ComedyOpenMic Round 9 - Florida Haunts Me Today (Entry 1)
As a native to Florida I know what it's like to feel a waterspout tugging at your roof like a giant baby playing with a doll house. I always wondered why the hell my parents chose to live there. Did they not do any research? Oh it'll be fun they said. It's paradise.
A dangerous paradise if you ask me, hurricanes are not very friendly to Florida. I've been through quite a few including the famous Hurricane Andrew. A hurricane is mother natures way of giving you the best blowjob you never wanted. By the way, she uses her teeth.
I had an idea
So years ago after watching a funny video where Florida decided to move to the northern midwest section of the Unites States, it occured to me that this was impossible. "What the hell are you doing Florida. You can't move. The United States is not ready for a sex change". Which brings me to another point that has everything to do with sex. Did it occur to anyone that Florida is much shaped like a giant penis? Well that's because it is! I mean, think about it. The United States is very masculine in nature. Mother Nature likes to send blow jobs to Florida all the time in the form of a hurricane.....Florida is a field of flowers. Seems very pubic-hair-ish to me.
Anyways, since Florida wasn't moving any time soon, I had to make the move, so I did. Being in Superior, I am 10 minutes away from Lake Superior so I feel I get the best of both worlds. Full seasons with brutal, blistering cold -50 degree F winters that give you frostbite in as little as 5 minutes on any exposed skin, effectively turning you into a pale hermit by the time it warms up and scorching hot, more humid than hell third-degree-burns all over your skin from touching lava-hot car interior can't walk four feet without taking a sweat bath summers with sandy beaches nothing but a short drive away.
With all that awesomeness said, I figured what the hell, let me live cheap. With no hurricanes in the forecast, I figured what could possible knock down a trailer.
My idea sucks
Well let me tell you how scared I am right now as someone who experienced multiple hurricanes. I literally feel like any moment now my trailer is either going to take flight or start rolling down the street like a fucking tumbleweed. Currently sitting at 41 mph winds with 50 + mph gusts and 19 foot waves on the shore, not only do I want to go see the waves, but authorities are telling us to stay the hell away if we want to live. Will I even survive in my own house?
A category 1 hurricane starts at 74 mph. I am literally 25 mph shy of experiencing a hurricane and the gusts are probably 60 + at this point. With that said, the windstorm outside is comparable to a High Scale Tropical Storm only it doesn't feel very Tropical outside.
When I said the best of both worlds I wasn't kidding. When is Winter gonna end? Tomorrow? Next month? July? I'm starting to realize that summers feel like they're two weeks long here. While it may not be a category 5, sometimes I'm certain the walls will cave in any minute. The wind is relentless. Just the other day I saw a bird literally flying nowhere. What the fuck was he doing? Was it a game to him? When will the wind stop so I can go fishing again? Where's Agony Aunt when I need her?
Stop being serious and show me your funny bone. This is an entry to the #comedyopenmic contest by @comedyopenmic. Did you know there's over 40k SP in voting power just itching to give your funny bone an upvote? Show us your funny bone! You know you want to. Make a post before my house blows way. Holy shit a branch just snapped and hit my wall. Is this the end? Be funny! Check the Rules Here!
I nominate @creatovert and @driptorchpress to make us laugh and post it to #comedyopenmic! I know you can! Do you fart? Then you can be funny!
Nothing like Mother Nature to remind us how puny we are.
She likes the foreplay
you had me at 'she used her teeth" lol re fucking steemed!
Thanks I'm glad you enjoyed it!!
Hey! Not been to Superior but we drive through Duluth all the time. I think there is a brewery over there we talked about visiting. I can't remember for sure. Yeah. We got slapped by a sonofabitch of a storm.
got slapped? It's still here, and there's more to come. We're supposed to get a huge snowstorm and minneapolis already got dumped on.
Would it be the Canal Park Brewery? There's actually quite a few breweries. Superior is just a 5 minute drive over the bridge from duluth so to me it's all the same city! You're the second steemian I've come across today that visits duluth!
I am in Minneapolis. Gonna bust my ass shoveling tomorrow. I thought there was a brewery in Superior. Maybe not. We have been to Canal Park Brewery. Last summer.
If you manage to move florida, I eat a raw iguana
If you eat a raw iguana, I might puke.
Me too jajaja
I don't like to see male iguana and female iguana they might get merry iguana (marijuana) I know its not funny
Dude I'm from Florida. I lived through hurricane Andrew too. We got lucky and it swung south of us. I remember looking south on I-75 seeing this dark cloud. I remember they cancelled the first day of school when Andrew hit. I was in 3rd grade and 8 years old. I remember it like it was yesterday. Has it been that long ago already???
Yeah I remember like it was yesterday too. No school. I remember sleeping in the livingroom with my parents so we were all huddled together on the main floor and all the windows fully covered. It was surreal experiencing it and I was probably in 2nd, 3rd or 4th grade at the time. The next day all the trees were down and we turned them into ground forts. We were mostly unaffected but it was still scary!
You made me laugh with the image of the principle hahahaha, just lacking to post that after the hurricane, the whole family can not complain that they do not travel, because they will be scattered throughout the United States hahahahaha.
Maybe that's why my parents chose to live there -- free air fare!