I Stopped My Power Down and Will Power Up Instead
This is going to be an incredibly raw and honest post, for me... and to anyone else that is willing to entertain this. I've had a series of realizations over the past few days after finding myself in metric fuckton of negative situations. I'm more than scared right now but I feel alive and am equally excited for what the future can hold.
After learning that I was willing to power down and withdraw my crypto, my roommate decided that we weren't going to move anymore. He didn't want me to struggle to make him happier. I'm far from a saint, selfishly willing to give up on Steemit, everyone and everything I had once cared about. I almost threw everything away.
I will never go a day without being grateful for the caliber of friends I 'm blessed to have.
I spent the past several days laying in bed and moping about my life being in shambles, hating myself more than ever. Being weak, and unable to improve anything in my life that I lost my faith. From my narrow view, my life was falling apart all around me.
It wasn't until I was staring at my power down today, that I realized that having additional funds would be nice, but not worth losing my dreams over. I had spent enough time alone to question myself and my life.
This is My Truth
I think it makes sense to start with this. I'm really scared of people, all the time.
I've been abused and hurt in ways that I don't feel comfortable in mentioning in detail.
I'm also aware of my obsessive and emotional behavior, and how I can and have easily given my life to things that only destroyed me in the end. Because of this, I'm extra cautious of how much time, depth, and attention I give something, for it easily becomes my world. If something matters enough to someone else, I engross myself and mistake another person's wishes as my own desire.
I have completely lost myself before, and I end up being the complete naive fool. I want to be myself and live without being scared everyday.
I eventually pull back out of being scared. Becoming unable to deepen bonds and express myself. I don't know what to say, or if what I will say or do will hurt someone else, and I want to say I'm okay when someone asks me and really mean it. I don't mean for people to hate or dislike me, but other's opinions shouldn't outweigh the ones I have of myself.
I CHALLENGE MYSELF TO OPEN UP
And take more chances, talk more to others, and not live isolated anymore. I came to this conclusion because of Steemit. When I was really down these past several days, people reached out to me.
People I've never met in my life, showed me so much love and compassion, that I couldn't believe that this is how dumb, and how depressed I was being in the face of people that care about me. I've been incredibly selfish.
I literally don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I barely have a grasp of who I am as well. BUT, being a part of a community where people lift others up... It lifted me up too. I don't even know where to start, except that I am going to be on Steemit more and talk more.
@celestal brought me to @tarazkp's post, and made me realize that I was essentially breaking away from everything and everyone that helped me most.
My Plan
Is to work on myself and use Steemit everyday, and embrace all of the sincerity, and love there is here and not take it for granted. I DON'T CARE IF I FAIL, AS LONG AS I TRY. I am going to speak and interact without fear of the future or preconcieved notions of the past. I want to not hold back anymore, and fail a lot and learn a lot wihtout being in a sheet of bubble wrapped safety.
I don't know what I'll write, but it will be anything but sad. I AM DONE BEING SAD.
I don't have the words, but I appreciate the love, people, understanding, expression, and learning that I couldn't find anywhere else. I need to be vulnerable to grow as a person. I have no reason to believe in myself besides that I want to believe in myself.
/rant to my head
I LOVE HEARING THIS! After the last post I really hoped you found a way 'out' and I'm happy to hear you don't have to cash out all your hard-earned rewards from Steemit <3 Good luck on building and being YOU, you're awesome :D
Heyeyeyey thank you @soyrosa,
Prayers work apparently c: I'm also very happy about this, and want to dedicate more time and effort to Steemit now. I've been feeling down lately and hopefully things will turn out even more wonderful coming up! :3
What a beautiful, vulnerable post. This is just gorgeous, and I'm so proud of you for doing this. I know it's hard. Excellent healing work, love. Sending you big heart hugs.
Everything is hard when you worry about it! x'DDD Thank you, trying to keep my sanity <3 Will keep going!
I know that's so true. Our thoughts can really hamper us, and they can also really encourage us. I know you're going to move through this beautifully!!!
Gonna enjoy and live life (with a little less thinking for a while) :D Thank you for your blessings mama, I really appreciate it 💗
That sounds perfect!
@shello Proud of you - I don't formally know you, but proud of you nonetheless. Got my support! :-)
Thank you @melbookermusic! It makes me happy to hear that—and who knows? Maybe one day we'll meet! :D
My heart just goes out to you after reading this. Way to go for writing and posting this. Even though you were scared you have taken the first step. That is the hardest step to take. Never short change yourself, express yourself how you feel you want to and you will gain an incredible amount. I'm sending you as many virtual hugs and whoop whoops as I can xxx.
Thankies @jusipassetti,
This took a lot of courage to post without worrying of how I would be thought of afterward. Baby steps are definitely my forte! And I agree, I'm starting to give myself the love that I want, luckily this is more exciting than scary so far.
Let's pray for that success, for anyone that stumbles this too ^_^ I feel the hugs and loving warmth that accompanies them. Stay blessed!
Whoop whoop!
@shello
Yay! Reverse power down!
YAY! <3
Except where my dumbass forgot to also power up this post! Gonna do every other one and see what happens :D
Power up your crypto and the believe that you are awesome! You are awesome and working on improving is a life long journey. Progress not perfection
This is the thing I need to remember—thankuu Kubbs!~ Powering up my crypto is the plan, while I explore and enjoy this life c:
This was raw indeed, I'm glad you put this out there. You surely are one of those who will be of great deed in the future for supporting people in Steemit so the power will be in good hands.
Thanks for taking time to check out the uncensored rant c: If I can't be myself on my own blog, then all hope would be lost after all! I have no more doubt in this as well—just gotta take it one day at a time.
No problem, I like it real and raw, the way I like to do it myself too.
Ayeee, the very reason I also like your posts c;
😉
💕
@shello... You just have to be your real self. Don't be sorry for telling people how you feel, people who are meant to stay will surely stay because they are destined to be with us while people who left us or will leave us aren't destined to be with us.
People today now feel uncomfortable with their lives because they wana play safe with people by pleasing them. The fact is you can't please everyone to like you. Once you don't like something, take courage to correct people about it.
I hope you can stick to your plans because it is what I would have prescribed for you if you had asked me for advice. Just be happy with your self by doing what pleases you and not what pleases others. Stay focus, happy and fearless towards people.
This is gonna be my new mantra.
Thank you very much @hardaeborla, I really needed to hear this advice and I appreciate it! Destiny will write itself in time and I shouldn't trouble myself about it much.
I'm gonna do my very best to stick to the me I want to be c: If other people don't like it, I won't change.
The love is real,
@shello
That's the motivation @shello
😊
I'm glad you're back! I agree that you need to be your most authentic self and never apologize for charting a course for your own personal growth.
If Steem is your wings then let all of us here be the wind beneath them! You are incredibly brave and courageous-- not mention I see the same strength in you that I too possess... it's a fire that always seems to burn regardless of how depressed, fearful, or how brutal life is to you.
I've have failed at so many things but I refuse to just be-- it's what brought me to love Steem. Keep on killing it out there, remember Steem wouldn't feel right without you!
I'm blinded by your beauty @puddinpaws,
I recently learned that there I can care constructively or destructively, so I plan to build myself up to help others in the future.
ALSO, I fucking love Bette Milder, I'm listening to the song right now. You, and so many others lift me up. If that's not magic, then I don't know what is. One brave thing at a time right?
Are you able to read minds? I know exactly what internal flame you're talking about :D To refuse the reality that doesn't serve you is true courage indeed.
I'm not going anywhere... Rather, the only way is up!
Hugs and kisses fam,
@shello
aww thank you for sharing. I'm sure it took a lot of courage to share how you feel. We all have our challenges. I'm glad to hear the stress of moving no longer exists! Keep on Steeming, and thanks for being so raw.
Right??? Life is such a journey. Thank you, I'm so glad I wrote this. I actually hold myself to the ideals I have and in the times I realize it, I'm proud of myself!
That's the plan.
Stay blessed and for the love of all things holy, never change Karen. You're a blessing 💖
awww! We will have to come visit you in Hawaii one day!
In due time :D This is something that's definitely on the table!~