The Great History of my Fat Ass - Comedy Open Mic Round 24 Entry 1

As I open my book for the first time ever a day prior to the finals I slowly start pondering that the situation is hopeless, life is already pre-determined fate and I',not going to challenge fate, right? So instead of preparing for my finals I instead go to the kitchen to examine and deeply study the grilled steak my mother has prepared for visiting guests. Moving slowly like a thief in the night, carefully avoiding the traps set by my mother

I finally arrive to the kitchen and I spot those streaks, along with tasty fries, and gravy all made to perfection. I look to your left and right and carefully approach those perfectly salted fries and begin to go through them one by one, all of the sudden my mother walks in and catches me in that humiliating situation then she starts to give my the usual lecture, 'You're a loser" "You're pathetic", "Lifeless", "Irresponsible", "You're wasting your future", and "All you care about is your fat ass", that last sentence triggers me, because of course I agree with the sentence said prior to that. So I stand my ground and give the greatest speech since "I have dream" by MLK in defense of my fat ass, a speech that would the connection between my fat ass and the great speech by Martin Luther King Jr.

What's wrong about only caring about my fat ass? Without the pursuit of a fat ass civilizations wouldn't have been built, religions wouldn't be spread, people wouldn't get rich, inventions wouldn't be known, numbers wouldn't have been written, and to be fair some horrible disasters wouldn't have happened. takes a step back Alright, the modern human have lived over 300 thousand years on this planet, and spent all of those years in pursuit of having a fat ass, for 290 thousand of those years human communities were primary, just a big group of hunter gatherers, those are people whose sole propose of existing was moving from place to place in pursuit food, for 290 thousand years they were doing nothing but that! And you're judging me for taking 10 minutes in pursuit of ketchup dipped fries? That's an insult to our great ancestors!

Even If I had spent more than 10 minutes hunting and gathering food, that should be fine. If it wasn't for food we wouldn't have any personal properties, hunter gatherers were sharing the food around at the same amount despite how much work was put in by individuals, that's COMMUNISM! Are you okay with communism winning? Would you rather if we were ruled by Stalin? Why do we have a fridge and cabinets? To store food. Even babies, considering how much hunters gatherers were moving around they didn't have to time to make babies and even if they did they couldn't make many as they had to carry them around, the number of humans wasn't increasing all the way till we discovered farming, and what were we farming exactly? That's right! FOOD. Alright let's not care about our fat asses and watch humanity go into extinction.

Agricultural revolution happened because all we cared about was our fat ass. We farmed and grew plants to eat them, paying special attention to the cultivation of grains as they were enriched with calories that gave us energy and they were easy to store, so humanity was able to settle after that and have more children, would it have been better if you didn't have me, mom? You know what? don't answer that.

Alright, do you like having a system protecting you? Well, after we started farming the ground, we had more food than we could consume so we needed people to store the food and people to protect it. Why do you think people agreed to do that work? It definitely wasn't because it was Saturday and they had nothing else to do. But who's going to be in charge of organizing all of those things? We had to create a system, that system needed a leader, the leader later turned into a ruler, and thus we have the systems of ruling all over the world. And all of that happened because we wanted to grow a fat ass.

So maybe you're fully convinced, mom. Then let's talk about the spices you put on the food then, spices that don't really matter nutritious wise are very important historically. In Tom Standage's book "An Edible History of Humanity" he points out that spices were very valuable at one point that people used to leave them behind for their offspring after they die, just imagine writing your will and deciding who'd get your house, your silverware and cars, as well as who'd get the jar of cumin. Sounds pretty stupid until you find out that when Alaric, king of the Visigoths has set his eyes for his army to siege the great city of Rome, his demands were 4,000 pounds of gold, 30,000 pounds of silver, and 3,000 pounds of black pepper. That's right Alaric would have destroyed the great city of Rome if they don't meet a list of demands that can be met by the local Carrefour store. Of course he did end up sacking Rome mainly because they didn't have cucumbers for him. Don't quote me on that last part. Spices were very valuable, so much so that 5th Alexandria Tariff taxed people at a rate that reaches 25% for spices, much like they did with lions and tigers, by that I mean taxing people who have tigers and lions not the animals themselves.

Spices were the reason Portugal sent out Vasca De Gama as Europe was looking for a path to India, De Gama is of course the man who connected Asia and Europe through the ocean. America wouldn't have existed if it wasn't for the search of black pepper, actually it would have existed just extremely different. In 1492 Christopher Columbus set sail through the oceans searching for a path to India, why ? I thought I made this clear already, black pepper as per "The Columbian exchange" by Cosby.

What? No I meant Crosby

Not the city, I meant Alfred W. Crosby

Alfred W. Crosby is of course a very intellectual wise person with many touching quotes.

Maybe not all of his quotes were gold.

Anyway, as per The Columbian exchange; Christopher Columbus set sail searching for India and on his way he stopped by a completely different place, the two Americas. "Why did he stop there if it wasn't India?" Well, mainly because he thought he had made it to Indonesia at the time, "Doesn't really answer my question"I don't care. In hopes of getting black pepper from Indonesia Christopher Columbus went on to create history on the Americas in one of the greatest "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" moments in humanity, between Christopher Columbus and De Gama's adventures came the last crusade, killing thousands of people, the death of up to 90% of native American by genocides and diseases carried on by Europeans and eventually the Atlantic slave trade. Wow, things got really dark here. Go watch a baby cats video then come back, I'll wait.

The Europeans found the Americas to be the best place to plant out sugar, sweet? And in order for them to do that they ended up importing slaves from Africa to do the work. I'll assume you're not going to add sugar to your coffee from now on either. Sugar was the base of the Atlantic slave trade. On the positive side although I doubt you'll find it worth it, the Columbian exchange was the reason the rest of the world have gotten Tomatoes and Potatoes. Can you Image the disaster that would have occurred had Columbus not cared about his fat ass, we wouldn't have gotten fries, and even if we did what would we have dipped those fries into without tomatoes to make ketchup for us. And you're judging for exploring the kitchen, can you imagine the things I'd have discovered if you hadn't prevented me from exploring those steaks and fries?

In summary: Humans' pursuit of food has led to the rise of civilizations, fall of others, death of people and thriving of some. If it wasn't for the Columbus quest for black pepper, the Americas wouldn't have been discovered, the natives wouldn't have been wiped out, and the U.S.A wouldn't have eventually stood out, black people wouldn't have been enslaved, and Martin Luther King Jr. wouldn't have inspired the world in his speech. And that is the great history of my fat ass.

I nominate @holybranches and @traf

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