The Original Sin (Dark, Dirty and Explicit - Angels, Beware!)

(Climbs the stage with a bottle of water and walks to the mic stand. Drops the bottle on the stool and turns to the mic.)

Hello, er… is this mic working? Oh, yes, it is.

(Looks around. Breathes)

So @anjkara had an epiphany from God himself and was inspired to write it down for all faithfuls . While reading through the inspired words, the spirit ministered some hidden truths which I will like to share with y’all today.

(Pauses)

How many of you here have heard of the original sin? One, two, twenty? Well, it doesn’t matter if you have or haven’t. There’s a new revelation and I am here to preach it. So in case you came here to laugh, I’m sorry. I’m here to preach.

(Adjusts glasses, takes a sip of water and returns to mic)

So Adam and some angel friends were patrolling the garden when they heard some grunts and moans from afar. Adam, feeling responsible for the garden, wanted to check it out at once. The angels thought otherwise. They knew what was going on and didn’t want to corrupt Adam. Too late! Adam ran ahead of them in to the dense part of the garden and saw two monkeys, Ken and Patricia doing it.

Adam was surprised to see both monkeys in such crooked positions. There were…er… what do they call that position? (Thinks) Oh, yes, banana split. Except that this time, they actually used bananas. Ken was eating bananas off Patricia while… er… giving her some of his banana. Adam was shocked

Adam watched as Ken grunted with his mouth full while doing what he knows best. He had known Patricia to be one of God’s favourite pets. (Get that vile thought out of your head!) He couldn’t stand and watch Ken harm Patricia. So he jumped in and pushed Ken away. It was then he saw it. Ken’s banana was longer and firm and… Adam turned his eyes to look at Patrica instead. Wrong move. He swallowed as he espied the curvaceousness above and the pool of eternal bliss below. He didn’t understand why but his banana began to swell and itch. Embarrassed, he covered it with his hands and began to run home. Surely Eve would have an answer.

Meanwhile, Eve was by the pool bathing when the Serpent came around. The serpent complimented Eve on her beautiful body and said Adam must be a lucky man to have divinely ordained access to her body. Eve didn’t understand. Having reached the climax of Mount Orgasm itself, the serpent knew what both Adam and Eve were missing. The serpent felt sorry for her and decided to help her. In those days, marijuana grew on trees and had fruits. After the flood, everything changed. But that’s another story. Any way, the serpent was up to something.

So the serpent suggested Eve helped herself to some of the marijuana. She would be enlightened, the serpent promised. Eve wasn’t sure though. God had told them not to even touch the tree, but why? She looked around to make sure no one was watching and then approached the tree. She looked at the tree and felt like tasting one of its fruits. So she plucked one and bit into it. In that moment, everything changed. From black and white, everything had colour. She walked to the pool and stared at her reflection. She noticed steam coming off her body. Yeah, her body was smoking hot.

Just then, Adam arrived with his itching banana and asked that the serpent excused them. He knew he had to do something about his itching banana. Eve on the other hand noticed how fat and juicy Adam’s banana was. So she took Adam to a corner and gave him some of the fruit. Now, Adam was a smart guy; he knew he shouldn’t eat of the fruit. However, at that time, he was thinking with what was between his legs rather than the one between his ears. So he took of the fruit and… hallelujah! The first things he noticed were the ripe watermelons calling out to him. He swallowed.

Suddenly God appeared in the garden and was calling out for Adam and Eve. Now, that’s not fair. These folks were in the mood and were eager to get down to business. In fact, Eve was already getting warmed up to deliver a job while Adam had thought of a good way to use his head; only for God to appear in the garden. Who does that? Well, Adam and Eve weren't ready to come out with erect watermelons and banana. So they covered their… er… tell tales and appeared before God. You can imagine how unhappy they were

God knew these guys had found the source of enlightenment. After asking a few questions, he knew they would be making trips to the climax of Mount Orgasm soon. As a smart God, he did the calculation and knew the garden won’t be able to sustain the results. There were too many mouths to feed already in the garden. Besides, imagine Adam and Eve with nothing to do. Mhen, they’re going to release albums after albums of sensual soundtracks recorded and produced at the climax of Mount Orgasm. So God sent them out.

Well, it didn’t matter to Adam, you know. He packed some fruits (especially the marijuana), took Eve’s hand and together they strolled out of the garden. God, in his anger, and to warn other monkeys, had killed Ken for messing with his favourite pet. He then used Ken’s skin to make clothes for Adam and Eve as parting gifts. As they left the garden, Adam was busy thinking of the different things he'll try with Eve

Well, there you have it folks. I’m sure the original sin and expected lesson is in the story somewhere. I’m not sure though. I might need another shot of marijuana to find out.

(Takes a sip of water and adjusts glasses)

I have to get going now. There’s a girl that’s waiting for me to give her the head and not the tail.

See ya’ll

This is my entry for the Comedy Open Mic - Round 6 by @comedyopenmic. @holybranches and @sayee encouraged me to give it a try. I hope I didn't try too hard

To be honest, I didn’t know what to write. I played with a lot of thoughts though: “If voting bots were whores” and “What really caused the fight between Pastor Kenneth Heajin and Pastor Bennie Hinn”

I nominate @eddy-18 and @penderis. (Kindly read the rules here)

Thanks for reading

Blessings

[image source 1: I edited a free to use picture from Wikimedia Commons]

[image source 2: Flickr]

[image source 3: Public Domain Pictures]

[image source 4: Flickr]

[image source 51: Wikimedia Commons]