Getting Nowhere Fast

I wanted to write something nerdy tonight but my heart just isn’t in it. To be honest, my heart isn’t much into anything at the present time. I’m feel as though I’m at a complete standstill. I have been here before and clawed my way out but this time, the weight feels a bit heavier than prior times I’ve been in the dumps.

I haven’t written about this at all yet as it’s a very complicated situation, but I have been unhappy with my business for quite some time. I’m super proud of what we’ve accomplished but I feel unchallenged and unappreciated. It’s not one thing but a whole slew of issues plaguing me.

The growing trend of online shops like Amazon have definitely put a hurting on small guys like us. The fact that so many other retailers have created collectibles sections in their store just makes our store that “less special”. We used to be the only place to get Funko Pops but now you can get them everywhere. Wanted a cool Batman figure or statue? Now you can go to Gamestop or Think Geek in the mall instead of your local comic shop. We’ve seen countless customers sell us out and snag that item that they used to get from us, elsewhere. That all hurts and this has been by far, our worst year since our first.

Sure, with less business it’s less money which is super stressful. That is a ton of the weight I’m carrying currently as I feel as though I can never be comfortable or god forbid, ahead. Yet that’s not even the main gripe. I think I’m just losing my passion for it. It’s not what I want to be doing with my life long term and as I am getting close to pushing 40, I see time as one of the villains I’m battling aggressively. There is only so much time I get to have on this planet and I’m wasting so much time doing things that no longer bring me joy.

I also have a business partner in which butting heads is a common occurrence. He was one of my best friends growing up but I often wonder how close we would be if we didn’t have the shop connecting us. I’ve known him for over 30 years now and we both always shared our love for this world together. Yet we often are not on the same page when it comes to the business. I’m not saying I’m right and he’s wrong. I’m saying it’s hard to find common ground sometimes. I find myself conceding more often than not, just to avoid the argument.

It’s a bunch of feelings and emotions and I just feel like I’m letting my life get away from me. I’m not in control currently and I’m just going through the motions. I feel like a zombie and I’m just waiting for someone to put a knife in my brain Walking Dead style, to end the repetitive cycle of madness.

I definitely need to do some strong soul searching regarding the business in the coming months. I have to get to a point where I’m happy with what I’m doing or I’ll be driven mad.

Sadly the business isn’t the only thing that has me in the doldrums. Anyone here who knows me is aware of my love and affinity for my pups. My pack of 4 and I were the thing of legend. I truly feel as though they helped me to be a better person and I look to them for guidance.

I have since lost 2 members in my boys Bandit and Kitano. I can’t believe it but in February, it’ll be 4 years since Bandit left my side. Some days it feels like it’s been eternity since I could look into his beautiful, deep, and perfect eyes. Other days, a memory pops into my head and I can still feel his thick fur and his misshapen egghead as I run my fingers through his coat. A huge piece of me died with him that cold morning in February right before my 35th birthday. It’s something I’ve never been able to get back...no matter how hard I try.

Kitano or Tano as we called him, passed the first week of September. His departure is much more recent and raw as it’s just been 2 months. Tano really stepped up to the plate in recent years to help fill a bit of the void left by a Bandit. He followed me...everywhere. He was my shadow and he let me bask daily, in the warmth of his love. The loss of that again is something I’m not really sure how to deal with. Without the boys here, my heart wanders aimlessly...searching for a place to belong. It’s shattered and fragmented and completely incapable of being pieced back together without seeing the cracks.

I still have my 2 girls which I’m so grateful for, but the reality of the situation is that Bindi is now 15. She just turned it last week. She’s doing great but I’m under no illusions that time is not our friend when it comes to her. I’m at the point where I’m practically making myself sick over thinking of the day when it’s just me and Maya left from the original crew.

I just don’t deal well with loss. Especially the loss of perfect creatures that I have spent every day with for a large and important portion of my life. To me it’s so final. I just don’t know how to deal with that properly and I’m not sure I’ll ever figure that out. I think I just have to carry that pain and learn how to cope. I’m know I’m not the first person to feel grief and pain from the loss of a loved one. We all have to go through it. Even you, reading this right now. It’s just how it goes.

Time and aging is tough. It’s been brutal for my mom in recent years. She suffers from a form of Parkinson’s and Dementia. It’s been a slow and steady decline that came right after her bout with Cancer, and my father has been taking care of her through it all. It’s a noble thing but I can see how much it’s worn him down as well. I feel terrible for my mom but I also feel like I’ve already lost her. What’s still here is just a shell of her former self.

Gone are the times of her asking about my day. No more does she laugh at my inappropriate jokes. I miss that laugh. There’s a small part of her in there but it rarely comes out to play these days. My dad is the strongest and best man I know. Yet even he can’t hide from me the fact that he’s sad and tired. I can see it. We all can.

Watching your partner deteriorate before your eyes has to be absolutely soul crushing and I’m sorry he has to play that out. I love my parents so much and am grateful for everything they’ve taught me. They were and are, shining examples of what a role model should be. They are without a doubt, 2 of my heroes that I look up to and aspire to be like.

I do have a bunch of wonderful things in my life that I am eternally grateful for and when I feel the inspiration, I’d love to do a post on those things. Basically it’ll be the complete opposite of this post.

These few things are just what I can muster up to discuss at the moment. I also know I’m just rambling at this point and for that, I apologize. I’ll be fine so no need to get worried. Sometimes just writing about things helps me cope. I just need to hunker down and figure out how to manage the dark aspects of life. I can’t avoid them and pretend they don’t exist. I have to deal with these things and situations head on. I’ll get it. Might take some wallowing in my own self pity for a bit but I’ll dig out soon enough. I just hope I have the strength to make the necessary changes that so obviously need to be made.

Thanks for listening folks.

A Very Tired & Temporarily Lost,

Blewitt