Comedy Open Mic #26: Top 10 Blockchain Projects of the Last 100 Years

Some wise guy once said (okay, it was the not-so-funny poet T.S. Eliot), "good writers borrow, great writers steal."

That wasn't some perverse reference to plagiarism. It was a head nod to the common practice of taking other writers' ideas and doing them better. Well, I have a confession. The following list of top 10 blockchain projects from the last century was inspired by actually reading about a proposed decentralized ledger project on an up-and-coming blockchain. Someone proposed a "P2P restaurant" on the blockchain, and I cackled. Guffawed. Bellowed. Spit up my soup. And snorted and shrieked and howled until I found myself coming up with my own great blockchain projects.

So here they are folks. The absolute best 10 blockchain projects created since Nikola Tesla's.

Image from Pixabay.

Hey, if any of these are real, I know nothing about it. I'm just having fun. But if your idea is on this list and it goes viral, send half your earnings to my crypto address - 0xdiedlaughingXYZfacelessemoji.

You've likely heard of a Decentralized Autonomous Community (DAC) or a Decentralized Autonomous Organization (DAO). Well, here are 10 awesome Decentralized Autonomous Communities, Organizations, and Companies. Otherwise known as DACOCs (yep, just like it sounds).

1. Decentralized Burglary Marketplace (DBM) - Why lock your home every time you leave it? Simplify burglary by dropping your keys off at a decentralized depository. Once in the hands of no one in particular, your keys can be picked up by responsible thieves who'll head straight to your house when they know you won't be home. You'll never buy new locks again, and quit paying those expensive home security fees! Everything you need to be robbed with dignity is right here in one decentralized location. There's even an immutable ledger for thieves to record exactly what they stole from your home, which will make it easy to report to authorities later. Sign up for DBM right now and feed a hungry thief.
2. P2P foot washing service - Just register your name and the size of your feet. Anyone in this worldwide community can volunteer to wash your feet. No charges, no fees, no interest. All you have to do is purchase 1,000 TOE tokens. When they appreciate, you'll appreciate it.
3. Pass It On - You've heard of Pay It Forward, where citizens perform advance acts of kindness in hopes that someone will be nice to them later. Well, Pass It On is when someone does something nice for you and you do something nice for someone else as a gesture of bland responsibility. For every act of kindness you perform on the blockchain, you'll earn 15 PIO tokens. When you get to 15,000 PIOs, you'll earn 5% interest on every PIO you keep in the PIO bank. Keep doing good things for total strangers and you'll keep getting paid these completely worthless PIOs. You'll feel like a million PIOs waiting for the next act of kindness to come your way so you'll have a warm fuzzy you can pass on.
   
   Image from Pixabay.
4. Oxygen leasing - For the first time in history, you can lease oxygen you aren't currently using. Not planning on breathing any time soon? Lease that oxygen! With our super-intelligent high-IQ smart contracts, you can lease your oxygen on your own terms for any length of time, from a microsecond all the way to eternity. You set the terms, the lessee signs the contract, and you're both off to oxygen heaven.
5. Distributed farting - Everyone does it, but no one admits it. With distributed farting, the whole community will fall all over themselves to claim the next fart. All you have to do is register and you'll be included in the GASS token airdrop (not to be confused with Ethereum's GAS token). Screw your ether; pass GASS instead! Monthly contests for the best SBDs.
6. Dumb Assets - Smart assets for dumb people. Collect these useless and worthless memes. Pay good crypto for them, but don't ever expect to sell them or get a return on your investment. Ain't gonna happen. Yeah, but you'll impress all your friends with pretty graphics.
   
   Image from Pixabay.
7. Love Potion #9 - Fall in love on the blockchain. No, it's not a dating website. It's a place for you to fall in love, pledge your love, entice your lover, find a lover, kill a lover, and leave a lover--depending on how you feel about the totally random news we spam to your wallet address. Just log on and let your emotions run their course. Our distributed ledger will keep an ongoing record of your love affairs from the moment you were tempted to flirt to the moment it really hurts. If it's related to love, you can find it (and lose it) on the Love Potion #9 blockchain.
8. Keep Up With The Joneses - How many times have you logged onto the Internet and found out one of your buddies from college created his own token? Now, that doesn't have to happen any more. With your paid membership, any time someone you know creates a token, KUWTJ will automatically create one for you that mirrors precisely the one your friend made. Connect it to your Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Instagram accounts. That way, when the friends you've never met create tokens, you can have your own token made instantly from the dust. Pay for your membership with any shitcoin.
9. Distributed Timesharing - To hell with those timesharing sales pitches designed to get you to some beautiful landscape with an incredible lake by offering you a free gift designed only to get you to buy an overpriced one-week vacation home with year-round payments. Distributed timesharing is way better than that. You can now sell your time. Got a second? Sell it, share it, loan it, lease it, or give it away as an incentive in your random contest or loyalty program. It's your time, you can share it if you want to. With distributed timesharing, you are no longer limited to 24/7, you can share your time with anyone (and share theirs too!--as long as they agree to share it with you).
   
   Image from Pixabay.
10. dBrain - How many times have you thought to yourself, I wish I'd thought of that? Well, now you can. With dBrain, you can rent anyone's brain through a distributed brain cell ledger. Remember that guy in college who never failed a test, or that girl in your yoga class with the most colorful toenails you've ever seen? Yep, with dBrain, all you have to do is log on, click their avatar, and you can have access to their brain cells any time you want them. Earn BRAIN tokens by renting out your own brain cells. dBrain is the most comprehensive database of intelligences in the known universe. With this blockchain, there's never a reason to be absent-minded. If you can't be an Einstein, then tap into one! After you've killed all your brain cells, just borrow someone else's--on dBrain. We'll let you know when the white paper is ready for download.

There you have it folks. The best blockchain and distributed projects this side of Ford's Model T. No need to crank it, just yank it. Go crypto calypso. And say you saw here it first.

Image from Pixabay.

My two nominations are @paulelmo and @jaichai.

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