationships that were built on a dualistic structure are now falling apart or undergo a tremendous chaos and disorder. Some have chosen the way out, but in more than just a few cases, spouses have chosen to remain together and not divorce. Then, following many years of struggles, fights, arguments, and hell, they have managed to find the golden trail on which they walk bruised but content. Such a trail has several different alleys which on one of them I wish to further elaborate:

Some couples have accepted their dire situation only because they had no alternative. And there comes a time when together they realize that the emotional-mental-physical conflict with its daily hassles is not worth it and that the on-going suffering exhausts them and literally destroys the gentle fabric of their family life. Throughout the years they have managed to raise children and build a nest. However, all those achievements were created on an unstable ground which collapses as soon as an external catalyst comes to sweep them into a charged vortex of emotions and desires.

Such catalyst can be a spouse’s betrayal, a too demanding career or a tragic health event that change the power balance in the relationship. Whatever the case may be, it usually causes a fast and serious deterioration in their life together which by now becomes almost unbearable, with no meaningful conversations or ones which often end with frustration and bitterness. Naturally, such situation cannot last forever and the couple realizes, at last, that they must make a decision one way or the other.

Because of their fear of the consequences of dismantling their family they, choose to remain together, unhappy as they are, accepting the fact that “this is how life is” and “all the couples eventually compromise”, and “the happiness of the family is more important than my own”. They do remember though that their inherent conflict has not been solved but they are so weary and hopeless that they welcome the peace and quiet they have managed to create.

Such an attitude in itself evokes within them positive characteristics like patience, understanding, compassion, restraint, and self-control. The loss of passion and desire between them is a reasonable price they are willing to pay for achieving the serenity, security, and peace in their old age.

It is not so rare to hear about golden-aged couples who seemingly conduct a pleasant and peaceful relationship. The man may declare that he loves his wife more than ever before, and such a statement will be justly expressed because the man has finally found his place in the relationship. The woman as well is content with her place. That being the case they now free and available to develop their intimacy under circumstances of harmony and peace. Such a state of being is blessed as long as it is real because if the couple only repressed unsolved conflicts they would lock themselves in a box and would not be able to reach real love.

No one can ever judge a couple who decides to sacrifice its own happiness for others, be it relatives or the children. However, such spouses should remember that their issues have not disappeared and eventually will demand full attention and care. Deluding oneself that one’s relationship is fine while one’s soul keeps knocking on the chambers of one’s heart might only delay and accelerate the inevitable distress. It is worth mentioning as well that inner unhappiness is seen and felt by the surrounding people and can never be concealed, no matter how deceiving the mask that one wears is.

Credit: Kazuya Akimoto Art Museum

Duality in other spheres

Duality may present itself also in surprising fields where we normally would not expect to have a dualistic pattern of thought. Contemplate the notion of “True Love”, is it good or bad?; are values and behaviors, such as fidelity, caring, thoughtfulness good or bad? is depression good? Bad? What if your dear and powerful spouse would suddenly burst into tears at the dinner table, collapsing emotionally and physically? What would you do? How would you feel? If you are the kind of humans who watch the world and your relationship in particular solely through dualistic and rose-colored lenses you would probably freak out in front of such occurrence. You would surely describe the situation as sad, depressing, threatening, frightening, and confusing and you would also add that you have no idea what has happened to your spouse and why s/he has fallen apart like that.

Nonetheless, the wide crack that has just appeared in your safe, warm and tranquil family-atmosphere must be dealt at once else a tragic crisis might follow it sooner than later. It is a cry from your soul and you better listen.

The best way to deal with such situation is to examine the perception and beliefs system that govern your life. I will address this issue in the following articles. Here and now I wish to note that hadn't the person hold a dualistic perspective about life in the first place, they would haven't judged the events in terms of “good” Vs. “bad”. Rather they would have understood that each event – even the most difficult one – is an experience in the complete essence called ‘life’ and the moral or ethical judgment is merely limiting and useless.

The non-dualistic approach to life

In fact, when one adopts an all-embracing attitude and an expanded broad view which is non-dualistic, many of the dualistic occurrences never happen in the first place. They simply slide away next to one’s reality and never penetrate one’s reality. And in those cases where one finds oneself in the midst of the drama, their wisdom helps them to understand their role in the scenario, They then release the attachments and move on.

In the above example, a mature and broad approach to life would make one feel securable and confident in their reality and by that would enable one to treat the spouse’s outbursts with patience, compassion, and love. One would know that nothing is wrong with crying or ‘losing the nerves’ and therefore one could approach the unbalanced spouse from a much more tranquil position.

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In conclusion

The main point that I have stressed in the last four articles was that most of the contemporary relationships - and romantic relationships in particular – are based on the duality that is well-rooted in the mass-consciousness web of conflicts. In future articles, describing my path, I will elaborate and explain the meaning of dualism and some common beliefs that structure humanity’s current reality.