Thank you for this.

I relate to so much of what you are saying.

I often have to remind my husband (and myself) to calm down and let our eldest calm down before we can discuss what's happening through a disagreement. It can be so hard, sometimes I feel like I am parenting my husband! But like you, I read long ago about a child's brain not even hearing when they're in a state of extreme upset and haven't forgotten. Its pretty evident in the moment anyway.
The boys and the bees... How could people be crying for blood?! Help. They need HELP. Redirection, to be taught accountability, not severe punishment...

work to change the conditions that led to that harm in the first place

Exactly. So much of the world needs this. Thank you.
Much love,
@amymya