Let go of Judgement: We heal in community

Our "legal system" is damaging, because at it's heart, it is a tool for punishment, not healing.

As the Super Blue Blood Moon Eclipse neared, those few moments between light and dark, I was discussing with a community member to the north the importance of recognizing the difference between discernment and condemnation (both of which we often call judgement…mistakenly). We discussed the importance of employing discernment in our lives and communities, to recognize what benefits ourselves and our communities and what harms. This recognition is important as we apply it to ourselves and others. What we must resist is the need to condemn others. When we see harm, damage, pain, we have been taught that to correct it, a punishment is needed. I am suggesting that this is quite incorrect. I anticipate most will have difficulty with my suggestion right off the bat. It may be opposed to what you have been taught (and I can almost guarantee it is opposed to what you have experienced). To best share why I feel this way, I need to take a few steps back.

When I became a new parent I took the coming arrival of my child very seriously. I read as many books as I could on child rearing. One in particular that stood out to me was called The Science of Parenting. It was all about neural development and what that means for behavioural development. Not your typical What to Expect When You Are Expecting stuff that I wasn’t so fond of. What I learned was the culmination of decades of information on brain development. And, I am thankful for what I gleaned. One very important point was…

When the human brain is experiencing certain states (fear, anger, frustration, elatement) it is very difficult to engage the rational thinking portion of the brain. When a child is in full fledged terror, it isn’t possible to have them experience reasoning. When a child is angry, they cannot fully hear what I say. To have the greatest influence in guiding my children, I first need to help them return to a state of equilibrium. They need peace before I can reason with them, set boundaries, and have them hear me.

As a parent this can be very frustrating. I normally want to address the challenging behaviour right away. And to some degree I must. I must discern it. And it must stop. However, to have my child internalize the change that needs to occur, I must first care enough for them to help them through their challenging experiences. Then, when we are all calm, we can address the challenging behaviour.

The second piece of true importance is that if I shame, belittle, scold too harshly, or instill fear in my child once they are calm, they will return to a distressed state. However, they do need to fully understand the weight of their actions, why it isn’t okay, and how to correct the issue.

So as a parent I am walking a very fine line between holding up the behaviour so it can be fully seen and so that it can be seen that it is harmful, and on the other side, keeping my child in a non-distressed state so that they can remain engaged in that learning process. This is a tall order. But it is possible. And it leads to children who are able to also discern and self-regulate.

How is that line navigated as a parent? First, by having the ability to calm myself down before addressing the issue. I need to avoid the temptation to condemn, and the harm in return.

You see, often when something pains us, we lash out and want to inflict harm also. It is a basal human instinct. However, it often doesn’t serve us. I must understand and acknowledge that I have this response as a first step. Once I have, I can perform a triage. My first order of business is to end any potential harm. If someone is being harmed that harm must stop. If someone is harming themselves, that too must stop. Next, they need to be cared for. BOTH sides. They need to have support to return to a state of equilibrium. BOTH sides. Then, they need a chance to communicate. When conflict occurs, there is often much to say. And BOTH sides need to be heard. Although hearing does not need to mean agreeing, there will be pent up energy and misunderstanding until this step is accomplished. The next step, as I see it, involves fully exposing the harm that has been done (but not through shame, vilanizing, or condemning). After both sides are heard, understanding the impact of the behaviour is important.

So often we are able to act, without every fully seeing the impacts of our actions. We can buy water in a bottle and drink it, without ever seeing the conditions of the place where that water came from, how people were treated, and how the environment in that place is being cared for. We have outsourced the results of our lives to other far off places, and we rarely have to look at what this means for other people, communities and the planet.

And so it is in our direct lives. We often rush past seeing the harm done and move straight to punishing the behaviour. I am suggesting, not that we ignore the issue by holding off on punishment, but that we hold off judgement/punishment in order to help the other fully see and understand the harm that has been done.

I am going to pull another example in here. A short while ago, two young boys toppled many bee hives. Their actions killed millions of bees. This is a horrible action. It was wrong and it did harm. Many keyboard warriors are now calling for blood. They want to see these children in jail for 10 years, some want worse. This is a natural human response. We want retaliation. We want judgement. However, this is only an immediate reaction. We can accept that we have this reaction, and understand that it is because we feel something wrong has occurred. We can allow ourselves to experience the pain of the loss of life. Many little lives. And, if we truly value those lives, we will want to ensure that more are not lost.

However, locking up children will not teach those children to act better (I firmly believe it will do the opposite). To learn from this, they need to see the damage that has been done. They need to be given opportunities to hear why those bees were valued and important and why their loss causes pain for others.

However, the responsibility then falls to the community to help those children through their internal challenges that caused these behaviours in the first place. Why? So that the community can be healthier in the future. Healthy communities require healthy people. So the next step is to help return these children to a state of health. If there are conditions in their lives that have led to acting out in unhealthy ways, those conditions need to improve and they need new tools to enable them to do better in the future.

Finally, once they have the tools to do better, they need the opportunity to do so. To make right.

As I type this, and as you read this, I hope you can see that it is not only children for whom this process is needed. It is for all of us. We all stray. We all err. We all need to see the damage we have done and to gain the support and skills necessary to do better. We are all, at times, on both sides of this equation. Sometimes we are the one being harmed, and sometimes we are doing the harming. And, regardless of which side we are on in any given moment, we all need support to do better and to experience better.

A few short weeks ago I found myself in conversation with the Crown Prosecutor about these very topics. I had been harmed. The individual who had done something to me was going to be put on trial. The state was seeking judgement. It is the process by which the state controls what others do. The reason for attempting this control is valid…the harm needs to stop. However, in this discussion I outlined these exact points. People who are in pain act out. And, although the harm must stop, punishment will not make them choose differently in the future. Seeing the damage done, finding a state of equilibrium and learning new ways will. And all of those things would require support. Support from many. I expressed to the Crown Prosecutor that I felt that the person who had done harm had been willing to, even if only in part, see and acknowledge the harm that had been done, and was now seeking support to change those ways. The support and learning of new tools was being done voluntarily. I expressed that this was indeed the best case scenario. And, I expressed that although I had been harmed, I too had received support and healing from within my community. The community held the keys to restorative justice. The community was able to support healing on both sides. Although that healing is not complete, such great strides have been made.

Whenever someone harms, there is, in that same person, someone who has been harmed. And, although we cannot excuse or sweep harm under the rug, we can put a stop to it then work to change the conditions that led to that harm in the first place. I pray we can stop punishing the wounded and instead help them heal, so they can be a strength within our communities. So their lessons can benefit us all. And, so we can be whole, as people and as a community.

What I have described to you, the process of community healing in tandem with personal healing and accountability, is a common thread in the healing circles of generations passed. These traditions are valuable and can teach us much about restoring wholeness. I invite you to dig around and explore these traditions within your culture.

From my home fire to yours, hai hai.