On Feeling Like An Outsider [Entry for writing contest by @averageoutsider]

I think it’s an important distinction to make that “feeling like an outsider” is in fact that, a feeling. And sometimes that has genuine truth behind it, let’s say for example, being in another country and not knowing the language, and other times it can be a label you accept and let define you.

As a kid, I moved to America. That time was purely magical for me, making friends easily and enjoying being at school. However, when my family returned to the UK in time for me to start high school, my life completely changed. I found myself thrust into a position of not only having to adapt to a culture that was utterly foreign to me, but also having to reintegrate with old friends whose lives had moved on and changed dramatically.

I was totally unprepared. Expecting them to welcome me with open arms was as much delusional as it was naive. At that age, children’s identities are forming and friendship groups play such an incredibly strong role in their day to day lives.

And as much as they weren’t like I thought they’d be, I too was completely different. Most notably, I had a strong American accent, an overly positive attitude and Mickey Mouse glasses! Certainly not your typical, “cool” British 11 year old. Making matters worse, I was trying to fit into a super competitive all girl’s school, where I had been given a place despite not having taken the appropriate exams or having knowledge of the required curriculum.

From day one, I felt like an outsider.

So, what did I do? Instead of embracing my uniqueness, I ended up trying to be like everyone else. I literally begged my Mum for contact lenses, and forced myself to speak with an English accent. Ultimately, I pushed away any defining and interesting quality about myself, just in order to be accepted.

As you can imagine, this was a disaster train to inauthenticity and zero self-worth. But, I was young, and being accepted by my peers was all I cared about.

As I got older however, things didn’t improve. At University, instead of flourishing in a new environment like I should have, I practically latched on to boyfriend after boyfriend, desperately moulding myself into the person I thought they wanted me to be. I took on their interests and beliefs, in fear of having my own opinions and ending up alone.

This behaviour continued for many years as I continuously tried to please people. Seeing others around me ostracised for being different only reinforced my behaviour. However, the effort to be someone I wasn’t was draining me physically and emotionally, and as time went on, I’d find myself craving more and more time in solitude to decompress and “be myself”.

How tragic is it that I preferred and felt more comfortable being alone at a time in my life when there was so much to experience and learn? That I didn’t think those around me would accept my tastes in music, movies or hobbies?

The fact that I never felt able to truly let people into my world, still saddens me to this day, but at the time, it was just easier that way. Creating a barrier between the “real” me and everyone else acted as a twisted form of self-protection. Deep down, I think I was just too afraid to let people down; that if they got to know me, they wouldn’t like me.

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In 2015 I moved to France.

At the time I was a makeup artist, yet the fashion industry in Paris was unlike anything I'd ever come across, with a certain “image” that was hard to keep up with, despite my best efforts. Also, the people I was hanging around were highly competitive and did nothing but constantly complain about and judge each other.

The environment was toxic to say the least.

After a year of trying to keep up with the Joneses, I decided enough was enough. Feeling utterly depressed and worthless, I quit my job and took the opportunity as a catalyst for serious change. It was clear that I just couldn't keep going on the way I was, constantly changing and adapting myself to fit in. Ultimately, I turned to therapy, and began the process of unravelling my insecurities and negative thinking. That helped get my head above water, but the real game changer was when I started a daily practice of meditation, self-compassion and journal writing.

Now I see myself in a completely new light and truly accept myself for who I am. I also understand that genuine people in your life will always love, cherish and embrace you for who you are. Bonus points if you're brave enough to be open and vulnerable!

Of course, there will always be people who don’t like you, but that’s par for the course. To quote Dr Seuss:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Circling back to the beginning of this essay, sometimes there may be a genuine reason why you feel like an outsider, but whatever the reason, the fact that it’s a feeling means you have the power to do something about it.

Whatever you give power to has power over you, so how will you choose to respond?

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Thank you for reading!

This is my entry for the Pick A Topic Writing Contest under the topic ‘Sometimes I Feel Like an Outsider’ hosted by @averageoutsider.

And a big thanks to @ayushjalan for suggesting I enter!

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If you liked this, you might also be interested in my other articles:

7 Things I've Learnt As A Non-Muslim Fasting During Ramadan

This Image Obsessed World Is Ridiculous

Overcoming the Fear to Post about my Depression Online

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