What I Need to Feel Whole
I have been writing a lot about mental health lately because I have been trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone on my “good days” and try to get back to feeling good on my “bad days.”
Today, I was out at lunch with a group of my girlfriends that I have known for quite a while and the topic of depression came up because one of the women has another friend that refuses to get out of bed and only leaves the house to go to counseling appointments.
This friend of hers had been described previously as the life of the party and the woman that everyone went to for a laugh or joke when they needed to feel more positive.
What Do You Need?
I have never felt more loved in my life than during this conversation because the woman with the friend that is struggling turned to me and asked me what I need to feel whole since I also struggle with depression.
It’s rare that people want to openly address mental health struggles, especially in a public place, and we were at Olive Garden at the time of this conversation. If you want the truth, I was a little taken aback by her question because I never expected it.
And she didn’t look at me, as others have done in the past, like she judged me for the depression or the fact that I talk openly about it.
What I Need?
What I told her that I need in order to feel loved is this:
• I need to feel loved: I need to feel that I am not being judged and that I am loved for who I am without anyone needing to change me.
• Don’t just “check on me”: I have seen a lot of Facebook posts about checking on your friends, which is admirable. But, its not what we need. I want to be around people that I can be vulnerable with and that are authentic in their care for me.
• Allow me to be vulnerable: It’s great that you want to be supportive by telling me that I’m strong and I’ll get through but that isn’t always what I need to hear. I need to know that its ok to be myself and to be vulnerable.
• I need to be part of the community: I need to feel like I belong somewhere as part of a community where they want me there for me and not just to pick my brain.
• I need to feel cherished: I need long lunches for problem solving (like this one) and to reach out to others that may need to be included too.
• I need deep friendship: I’m honestly so tired of surface level friendships that only talk about the weather, I want the friendships that talk about the deeper subjects in life like how to help others more effectively or how to create a new form of art or expression. There’s so much that can be discussed in life but it isn’t. And it should be!
What Can Be Done for Your Friend?
My advice to my friend was that she needs to listen to her friend and make her feel heard, no matter what she wants to talk about to feel better. Having a true friend in your corner is so important.
Next, I encouraged her to ask her friend to try to get outside for 5 minutes a day onto the front porch to try to get some sunlight because she’s likely Vitamin D deficient now.
She eats nothing but fast food burgers that her husband brings her because he doesn’t know how to cook and she stopped cooking years ago because she doesn’t want to. So, I suggested that real food might help her feel better, fast food is just never really a good feeling in your gut.
The doctor has her very medicated at the moment and I don’t think it’s the right combination of meds if she is still not getting out of bed or leaving the house. So, I suggested to have the doctor try another combination of medication, but carefully.
This was all based on my own experience but I would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on how to help this woman because she has completely given up on life and is waiting to die. She is 81 years old but had been in almost perfect health before this bout of depression. And there is no family history of diagnosed depression.
Thanks for reading!
Ivy
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Some great comments already, so shan't repeat them; just to add that, as you say, being connected online is nowhere near the same as being connected in real life. As the medium is words, it can be a case of trial-and-error to find the right key-words to unlock a feeling of stasis. Of course, a hug can help, but that needs real contact :-)
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Thank you so much for your help and support! You are amazing :)
It can be hard to find the right words to relate to others and to get your point across, I definitely understand that. Finding people in real life to give you a hug is the best way to go if you can because sometimes you need some physical reassurance.
Ivy
Thank you so much @socent for taking the time to keep discussing this very important topic that isn't discussed enough and is very misunderstood.
To start, I would say that all the things you listed are very important not only to someone suffering with depression, but any human being, and most importantly they would be excellent guidelines for any successful relationship.
Depression is something that can be tied to physical trauma (such as a TBI or any number of health conditions).
Depression can also be something tied to a mental condition, either something you may have lived with your whole life such as bipolar disorder or something with a later onset such as dementia.
But basically, anything that can cause depression is a physical condition because it is founded in the brain, which is a physical organ, and operates on very physical foundations: chemicals, hormones, synapses and such.
It DOESNT operate on good intentions and warm fuzzy thoughts. You can't heal depression by looking at more kitty motivational posters and watching doctor Phil. I am speaking of chronic depression here not the ups and downs that everyone goes through.
Since depression is a physical condition that is tied up with the body's physical health and well-being then it goes to say that there are many measures you can take that improve your physical health that will also improve depression.
You are correct in saying that healthy food will help a lot. So will exercise. So will human interaction (studies have shown that everyone gets healthier with human interaction and the healthiest societies in the world are those which are the most interactive).
I've worked with the elderly before and seen the full spectrum of functionality. Unfortunately they are much more susceptible to health conditions but like with everyone, as long as you are pulling breath it's never too late to try for better health.
About meds: I'm not a doctor, and this isn't medical advice, but let's say that overmedication of the elderly (as well as the young with depression) is a serious problem.
I've seen elderly people who were practically comatose go to being high functioning and getting out and about on their own every day when they (with a doctor's supervision) cut most of their meds.
I've seen the same things with fellow young combat vets who had been prescribed bucketloads of meds for every thinkable condition.
Holistic and natural is the best way to go IMO before seeking medicated alternatives.
My grandma is in her 90s, lives alone, and has had several surgeries. She would seem the prime candidate for depression, but she is extremely high functioning. However it's a full time job for her.
She gets out and interacts with friends every day, goes to the local rec center and does swim aerobics several times a day edit "week", and with my encouragement has got off of the narcotics that she was prescribed for chronic pain and is instead treating them by keeping active and strong so that her body supports itself better, eating healthy, and using lower risk alternatives for pain such as NSAIDs, ice and heat, stretching, and elevation.
It may sound cruel trying to keep the pain meds away from my grandma, but when they turn her into a constipated, dizzy, forgetful individual who suddenly is nonfunctional and depressed you can judge for yourself what the better kindness is.
You are so lucky to have supportive friends and your friends are so lucky to have a friend who is so in touch with herself and courageous enough to take charge of such difficult topics.
This is such a wonderful comment and I am so grateful to you for it! Your grandmother sounds like such an amazing woman with tremendous strength! I quit all mental health meds in 2015 and the withdrawal symptoms alone made me want to die so I never plan on going back on those meds again. I don't recommend this course of action for everyone but I didn't think they were helping me and I had crazy side effects that I just couldn't handle anymore. We all make our own decisions for our health and that was mine. Everyone should definitely consult a doctor before making any health decisions and listen to the advice of their doctor. I think that depression can be partially treated with a more positive mindset but that is not the only determining factor. You are right that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and should be treated as such. I love your comments and appreciate that you make them.
Ivy
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spot on!
Thanks!
Ivy
Thank you for this article. I am pretty much the person who barely leaves the apartment/bed, except I have no one bringing me food or anything and I'm 39. I don't expect more than Facebook well wishes, and I don't ask for more, because I'm already a burden. If people wanted to do more, they would.
I can relate to where you are coming from because I hid in my house for 3 years on and off completely by myself and isolated because I just didn't care enough to put forth any effort anymore. Let me start by saying that you are not alone in your struggle. I struggle and I have met quite a few wonderful people on Steemit and Discord that face similar challenges.
One thing that helped me to start to feel like myself again was taking a shower every day (even when I didn't want to) and going outside for 5 minutes every single day (even if it was raining or snowing). This helped me to start to feel grounded and not like I was floating away or something.
No one in this world is a burden, we are all here for a reason and have something to contribute to the colletive society that is our own unique contribution. You definitely have a gift to share with others, we all do.
People that don't understand the struggle find it hard to relate and even harder to reach out to us and know what to say. It hurts to watch a loved one struggle with depression or any mental health challenge and its hard to try to help but not know how to.
Is there someone in your life that you could try talking to about how you feel on your bad days that can help you find ways to bring you back from the darkness on those days? That's how I started. I reached out to my sister one day and told her everything, she had no idea how bad I felt or that I needed someone desperately to talk to.
My friend @nathankaye started a Discord chat specifically for having someone to talk to on your dark days and checks in with everyone that leaves a message there. Here's a link to it if you feel it could help you. https://discord.gg/psBXzK7
Sending you love and light,
Ivy
Thank you. :)
You are most welcome :)
Ivy
Having a "bad moment" seems sometimes a taboo sometimes sadly because we are not only ashamed of reaching out but because of embarassment, sometimes people assert blatantly they don't want to deal with your moodiness or they show you so... I'm overall a rather cheerful person... but I deal with some health issues so I tend to be physically tired (health of the body also ends up affecting your mind because you are aware your endurance or your performance is not what it should be and have stalled many dreams while I'm on the mend). But I know tons of sorrow and grief and I get down, maybe not really depressed (I struggle to wake up though some days, as if waking from my dreams were a punishment, especially if I dream of things lost) so I wondered for a while but I usually find my feet and strength to stand up and convey those dismal thoughts into art. Yes I know a lot about sadness and longing and mourning. But I've coped with the fact of needing to belong, of worse even, thinking people cared for me when they obviously did not. Like they're there for the good times and not for the times you need comfort... People that do care will always find you without having even to ask to be reached... And I'm grateful to all the ones that did care to reach out when I was in distress during my life. And grateful to all who didn't because sometimes I found a way to become stronger on my own. This issues are personal and different on everyone, I have felt alarm sometimes at my thoughts and I had the will to halt them there...
I find comfort in Nature, animals, being part of a whole... and I don't feel the urge to belong to "people" so much. I welcome those who love me for what I am, and I don't force any of those that don't bother about it. I'm comforted tears hugging a tree. Yet it's true, we sometimes need to talk... but also I've regretted many times afterwards I chose the wrong people to confide my concerns, I don't like to close the doors of my soul, so I expose happily myself every time... vulnerable as it is...
@yidneth you always know the perfect thing to say! There is so much good information in this comment, thank you so much for sharing. I wish more people would realize that we all have bad moments or bad days and no one should be judged harshly for that. Even if you don't struggle with physical or mental ails you can still have a bad day so should be able to relate (at least in part) to a struggle that someone else faces.
I do like the point that you made about mind-body connection because that is something that not everyone thinks of. I don't always put it together in my own life.
Your art and music is soulful and beautiful while bringing so much to the world. I'm grateful that you are able to translate your dismal thoughts into wonderful artwork that we can all benefit from. We all need an outlet to vent whatever we need to get out. I use writing as my outlet because I am gifted in this area.
It can be difficult sometimes to figure out who to trust with our feelings and who to avoid. I can understand that challenge. I have trusted the wrong people in the past and have ended up branded "crazy" if I disagreed with someone about something. "What do you know? You're crazy anyway." Meh. Their loss because we are AWESOME! And they are missing out on this awesomeness haha :)
Sometimes strength is found in adversity when we didn't think we could survive something or figure things out on our own. You are a sensitive woman with a passion for nature rather than people. I have been contemplating moving out of the city myself for quite some time because I am not really wanting to socialize with people anymore. Now give me some deer to talk to and I'm all set!
I appreciate your vulnerability because it makes you unique and so easy to love. Thank you, my friend, for such wisdom and insight that you shared!
Ivy
When I was a child, barely a wee thing I watched what for me is still my favourite movie... The Dark Crystal... apparently a children's movie it taught me all light and all shadow is uneven, uncomplete, the gentle mystics represented all that was good and the skeksis our flaws... but at the end of the movie, "healing" the crystal was "merging" them both into a whole.
So, though yes I'm ather clownish muppety rat (my friends call me The Fraggle Princess) but I can get really sad... I still mourn my dog after almost 15 years... and yes I cry for her, and I smile grateful for having had her, and I welcome that sorrow because it means it was true "care" and love and It just says I miss it.
I never feel anger though... guess if that is a flaw for example...
But fear and sorrow, yes those are ones I'm familiar with
befriend your fear and it won't drag you down lots of my art conveys the significance of fear, of their warning... and at the end what they have taught me. The third album is Fear no More
But if you love something, you fear to lose it, you miss to lose it as much as you enjoy to love it. Always the balance of things to what's even.
I'm kind of quiet person, I love animals... and forest, and rescuing bees... and I tend to be silly but with underlying bit shy nature... but that doesn't mean I don't love people... I've been blessed by so many lovely friends... and precisely because I never pretended to be anyone else but me, those are long-term enduring loving ones I treasure.
I have met amazing people (even online where you would think you have to be more cautious because you don't know well, or they don't know you well... and you are exposed to things) yet still I don't usually shield. I do not take vulnerability for weakness.
But it's true I tend to be a quiet one, and sometimes all I need is to hug a tree, to listen the birds chirping, to feel I'm whole because I'm part of it "all", another piece in the wonderful living being this world is. A speck of life... maybe small but significant... as everyone elses.
I have heard of that movie before but have never watched it myself, maybe I should! Dogs are amazing creatures that love unconditionally and bring so much love into our lives that I don't blame you for still missing your girl. You have shared pictures of her in the past and she was a beauty that looked like she loved you very much :)
Lately I don't really feel anger either, I feel more disappointment in situations that used to make me really angry. I think I have moved away from a position of anger into more acceptance that things are the way they are.
I like that "befriend your fear and it won't drag you down," it makes so much sense but I've never seen it put like that before. I feel like I use that in my writing but I've never really thought about it in those terms. I just write what comes to my mind and heart.
You are such a sweet and intuitive soul, the world is lucky to have a spirit such as yours that feels so deeply and desires to help other souls.
Deep connections with great friends are what life should be about. I prefer to have a handful of amazing friends vs a ton of friends that are surface level relationships.
I'm sitting here listening to it pouring down rain outside and reading this. Nature is beautiful to be part of and to take time to appreciate. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness that you have shared!
Ivy
Pouring rain can be a relaxing thing, with hot soup and tea... sounds comforting... I sometimes don't let it stop me from going outdoors... I just take my umbrella or a raincoat and it's quite interesting to just walk under the rain without caring much to get wet.
Yes, long time ago I found the difference between acquaintances and friendship... You don't see a friend in a long time, but you smile everytime you meet... you always care and are happy for them when things go right... And they don't have to be many... just significant. But I've been blessed with so many insanely talented friends... that I feel part of many different worlds... theirs too...:)
Yes, I've made this project "Fear no More" so that quote is from the lyrics of the song A Door Ajar. All the three CDS are connected but this last one is more a journey of acceptance... like the night horrors I drew menacing in the first album are now invisible friends...
I don't know if I'm intuitive, at least I think I observe, but I'm kind of naive sometimes too...
But well that allows me to feel happy with the flutter of a butterfly
I have two dogs so I sometimes take them outside in the rain to play and they love it! They don't like the bath that they get after getting wet and muddy but they love playing in the rain! Tea is one of my first loves. I will sit down with some tea anytime. When it's hot outside here I just add some ice to it :)
I have a handful of people in my life that I call family even though we're not biologically related because they are my best friends and have been there through all the ups and downs.
You have a big following on YouTube as well, right? I think Serena had mentioned it before. I love your music and need to make a point of listening while I work! Your voice is soothing.
I think we are all naive sometimes so you aren't alone in that. You have a big heart that loves to give to others and I pray that you will always be rewarded for your sweet spirit.
Ivy
Serena and I knew each other in 2002 in a site called mp3 dot com. Dino was also there and Hector my partner...! It's funny how Steemit has reunited us all. And we all still find comfort in music... I'd say that's a success so far. !
Aw, thanks for the compliment, I would not say I have a huge following on youtube XD, I've neglected it a bit for too long, but among all all social networks yes I have my following mostly off chain still.
But as with "friends" you don't need such a huge following but a significant and fair amount of supporters... they don't have to be many but "caring"... and I think I'm still blessed with that.
For a decade I released my independent CDs and toured and lived off my art... so I had a reasonable success (within my non mainstream genre). Good things of doing something that is niche (like fantasy music) is that most of the artists in the genre get to have a name in it, at least after two decades.
I had to stall things a little due to health but slowly finding my feet again. Music was always very healing to me and is the main reason to create it. I always say that the success is to still have that dream in your hands and that dream still means something... for me is enough and I still have that :) it's not a small thing to have :) So sometimes step forwards lead you to make steps back... or apparently so. My goals now are humble, release my third illustrated music project, heal, create...
And have my dogs and ratties again somewhere green :)
tea yes, tea and coffee both... I'm a lady with a mug most of the time...
I love hot soup on winter rainy days (in a mug too)
That is so funny that you all have found each other again on Steemit! I'm glad you did because you are all wonderful people. Thank you for sharing so much of your life. I love hearing stories about people's lives. Thank you for being so sweet and a new online friend <3
Ivy