Open Relationships & Polyamory // How I Realized I was Polyamorous pt. 1
My partner and I have been in an open relationship for 5 years now. She's the love of my life - and - we've each seen different people romantically in that time. This polyamorous relationship has been an incredibly generous source of personal growth and liberation for both of us, one of life's greatest gifts.
It hasn't always been easy, or simple, and I've made my fair share of painful mistakes in learning how to navigate open relationships skillfully. I've learned so much from open relationships I want to share about my experience. For others who may be curious, and as a way of reflecting and deepening the learnings for myself.
I didn't hear of polyamory as a lifestyle, practice, and social movement until I was 22. It took me another few years of unguided personal experimentation and meeting people to have significant contact with polyamorous community and see real life examples of healthy, functional, liberating open relationships. Until then, I didn't really have any idea what was possible.
I did have clues that I was not monogamous, though, along the way. One of those was with my first real love - and heartbreak. We met in college, and spent more than a year together. Our relationship changed my life, and we are still close friends. She married her husband last summer, he's wonderful. Brooke and I were at their wedding, and she even hired Brooke as her wedding photographer. This photo, though, I took:
When we broke up way back when, a good friend of mine tried to convince me that she had cheated on me toward the end of our relationship. I got the feeling that he wanted me to be angry about it, but I didn't understand why I should care. Even if it was true, shouldn't I, as her lover, want for her to pursue her desires and for her to be happy? Easy to say after the fact, and once I had moved on, perhaps. Besides, my friend's accusation was speculative, his motivations in sharing it dubious at best, and I had no interest in unnecessary drama.
What I realized was that, deep down, I did not consider sexual fidelity to be the same thing as personal loyalty. Our relationship, and our romance, was so much more than sexuality. Besides, I had had sexual experiences with other people before that lacked romance and intimacy. And was it not possible to be attracted to - or even fall in love - with multiple people at the same time?
Why should I deny a beloved the realization of these desires? For fear of change? For fear that I might be replaced? If indeed that turned out to be what she wanted, wouldn't it ultimately better for me, too, to know and to adjust or change, rather than to move on compelled mostly by the unspoken contractual nature of our monogamous agreement? The questions, their scope and implications just kept expanding.
This was just a glimpse into a way of living that I would begin to explore years later. [In How I realized I was polyamorous pt. 2] I tell the story of my first real attempt at polyamory, and the life-changing experience I was graced with.
I hope this has been an enjoyable read. Questions, reactions, feelings - all welcome if you'd like to share. Ideas for future topics related to polyamory and open relationships? Ask away, I'm open to them! I'm all ready planning to talk about the topics I get asked about most often - communication, trust, jealousy, agreements, politics - but I would be happy to run with what's real for readers. You are, after all, why I am writing.
Peace and love,
Jared
I admire you for opening up this conversation. Stirs me up! So much to say, and most importantly: I relate. I'm 6 years invested into my marriage, and my partner is my best friend in life, and we have three little kids, and... I'm terrified of losing them, and so there's a real fear when it comes to the prospect of separating, or opening our relationship, or even speaking about any desires for relationships. The thought of vocalizing my desire for another woman makes my heart race. I'm grateful to you for sharing, as your story is filled with hope, love, and lightness. Thanks, man.
You're so welcome. Thank you for being so open about your situation and how reading this makes you feel. Means a lot to me. I have heard similar feelings expressed by other monogamous married people, I'm sure you know you're not alone in that.
Brooke and I have been talking about what it might look like if and when we do have kids to keep our relationship open, and it's pretty much assumed at this point that we would. Village-style family models appeal a lot to me, and I wish I had more contact with healthy living examples. As someone who has not become a parent yet, I know I have absolutely no clue what that will actually be like. Important topic, one I'll definitely write about in this series, as another source of inspiration was the book Sex at Dawn, where I read about cultures where monogamy and atomic family structures were not the norm.
Some friends are making a documentary about Tamera, a community in Portugal that has been around for 22 years and supports open relationships in the context of a broader loving community. Lots to read on their website too, if you like: https://www.tamera.org/index.html
@cabelindsay I posted two more pieces, this time about alternative family structures, both radically different from the man-woman-children nuclear unit. Here's one. And another.
Thanks for bringing these additional articles to my attention. Your material here is really opening my eyes (and heart) to new possibilities. Thank you again.
That makes me so happy to hear. You are very welcome.
While your situation is much different than mine, if you have questions that come up I would be happy to share what I can from my own experiences.
Hey Jared! Thanks for writing this, and for your vulnerability and openness on the subject. I personally have identified as poly in the past and am now in a monogamous relationship where our rule is basically we are open to new folks together, but not having independent relationships. So that would be a theme I'd be interested in hearing about if you've got any thoughts on it! Sharing partners vs. separate relationships, how to maintain boundaries and different issues that come up. Looking forward to reading your work on here now that I'm just starting to post! Thanks bud and hope to see you soon! :)
Luz! Hey! :)
Well, maybe you can share about your own process and experience of going from polyamorous to monogamous with openness to sharing partners. I would be very curious to hear more, and I'm sure others would too. I don't have any personal experience with sharing partners, or even witnessing up close this kind of poly-shape, so you probably have thought about it more, and maybe seen more than I have.
Thinking about it does recall a story from that documentary about Tamera that I found inspiring... A man-woman pair, deeply in love, wanted to have kids. Then, she also fell in love with another man. They opened their relationship to him, which deepened, and this man also wanted to have children. So they did. They all have a son together - and the son has two fathers and a mother. In the video, the son appeared to be about 5, and they seemed a very happy family. It doesn't seem that the fathers are romantic with each other, but they obviously love each other deeply as family and they share the mother as romantic partner and mother.
This post has received a 4.85 % upvote from @booster thanks to: @jaredwood.
Am really enjoying your work; thanks for writing and sharing
You are so welcome. Glad you're digging it!
Thanks so much for sharing this. I am looking into the talk with my girlfriend. that is the scariest part, the initial talk. Its a huge risk. If it takes then cool, but if not they the toothpaste is already out of the tube. What do you do? I am sensing that I am more poly anyway, and i feel she is too. So we will talk and really look at this as a way of securing our relationship deeper.