The conversation around our dinner table last night would have made me uncomfortable had my wife and I not prepared for these types of moments. The topic of our conversation was sex.

My wife and I have always wanted to create an environment where our children (ages 3-10 years old) feel comfortable talking about anything. We desire that our children view us as trusted and caring advisors. And because of this desire, we are taking steps today to ensure that we are invited to participate in important life conversations in the future.

Regarding the topic of sex, I feel that most parents take one of two extreme positions:

• Through a lack of engagement on this important topic, some parents make it seem that sex is unapproachable or undesirable. Their absence speaks volumes, and as a result, many children run to other sources for information and instruction. In the most extreme cases, sex is verbally communicated as a disgusting act.
• On the other hand, some parents verbalize that sex is good, but either do not show a healthy model of sexual activity or do not help their children establish healthy parameters for sexual relationships.

As parents we have an incredible right and responsibility to speak truth into the lives of our children. And sex is one of the conversations that we need to be prepared to have.

Steps to take before having “the talk.”

Preparing ourselves and our children for a conversation about sex starts years before “the talk.”

I recommend that parents take the following actions

• Use the actual words for body parts - I know that a lot of people use non-technical names for body parts. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but I believe that there are at least two reasons why you should teach the commonly accepted words for your child’ private parts.

  • You help prevent confusion for the children later on in life.
  • You create another barrier that may prevent your child being sexually abused. People who sexually abuse children sometimes try to downplay the importance of the child’s private parts by using nicknames.
    
    

• Be the biggest advocate for your child - Teach your child what is acceptable behavior in regards to bathing and touching. Let your child know that no one should touch him or her (including a doctor) unless mommy or daddy has given permission. Explain what appropriate touch and talk to your child when they are being touched for medical reasons. Extend trust to your family and friends but never assume that something tragic cannot happen to your child. In many cases, the abuser is known by the family.

• Teach your children to advocate for and defend their bodies - Empower your children to live out the principles that you have taught them. Promote open discussions and make sure that your children know they can come to you even if they feel ashamed of what happened to them. Teach your children how to fight off physical attacks that may be directed towards them.

We live in a broken world. As parents we need to teach our children how to navigate through the future challenges they might face.

“The talk” is not a single event.

If you grew up in a home that did not talk about sex, then you may find it difficult to communicate with your children about this important matter. Remember that you are trying to create an environment of openness. Ideally, you have been preparing your children (and yourself) to have these conversations for years. So don’t treat this as a single conversation that you can mark off your list of things to do. Approach this as a series of ongoing conversations.

Consider the following:

• Speak with confidence – When speaking to your children, speak as an expert. This is not indicative of your sexual history, but rather that you are taking an authoritative position on the topic. When you act like you are not comfortable with the topic, you children will wonder why. When you speak with confidence, your child that the topic of sex can be openly discussed.

• Teach your children healthy parameters about sexuality - It is important that we help our child form a worldview, and they need to know how sex fits into their worldview.

  • Before or after marriage?
  • Heterosexual, Homosexual, or Other?
  • One partner or many partners?
    
    

• Explain intercourse at an age-appropriate level - Our ten-year-old understands more than our 3-year-old, but our ten-year-old does not need all of the information right now. I did not talk about storks or other fairytale style stories. I tried to give as much accurate information as I could based on the child I was speaking to and the scope of our conversation. I wanted to factual and honest, but there was no need to overshare.

• Explain that sex can be beautiful – I tell my children that sex is good and enjoyable. I tell them that in the right type of relationship, sex is fulfilling. I do not run away from the topic, but instead, take an active role in teaching them to pursue sex as a part of a married relationship.

• Don’t Be Surprised if you child personalizes what you have said - I felt good about our talk overall, and then it happened. One of my children starting taking the facts and began inferring them onto my wife and my relationship. "So that is what you do when you and mommy ..." I am sure my face turned red. Looking back this seems like a natural progression in the conversation. My child felt no shame or concern in the question, but I was not ready for it.

So we had "the talk." And I fully expect we will have "the talk" again soon. This is a part of parenting. And I am preparing myself to direct and guide my children as best I can.

Your Turn

Let's continue the conversation in the comments section.

1. Do you feel comfortable talking about sex with other people?
2. Did you parents openly discuss sex (and other important topics with you) when you were a child?
3. If you are a parent, have you had "the talk" yet?
4. What are you doing to prepare yourself for these types of conversations with your kids?

Thanks for stopping by. I hope I did not make you blush too much!

@sumatranate

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Image Source: https://pixabay.com/en/couple-romance-love-kiss-lovers-3064048/