At a dinner date

Me: I'm really impressed by you, all of your history and everything about you. You started your life in Kazakhstan and then went on to be all around the planet. I love everything about you, the way you look, the way you smell. I love your 57,000 genes, and the way you taste. I can't wait to eat you tonight ;)

Yeah, I'm talking about an apple. Why is it that we don't love plants the way we do humans or animals? Why is it that if I squash the head of a human or an animal to get all the fluids out I go to prison but it's okay to peal the skin of an orange and put it in a blender till there's nothing solid about it? Why is it wrong to use cats, dogs, and horses in porn movies but not a banana or cucumber? What sin have plants committed to be treated the way we do for them. Think about it, if I was to chop an apple to pieces then eat it raw but if I do that to a panda I am condemned by the WWF

No, not those guys.

Yup.

Why is it that no one sympathizes with plants? Even when people do defend it, it happens only because they want animals to have homes or global warming not to happen? Is the way we treat plants okay? If you were a berry would it be okay for me to stick you along with your brothers and sisters and mash you then boil you just to put you on peanut better? Would you be okay with that? If you were a banana, would you like it if some aspiring porn actress takes you and sticks right in............. I think you get the point. Would you like it if I just get up and eat you? I hear women giggling in the back. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

We hear about human rights, animal rights, but we never hear about plants rights. We hear vegans and vegetarians brag loudly about the fact that they only eat plants. But no one ever stopped to think about plants. Well I'm here to change that. It's time for us to respect our elders. Science shows that plants have been on earth for over 700 million years meanwhile the so called top of the food chain war waging humans have been round for barely 300 thousand years, the Kim Kardashian sextape watching species are kids compared to these plants.

I hear someone saying "What is it to you? They're not living creatures, they don't feel anything", I hear another one saying "Did you actually hear someone say something?". I think it's time for me to take my Abilify, still I'm going to answer the first question. You can't say that about plants, it's rude, not to me but to the great biologist Daniel Chamovitz, by saying such a thing you're disrespecting the great man. What did I say in the previous paragraph just now? RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!. In Chamovitz' book What A Plant Knows he mentions that plants have certain abilities, ones that makes it aware of it's surroundings. Plants is able to tell where the sun is coming from, they can tell the difference between the colors blue and red. So they're not blind, douche-bag. Plants know how to smell

Another example is the Venus flytrap

Venus flytraps' mouth is always prepared to slam shut should a fly have 2 contacts on the surface within 20 seconds, so much like your mom it only takes them 20 seconds to swallow. But unlike your mother if that happens within longer than 20 seconds they wouldn't swallow. Pretty accurate creature according to several experiments, on both the plant and your mom.

Plants have specific schedule and know how to count, some planets are dormant till the length of days are longer than nights. Not only that plants are smart in a surrealistic way, plants have all of those abilities but no brains. And that's the issue, you guys are discriminating brainists, but imagine having all of those abilities and functions without a brains, can you do any of those things without one? Kim Kardashian has over 116 million followers, and those are the ones who are supposed to have brains? Let me how disappointing you are, like yeah humans are good, but still pretty disappointing. Seriously we had such high hopes for you that in 2003 the human genome project studied you and found out, scientists had high hopes for you in anticipation for the results of the human genome projects, they all thought that humans are pretty complicated, they must have at least 100,000 different genes, they all thought you'd have the most amount of genes. Do you know how many you had? barely 30,000 genes. You read it above, an APPLE TREE has more genes than your disappointing ass. Planes, inventions, ships, space travel and all the things you've done, but only 30,000 genes, no wonder your parents are so disappointed in you.

The creatures that you step on so carelessly are hypermarkets of genes, they have the BRCA genes and those genes in some special cases can cause breast cancer, for plants. Some studies found that there are genes that cause deafness. You don't know what's so great about those genes do you, but little things affect bigger ones. Let's take cancer for example; what is it? It's a tumor that spreads through an abnormal growth of those genes and much like your dad at a yoga class with women. Such growth can't be contained, not without tumor suppressor genome. Not sure how that applies to your dad, but have him do check up just in case. In the end you don't really understand what I'm saying, do you? But it's okay, why would you understand after all? I wasn't expecting much from your pathetic 30,000 genes anyway. "How many genes do YOU have?' what? well, I don't remember when I last counted them, but I have way more, that's the reason why I'm able to write such great posts on steemit. Unlike you I just have many more genes, you're barely the BETA version of human. I'm already in the market, almost out of stock actually.

Anyway let's go back to the main subject here. Plants are pretty complicated genetically. A true hypermarket of genes, and still it's being abused by us, even though we share 60% of our genes with bananas, which does explain a lot about men, doesn't it? . But we are talking about creatures that are so underappreciated even though they form 99% of living species on earth. Literally the most successful living creatures on earth are plants. The only similar success percentage men have to that is cause of living creatures death. That and watching porn. Basically if a man isn't playing with his dick, he's probably out there killing something. A neat burn line I present as a gift to all my feminists fans out there.

Okay, I haven't found my abilify pill so I hear someone asking "If plants are so great and make 99% of living creatures, how come they're so weak? How come we're the one that breaks and use it? Why can't tomatoes squash us and make human ketchup?" Well, Mr. voice in my head let me explain. In Michael Pollan's book "The Botany of Desire" he explains this deep conspiracy. You see, plants are what's giving our life smell, taste, and flavor. Plants know that biological success stems from having in spreading and multiplying. Thus, plants gathered around and started the greatest marketing plan to reach the right costumer, YOU. Yeah chimpanzee's eat bananas, rabbits eat carrots, some animal eats leaf, but unlike them humans planted treas to get more, so they put their bet on us and they weren't disappointed. Let's talk apples.

Apples are the 4th most sold fruit worldwide in metric tons behind watermelons, bananas, and tomatoes. But we know that Watermelons are ahead only because of it's fat ass and tomatoes are just a cheating vegetable identifying as fruit. So technically apples are second. But through continuous development apples got around to being so sweet that the taste of it inspired artists to paint and glorify it for us to love it and feel effected by it so much. You don't believe me? Okay, answer me this; what did Eve eat the got her and Adam exiled from heaven? No, not an apple. A forbidden fruit.. But people, artists and story tellers were so inspired by apples that drawings of the mentioned in the bible, Torah, and Quran were of an apple. apples tricked followers of these religions into thinking about it so much that we're still effected by that till today that it even shows in the most damning evidence we have so far.

The intro of the show "Desperate housewives"

And if Desperate Housewives isn't enough evidence, I don't know what is.

Anyway such inspiration resulted in apple tree going from being trees only existing in Kazakhstan, a country I'm pretty sure you just pronounced wrong. To trees planted worldwide, creating an entire industry. And much like apples Cannabis understood what we wanted, they knew we wanted to be happier and forget sometimes about life. Then it went on from being a leaf that no one cares about to something people protesting to make legal in Europe and North America. That is genius marketing. Bananas as well, they even became a good substitution for a workaholic husband. Why aren't we having THESE GUYS at Ted talk. It sure as hell beats those hippies.

But seriously why don't have apples tell their amazing story and how they went from a fruit close to extinction to a worldwide recognized fruit with 7,500 varieties. If you read my post about chivalry you would know that a creature's success depends on multiplying (Le wild self plug appears), and if you read my post The Great History of My Fat Ass (Wow, two plugs within a sentence) you'd know that the main reason civilizations were created because of the invention of farming. Learn from the apples.

Some plants multiplied thanks to taste, some others because of their effects. Some even did so by seduction, let's take Tulips for example

The Scarlet Johanson of plants loves flaunting it's beauty, sounds like a cheap move but Tulips used to be very expensive due to that beauty. One kind of Tulips used to cost 4 bulls, 12 sheep, 24 pounds of wheat, 1,000 pound of cheese, 4,000 pounds of butter, 48 pounds of corns, and three burgers. I think I'm getting a little bit hungry. But all of that was the cost of one flower. Tulips are responsible for the first ever economical bubble. So it only makes that they look like vaginas, because that was a total cunt move.

That's not even the only time plants played part in economics. Potatoes for example took a screwdriver and shoved down the eyes of a main economical rule. We all know that according to the supply and demand rule when a price goes up the demand decreases unless they are inelastic, like medicine. If the price goes up, I'm not going to spend more money, instead I'll get something else, that's the rule. In the 19th century potatoes surprised all of us when the prices rose, as during the Irish famine when the prices of potatoes went up, the demand for it did as well, creating the first documented case of Giffen goods which is a very strange economical product, one that goes against basic rules of economics. Think about that next time you call a disabled person a potato! Not sure who am I defending with that last statement, potatoes or disabled people. But you know what? The message is good, don't call disabled people potato * Does his best not to make a joke *

Plants are messing economy all around, in 2007 a Harvard study showed that when the prices of wheat and rice goes down because of the government, the demand for decreases as well. So with potatoes when the prices went up the demand increased and with rice and wheat when the price went down the demand decreased, and tulips created the first economical bubble. That is simply. Plants thug life.

In summary

To conclude this long LONG post let me say that humans always saw themselves as the center of this universe, everything is about them. We're the reason some creatures are successful and others aren't. #dixoutforharambe. But in all reality many creatures knew exactly how to trick us and play on our instincts, those creatures aren't aiming for world domination as they've already reached their goal. They're the most important creatures on earth, the greatest source of food, drinks, housing, and the occasional joint smoking. And all of that was done by creatures that don't move and not have a brain. So to reach my main goal of this whole, I have proved to you statistically, economically, philosophically and religiously even that vegans and vegetarians who eat the way they do because they respect animals more than plants, those people should go ahead and fuck themselves.

By the way, if vegans are named that way because they only eat vegan products. What do Pussyhatters eat? Some of you might be thinking I'm just trying to make women from the pussyhat project to like me. And to that I'd say, yeah pretty much. When I write a post about a porn quest, self-driven cars with half of it about blow jobs, and a post about defending sex and jokes about it and death of chivalry and you not noticing how desperate I'm getting, you're the blind one. Plus didn't I just talk about how apples beat us by multiplying, learn from the apples. Time for us to fight back, one sexual encounter at a time, preferably with me.

As always I nominate @traf and @roelandp, the latter should be voted for witness, see, roe? I mentioned ya, now give me that precious 2% vote.

Please upvote, resteem and comment and take a look at the sources below.

1, 2, 3,4,5,6. Also read the books mentioned, they're worth it.