Howdy friends!

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I'm back this week with a little audio skit I've written and performed just for you! It's about an old west outlaw named IndestructiBilly the Kid... It seems he was immune to bullets...

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My amazing wife, @carrieallen, did the audio mixing for me... She's magic. The voices? All me! Hope you like it!

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INDESTRUCTIBILLY THE KID
By Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - An old cowboy, storyteller
BILLY - Kid turned bullet-proof villain
JOHNNY - His kid brother. Died young.
SIDEKICK - Billy’s sidekick, name not important
RUTHLESS JOE - Billy’s most adequate sidekick
OLD GUS - Old drunk man in a bar in Abilene

NARRATOR
In the times of railroads and robbers, saloons and snake-eyes, guns and gold diggers, boy you had to watch your back. There was always some belly-crawling, snake-sucking son-of-a Siberian wolverine waiting on yer britches to make a wrong move, then POW! Your gold was their gold, and you was as lost and forgotten as that dust out on the prairie. Yessir, the old west was some dangerous and rotten times, where you had to spend some lead to get ahead, and I don’t mean that lead was currency, cause it weren’t like that. No, you see, lead was what they used to make bullets, and bullets were what they used to kill people, and if you was livin in one of those railroad towns, boy you probably did your fair share of killin. But with all that killin and dyin and stealin, there was one unsung hero who roamed the West doing one thing: Surviving. That’s not to say that he didn’t get into fights. He even got shot. I’d say “more than most” but that’s sellin him short. This feller got shot all the time, never seems to bother him. I’m gonna tell you about Indestructibilly The Kid.

BILLY
Be careful with that thing, Johnny! You know we just little kids. Guns our dangerous, my grand-pappy told me and he fought in the Civil War!

JOHNNY
Lighten up, Billy! Here, I’ll be the cowboy, you be the Injun!

SOUND FX - GUNSHOT

BILLY
Shoot, Johnny! You shot me! See what I mean? I’m probably gonna die now!

JOHNNY
Then why you still standin there shouting? Shouldn’t you be fallin over bleeding or something?

BILLY
I’d of thought so… I mean, it hurt, but I seem to be okay.

JOHNNY
That’s amazing! Let me try!

BILLY
Johnny, NOOOO!!!!

SOUND FX - GUNSHOT

NARRATOR
Yep, that was the day that Billy found out about his immunity to bullets, but in the most tragic way possible. His kid brother Johnny had shot himself in the head, thinking he could survive like Billy. Billy never forgave himself for being indestructible, he renamed himself Indestructibilly the Kid, and began his lifelong crime spree across the West.

BILLY
You better shoot me a few more times just to make sure!

SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS

I done told ya! I’m Indestructibilly the Kid. Don’t know why or how, but I’m immune to bullets!

NARRATOR
Nothing was off limits for Indestructibilly the Kid. Drinking, smoking, cheating at cards, assault, barn-burning, murder, rape, high treason… didn’t matter. Ole Billy had a hand in all of it. He was one cold-hearted son of a bitch. And he loved killing.

SIDEKICK
We got all the money boss. You and me’s got plenty of hands to hold it all. We can probably just let these people go.

BILLY
No, we’re killing all of them!

SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS

SIDEKICK
Watch out, Billy! The guard!

SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS

Oh no! He got you a few times!

BILLY
Dammit, we’ve been through this. Immune to bullets!

SIDEKICK
Hey, Billy? Not to crittercize, but shouldn’t you oughtta leave one alive every now and again, just so they can tell the story. Yu know, so word gets around?

BILLY
That’s a fantastic idea, Sidekick. Alright, random bank guard, you’re the lucky one who’s gonna live to tell the tale of my terrible criminism.

SIDEKICK
I don’t think criminism is a word, sir--

SOUND FX - GUNSHOTS

BILLY
Damn. Gonna have to get myself a new sidekick.

NARRATOR
And that’s about how it went for Indestructibilly the Kid and his sidekicks. He hardly ever took the time to remember their names. He’d jst call ‘em “Sidekick” until he shot ‘em dead. He did finally find a son of a bitch ruthless enough to stick with him for years. Matter of fact, his name was ruthless Joe.

JOE
Damn, Indestructibilly the Kid, you sure are a bad criminal. What do you say we combine this outfit. I’ll even let you be the frontman.

BILLY
Well, if the way you just knocked over that caravan is any indication of your savage brutality, how can I resist? But you should know before we get into this thing, I’m pretty much indestructible.

JOE
Yeah, that’s your nickname, I get it.

BILLY
No, I don’t think you do. I’m actually immune to bullets. Least that’s what the doctor called it when I’s a kid.

JOE
I see. Can you tell me how to be immune to bullets?

BILLY
Fraid not, friend. I’m the only one. So you gonna be my sidekick or not?

NARRATOR
So Indestructibilly the Kid and Ruthless Joe rode the countryside, striking fear into the hearts of the pioneers. Dodge City, Denver, Kansas City, Tombstone, Cody, yep, they got around, leaving a trail of blood and bodies longer than my… Well, long. Ole Indestructibilly finally met his match in a old man he met in an Abilene saloon. Retired Sheriff as a matter of fact, now just a drunkard at the local bar, went by the name of old Gus.

OLD GUS
Lemme get this straight… You can’t get shot?

BILLY
I can get shot… I just don’t die from it.

OLD GUS
But does it hurt?
BILLY
Hurts like hell old man! But I always come out fine.

OLD GUS
What about knives? You immune to knives?

BILLY
Dunno. Never tried to stab myself.

OLD GUS
What are you? Chicken? Here’s a knife.

BILLY
I ain’t no chicken, I’ll show you old man!

SOUND FX - CUT AND DIE

NARRATOR
It turns out Indestructibilly the Kid weren’t immune to knives after all. I guess he shoulda looked into that one. So now you know. Ruthless Joe kept doing crime for a few years, but then he got shot in Reno, just cause a man in black wanted to watch him die. You probably ain’t never heard of Indestructibilly the Kid before, and you may never again, but remember, just cause you can take a bullet, that don’t mean you should go lookin for trouble.

SOUND FX - WHIP CRACK AND MUSIC

THE END

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This is an entry in the #comedyopenmic contest! Check out the contest post HERE... I nominate @basilmarples and @ecoinstant to do something funny... And, GO!